Page 66 of For You, Sir

Einar rested a calm hand on my thigh during the drive, his warmth bleeding through the fabric of my slacks. The tension in my chest eased.

After a while, he asked, “So, is Jun, like, your nickname?”

“Sort of. I used to introduce myself as Hyun-Jun, but some white people get all bent out of shape about it.” I scoffed. “Like I’d given them a calculus test, instead of two syllables of Korean. I started going byJunto avoid the aggravation.”

“I would use your full name. If you want.” Einar was serious as if we were talking about something sacred. It made me feel warm, respected.

“I’ve been going byJunso long, it feels weird when someone calls me anything else.” I squeezed his hand on my knee. “But thanks.”

He nodded solemnly. Maybe he understood how it felt, since he had a foreign-sounding name, too. People mispronounced his nameAy-nar instead ofEye-nar all the time.

When we got back to his place, Einar asked me to stay overnight, but I politely demurred, citing Mr. Cuddles as an excuse. In truth, I was overwhelmed and needed some time alone to process my thoughts. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, but a cup of Darjeeling and a cat in my lap would set me right.

On the drive home, I decided I would pick up journaling again. After Dad died, free-writing had been the best way to sort out my feelings, and put a name to them. My therapist told me to hold on to old journals for posterity, but I always burned or shredded each day’s pages as soon as I’d finished writing them. It was the only way I could vomit out all those miserable feelings—knowing I’d never have to look at them again.

But this time felt different. The jumbled feelings in my heart felt like something I might want to revisit later. I stopped by a stationery shop on the way home to purchase a crisp new journal—royal blue with gold embossing, instead of a beat-up green spiral-bound like I’d used all those years ago.

An unfamiliar feeling of hope and optimism settled in my chest as I bought the blank book at the checkout counter. I felt lighter somehow, and braver. Confessing my flaws to Einar and apologizing to my brother had been incredibly cathartic.

I was going to be a better brother to Ho-Sung, like he deserved. He needed a new social circle to support him. Reading between the lines at the coffee shop, I gathered he’d lost his drinking buddy friends. I would be there for him however he needed me, and I would keep telling him how proud I was.

I wanted us to have the sort of relationship where we could send each other stupid memes throughout the week, and confide in each other about our struggles over the phone. But first things first. As soon as I got home, I would text Ho-Sung so we could work out a plan for me to help with Mom’s care.

As I walked back to my car, my phone rang in my pocket, and for the first time in a long while, I smiled, knowing it was Ho-Sung calling. Throughout our twenties, he had a weird habit of texting or calling right after we’d just hung out, usually just to say he’d had a good time. I guessed it was his way of saying he wanted to see me again. That he loved me.

But when I pulled out my phone, the caller ID readDeborah—Davies & Horne. Strange that my contract manager would call on my day off. An ominous feeling ran through me, and my heart began beating double-time.

Don’t be stupid,I scolded myself.She’s checking about Sir’s progress like she always does.She would be ecstatic to hear that Einar was overcoming his agoraphobia.

It was too hot to sit in my car, so I stood under the shade of a tree at the edge of the parking lot and accepted the call. “Hello?”

“Hi, Jun. It’s Deborah. I wanted you to be the first to know—”

No!

“—that the studio’s decided to cancel your contract.”

My blood froze, and I was suddenly dizzy, like I’d missed a step while hurrying downstairs. I leaned a hand against the tree trunk and the journal dropped from my hand.

“Oh,” I said numbly.

“Not your fault,” Deborah quickly reassured me. “The studio’s just tired of waiting on Eriksen. I know you tried your best.”

Had I? I could have done more, pushed harder, instead of spending so much time indulging myself… Einar had got me out of legal trouble, but I’d failed to do the same for him.

“The studio’s required to give two weeks’ notice, but Davies & Horne have agreed to swap you out for a housekeeping service tomorrow if you’d like to get started on the next job.”

Swap you out.Like I was a replaceable cog. A burned-out lightbulb.

“I was hoping you’d step out early,” she continued. “This next client is a tough one, and I trust you over any other butler we’ve got on the bench. An ex-child star just got out of rehab and she’s currently under conservatorship by her parents—”

My voice was hoarse. “No.”

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t tell if she was indignant or had genuinely misheard me. It was probably the first time I’d refused her.

I cleared my throat. “I’d like to see my current contract through to the end.”

“Really,Mr. Kim. It would be best for everyone involved if—”

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