Page 31 of A Holiday Arrangement

“I like to hurt my partners during sex. Make them bleed.”

Orion barely blinked. “You do understand how our biology works, don’t you? You’re not the only alpha with a sadistic side. Gods knows Lyric would say I have one.”

It wasn’t the same. I knew enough about their dynamic to know that Orion always stayed in control. He never lost it to the point that he didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late.

“It’s not only that. I-I lose control. I forget myself.”

This time, the alpha’s eyes darkened. “Have you ever hurt a partner who didn’t want to be hurt in return?”

I wanted to shout that was exactly what I did to his brother. Yet, Jett said more than once that he liked what happened. I thought he was placating me since he wanted me to mate him, but maybe it was more than that? Could he really want that?

But still, I had. That one awful time. The time that changed everything for me. “Once.”

Orion got deadly quiet. This was it. This was when he finally realized the monster I was, when he realized how much of a hypocrite I was for trying to help omegas when I was the one who fucking hurt them.

“You forced yourself on—”

“What? What the fuck? No. Of course not. I’d never. Gods, Orion. Everything I ever said about omegas is true. They deserve a choice.”

He relaxed. “Then you need to explain because I’m not following.”

I looked down toward the drawer with the bottle of liquor. He was likely going to fire me after this. What did it matter if he saw me day-drinking during office hours? No, I needed to keep it together.

“When I was younger, around 19, I had an arrangement with an omega whose family was friends with mine. He was young, younger than me even, but was already a widower. His parents had married him off to a man in his seventies. He died of a heart attack during sex.”

“Goddess.” Orion seemed scandalized. I had no idea why I was giving him these details, but they just wouldn’t stop coming out.

“We were supposed to mate but his parents wouldn’t agree to it until I finished school and took over for my parents. So in the meantime, we had an agreement that I’d take him through his heats.” I couldn’t look at the man in front of me. I focused on my knuckles.

“It was the first time we were together and my first time taking an omega through their heat. Well, my first time ever. I had no idea what I was doing. Everyone kept saying instinct would take over and to just trust it. So I did.”

“What happened?” Orion asked quietly.

“I went too far. I did things the omega wasn’t comfortable with, but he was too scared to tell me because he was trained to obey without question. I had no idea he wasn’t enjoying himself. I swear, I had no idea. I was so lost in the moment, in his scent and just everything, I didn’t realize until afterwards when he was terrified of me.”

“What did you do?”

“I apologized about a thousand times. I felt awful. I wasn’t even sure what I did that made him so scared, but he was scratched up, bruised. A few of the marks were bleeding.” Like Jett, I wanted to say. I looked away, ashamed, but forced myself to get through the rest of the story. “He, um, killed himself.”

Orion’s eyes got so wide, they nearly popped out of his head. “Because of what happened that night.”

I shrugged and tapped my fingers on my desk in an anxious pattern. “I don’t think it was exactly because what happened. I tried to break off the engagement and his father wasn’t pleased. I tried to get him to swear not to take it out on Lennon, but . . . rumor was he could not longer take the constant abuse and he ended his life to stop it.”

That was the watered-down version, but he got the gist. Orion stayed silent for so long, I began to get uncomfortable. I eyed the drawer. “Okay, I can understand how that would affect you. I’m assuming there was more to it than you’re saying too.” I just tilted my head in acknowledgement. “You do realize that wasn’t your fault, right? It’s awful and tragic and makes me sick, but you are not responsible.” I shrugged but didn’t agree. He just didn’t understand.

But Orion wasn’t done. “There are a couple of things you haven’t considered in your very black-and-white approach to this.”

I waited, having no idea where he was going. “I won’t even get into the horrific end to that poor man’s life. I’m not sure if there’s anything I could do or say that would change your mind about your feelings on that. So, I’ll focus on the incident itself. One, you were young. At 19, most alphas are still coming into themselves completely. That’s one of the reasons omegas tend to be with alphas who are at least a few years older.”

That was true. Orion was young but still 24 when he and Lyric married, and I believed he came into his abilities early. I didn’t.

“Secondly, they threw you with an omega who came from some terrible circumstances and probably had no say on who he was mated to or who took him through heats.”

That was also true. I had walked in on his husband beating or forcing himself on him more than once, not to mention his father. “Third, have you considered that while biology dictates a lot, we’re all still different people with different compatibilities and likes and dislikes?”

“I’m not following.”

The alpha sighed heavily. “Nature dictates that alphas are dominant, especially in the bedroom, and omegas are more submissive, correct?” I agreed. “But there’s a huge spectrum and not everyone is going to cross at the same points. For instance, I’m into domestic discipline. I need to give my partner rules and structures and consequences. I also love edging my partner until he’s a blubbering mess, begging for release.” That was more than I ever needed to know about my boss’s sex life, but okay. “But I’m not into rope bondage. Or, I don’t know—knives. But there are alphas who are.”

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