Page 101 of Break My Fall

“Mommy’s tired, munchkin. She’s going to take a nap. Can you stay and play with Tyler, Emilia, and Sam for a while?” Hunter asked. I looked to Emilia to make sure she was okay with watching Willow for longer and she gave me a smile and a nod.

“Yep,” Willow nodded vigorously. “Tyler said we can go swimming after lunch.”

I opened my mouth to warn Tyler that Willow couldn’t swim, but I didn’t need to.

“Make sure she wears her floaties and stay close. She doesn’t swim yet,” Nico said instead.

“Will do. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine,” Ty assured Nico, then looked to me with a soft smile on his face.

“Come on, Mads. We’re all coming with you,” Cam said as he appeared at my side and held a hand out to me. I took it, allowing him to pull me to my feet and press my body to his side as he engulfed me under his arm.

As the others surrounded us and followed me up the stairs, I allowed all of the pain that was eating me from the inside out to take full hold. The tears and sobbing started half way up to my room, and by the time we got inside and closed the door, I was a wreck.

“I miss him already,” I cried as Cam led me to the bed. “He was mine! I want him back!” It hurt so much inside. I felt as though my son had been ripped from me and the gaping hole left behind would never heal.

Cam lifted me into his arms and settled into the middle of the bed with me pressed against him. The others climbed on too, surrounding me and touching me where they could with gentle caresses so I knew they were there. It was a relief to not be alone, but nothing could ease the pain of losing my child. Nothing would ease the guilt that wracked me at knowing it was all my fault his life was cut short before it even began.

My pain and grief poured from me as I fell apart, until eventually it all just became too much and, exhausted, I slipped into sleep.

CHAPTER 26

KAI

“We need to do something, brother. She can’t go on like this,” Hunter sighed from where he was walking beside me.

It had been a week since we lost little Noah, and we were in Arlington to lay him to rest. Hunter and Nico had needed to call in some huge favors to have the military agree to the burial, but they had pulled it off.

Hunter was right. We were all besides ourselves with worry for Maddie. She was barely sleeping or eating, and for days she had been like a zombie, scarcely even speaking unless it was to Willow, who she managed to put a brave face on for. Otherwise she just sat staring blindly, or crying. She was pale and looked drawn and exhausted. The black dress she wore that morning for the service only showed us even more starkly just how pale she looked.

It was just the five of us, Sam, Garth, and the minister Hunter had hired to speak that were there that morning. Willow was with Tyler and Emilia, back home. They had been a God send all week, taking Willow out and occupying her so Maddie could take the time she needed to grieve.

Maddie had called Edward earlier in the week, determined that he should at least know his son was gone, but the asshole hadn’t cared. He just told Maddie it was probably her fault Noah was dead, then yelled at her that if he wasn’t allowed to come near her, she shouldn’t be able to call and harass him either.

None of us were surprised at his behavior, and I was pretty relieved the asshole hadn’t showed up for the service, to further harass Maddie. This day was going to be hard enough for her, without that asshole and his bullshit.

“Maybe she’ll start to find her way back after this,” I told Hunter.

“I hope so, because she can’t go on like this, Kai,” he sighed. “We can’t just sit back and watch her waste away.”

“I know, Hunt. We won’t let that happen,” I agreed. “Let’s just get through today first, yeah?”

Maddie was walking in front with Cam and Nico at either side of her. Sam and Garth were behind us. We all wore black suits and Hunter had arranged for there to be some flowers at the grave. The day was bright and sunny, not at all reflective of the mood surrounding us all.

We were heart broken – every single one of us. Noah wasn’t actually our child, but he was going to be a part of our family. The guys and I had been so excited for his arrival, discussing what sports we would teach him as we decorated his nursery back at the house, over the last couple of weeks. We had each bought little stuffed toys and outfits for him when we’d been out and seen something that caught our eye. He had been so very wanted in our new, but promising family, and now he was gone.

The minister was waiting for us at the grave side when we approached. Maddie had just wanted a quiet service at the graveside. Everett’s grave had been dug enough for the tiny white casket to be interred above him, and, as planned, flowers on two tall stands hung at either side. It was pretty and peaceful.

Nico was clutching the tiny casket, which he had taken from the undertakers at the gates of the cemetery. I had seen quite a few caskets in my time. I had buried several colleagues from the time I served, but I had never seen a casket as tiny as little Noah’s, and it seemed so very wrong. How could an innocent baby’s life be taken before he even got a chance?

Tears filled my eyes and I had to turn away in order to keep myself together.

Nico placed it down at the grave side and we all lined up either side of Maddie. Sam and Garth joined the line at the end, and the minister started talking. I wasn’t really listening to his words as I gave all of my attention to Maddie at my side. She was quietly crying, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue as she fought to just get through this.

I lost track of everything but Maddie and that tiny white casket as the minister went on and on. I joined in with the ‘Amen’ at some point, then two men appeared before us, dressed in suits much like ours. They lifted black ribbons on either side of the casket and moved it into the grave, slowly lowering it down until it was out of sight, deep below.

A deep sob from Maddie echoed the way I was feeling inside as my eyes burned with tears too. We had been to the funeral home a couple of days before to see Noah and to say our final goodbyes to him. He had been so very small in my arms, as I pressed a kiss to his head and promised to always protect and love his mom and sister.

We had all done the same thing, taking our chance to feel his weight in our arms, committing his sweet little face and the smell of his fiery color hair to our memory, so we could always remember him, for us, and for Maddie.

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