Page 31 of Risky Fight

I allowed my hurt and anger from the past to stop me from seeing the now or the future. My own stubbornness is to blame, not him. Roark tried, in his own stupid fucking way, to show me he wanted me. I wasn’t ready to listen, my heart and my head were on two different pages. One in the past, the other angry at the way I feel now.

Roark leaves with Nolan, and I doubt it will be a quick drop off given how his father sounded on the phone earlier on. They will have a few things to discuss, so instead of stewing over what he might want to say when he gets back, I take a shower and clean off the muck and blood. Luckily Nolan didn’t notice the mess on my black pants.

Once I am clean, I take my time to get dressed and look nice. I am not the most girly woman on earth but occasionally when not forced or told to, I like to make myself look conventionally pretty. The rest of the time I don’t hold myself to ridiculous standards. I like just being me — unapologetically myself.

It feels like it’s afternoon before he gets home, and I have given my anxieties anxiety waiting for him. My stomach is in knots, my palms sweating and I have a headache from the way I have clenched my jaw all day.

“Hi,” he says when he finds me pacing up and down in the living room, where I arranged all the gifts Nolan unwrapped.

“Hi,” I reply, not sure what to say. “Is everything okay?” Roark looks at me, his brow furrowed with a deep frown.

“Yeah, it’s business. Women don’t belong in our business. I am going to shower and change and then we can have dinner and talk about things.” More eating, more anxious minutes of torture, but he looks tired and ragged still in his clothes from last night, so I will wait for him.

“I will make us something,” I say, and he shakes his head.

“Just order in, I am tired. I am sure you are too. Nolan is going to stay over at my old man’s, so we can get a little adult time and rest.” As good as that sounds, the thought of cold takeout makes me wretch. I’d rather cook something decent with what we have here.

“Can I rather cook? I will make something simple while you shower, I can’t face takeout. I need something proper.” Roark nods, and I can see he is exhausted. “It will be much nicer, I promise.”

“Thanks, Lou,” he says, before he looks down at his feet and leaves me to go shower.

There’s not a whole lot of food in the house, but I rustle up some of Nolan’s chicken nuggets and a salad. It’s not gourmet, but it’s better than a cold burger delivery would be. I’m dishing up when he comes into the kitchen, wearing nothing but a pair of his gym shorts.

My mouth waters, and not for food.Good lord, he is hot as all hell.I have no idea why I was running away from that, I will plead insanity if asked.

“Thank you,” he says when I slide a plate in front of him. There’s an awkward silence, we both know we need to talk, we have so many things to say, but neither of us wants to be the first to talk.

The longer we stay quiet the worse the unspoken tension gets. All the things left unsaid seem to grow into these enormous elephants forcing all the air out of the room, I don’t know where to look or what to do. Once my food is done, and I clear my plate, I sit there watching him eat — which seems weird and stalkerish, but what the hell else am I supposed to do?

“Do you want to go first, or should I?” he asks me, breaking the tension and somehow making it worse at the same time. There are ten thousand things to say but not one I can get my mouth to actually say. “Fine I’ll go first,” he says.

“I—” I want to speak but he stops me, and I close my mouth again.

“I am sorry, Lou,” he says, “I did everything wrong. I owe you more than one apology. But there are things I won’t be sorry for either.” He takes a breath and pushes his plate away. “I am me, this is how I am. That won’t change, and I can’t be anyone else. I am not sorry for being me, or that I love you so much I might have done things completely wrong. When I found out you were still here, I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted you, at any cost,” Roark pauses, and I am not sure what to say. “I should have spoken to you, not kidnapped you.”

“I wouldn’t have let you, or listened,” I admit, I know myself. Nothing he could have said would have penetrated through my anger. “Nothing you could have said would have made me hear you over my anger and pain. You hurt me when you left me here, and watching you thrive while I was struggling to survive, sucked. I loved you, I love you — I think I always will. But you left me, Roark, and then you came back and thought you could just take me and make me yours again.”

“I’m sorry, Lou,” he says in whisper.

“You didn’t have to make me yours, I am yours. I always was.” It’s not a lie, part of me has belonged to him since we were kids in grade school. “I’m stubborn and would have pushed you away, but I also love you and would have given in eventually.”

“I’m not exactly a patient man, Lou. Waiting isn’t easy for me. I didn’t know how much I missed you until you were right there in front of me again, it was like I’d finally found home. I know that taking you, and accepting your brother’s idiotic bargain was stupid, and in the process, you might be mad at me — fuck I am mad at me.” He sighs, and I can see his soul. The boy who left me is inside the man before me. The same but completely different. “If you don’t want to marry me, you don’t have to, you can leave right now I will have a car take you home.”

“I never said I wanted to leave Roark,” I tell him.

“But you ran away. You left, Lou, and put yourself in danger just to get away from me.” I did run, and it was foolish. “You don’t want to be here.”

“I don’t want to be forced to be here, Roark, I wanted a choice. I wanted this conversation, not to be chased down alleys in the dead of night or to be sold by my family. It wasn’t you I ran from, it was the fact you thought it was okay to make me stay without giving me a choice.”

“The choice is yours now, Lou, I won’t make you stay. If this is not the life you want, then you can walk away right now. Because this is my life now, I am part of the family business and that comes with risks, and certain things you’d have to turn a blind eye to. And a son I didn’t know I had.” I know what he means about turning a blind eye. “I am not going to change, and I don’t expect you to.”

“Roark, you’re a dad. Just getting to know your son and moving back here to work with your father is new for you. Maybe we, this thing between us, should wait.” He is impulsive, and both of us have to consider Nolan in our choice. This is not something you just do — getting married is a big deal.

“I don’t want to wait, Lou, I waited five years. I want it all now. You, my son, a home and a family, this is what I want. But if you need to wait, if this is not what you want, then I won’t force you.”

“I want all of it, Roark, I did back then and I still do.” Nothing and everything has changed. “But I need to know you won’t leave me, or Nolan. I can’t lose you again, my heart won’t take being broken twice.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, “I promise.”

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