Page 27 of This Can't Be Goodbye

But the second he was inside me, I wanted to wrap my arms and legs around him and hold on for dear life.

I don’t understand the connection we have. I’ve never felt so emotional during sex. Or so comfortable afterward. There’s no point analyzing my feelings. But his question has me wanting to open up. I haven’t fully explained to anyone why I’m taking this trip. Everyone else accepts my simple answers. Suddenly, the need to be honest has my pulse picking up.

“Part of my reason for going is straightforward—the adventure of it. Not wanting to get stuck on the treadmill that’s supposed to be our lives: work, marry, work, have kids,work, while escaping on short vacations in between to remind us there’s a bigger world out there. I mean, I want those things. I just don’t want themnow. I want to do something wild. Scare myself and toss my luck into the wind. Have new experiences, eat new foods, meet new people.

“It’s not how my parents have lived. It’s not how anyone I know lives, but I started reading travel blogs and found myself feeling envious. I kept thinking…why not me? Why can’t I do this?”

“Okay,” he says, watching me intently. “I get that and am seriously impressed with how fucking brave you are. But what’s the not simple reason?”

“It makes me feel guilty, but…” This swallow takes longer. “My parents were tough on me growing me. I love them and they’re great, but being an only child was intense. I was the center of their worlds, and they wanted so much for me, which I get. But being successful academically wasn’t easy for me.”

He frowns. “You did great in school.”

“Because I worked my ass of. I wasn’t a natural academic. I spent every night studying instead of having a social life. And my folks would keep pushing me. Get me tutors, make me work so much I put my wants and interests on the backburner. I kept thinking,one day. One day I’ll have time to go out and party and be a kid. But that day never came.” I roll part of the duvet through my fingers. “I lived for them, not for myself, and I think it finally caught up with me.”

Avett’s face flushes, like he’s upset or nervous. “So…you gave your notice and quit your job? Just like that?”

I roll onto my back, gazing up at the ceiling. “I didn’tjust quit. I struggled with the idea of leaving, knew my mother would lose her mind, and I have a great job. The idea of quitting, of not knowing if there would be a place for me if I came back, was hard to get over. In the end, the need to finally live and have an adventure trumped that unknown. I’ve been saving for over a year but chose to only plan my first month away. I’m going to this amazing area of Thailand, with ruins and hiking and cooking classes in a town with a gorgeous market. Then…” I shrug. “I don’t know. If my funds get low, there are places I can teach English. I’ll see where the wind takes me.”

I roll my head to glance at Avett. His neck and cheeks are still red, and furrows have sunk between his brows. “I’m happy for you. Sounds like you’re doing exactly what you want.”

I study this handsome man, who just blew my mind in bed, still shocked we’re here. “What about you? Are you doing what you want?”

His lips curve up, and he gives my breast a greedy caress. “I certainly justdidwhat I wanted.”

I moan and slide toward him. “As did I, but you know what I mean.”

He pulls me tighter against him and noses my hair. “I love my job. I love this house. I love my friends and this town. So, yeah, I guess I’m doing what I want.”

“I mean deeply.” I touch his chest. “In here. Are you living your best life?”

He tenses and seems to hold his breath. “Idolove my job. Animals have this happy innocence that lights me up. Helping them when they’re in pain is a gift, and the problem-solving aspect of being a doctor really gets me going, even though there are tough times too.”

“When you put a pet down?”

He nods. “Always sits on my chest like a boulder, but I’m not one of those people who’s always groaning about their work. As far as the rest of my life is concerned”—his thumb drums on my hip, like his thoughts are hard to tack down—“it’s what I need. The consistency, oranal natureas you call it, keeps my mental health in check.”

Guilt flows through me, sudden and uncomfortable.

Over the years, we’ve needled each other regularly, zeroing in on our specific quirks. I never stopped to think if there was a deeper reason for his regimented behavior. “Have you struggled with that? Your mental health?”

More thumb tapping. “At times.”

I’m about to ask more, but he kisses me, so deep and long I forget what I was going to say. God, this man cankiss. I melt under his attention, the two of us joining together again like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Like our bodies know their counterparts and we have all the time in the world.

chaptereleven

Avett

I remove Naomi’s stitches and rebandage the healing gash, still high on this unexpected night. Easy conversation. Two rounds of phenomenal sex. She no longer flinches when I touch her leg. Instead, she leans forward and bites my ear.

I hum my pleasure. “You’re dangerous.”

“According to your grandmother,youwere a dangerous criminal growing up, stealing her tractor, shoving your head through the banister while pretending to be in jail.”

I’ll never take Gran on another outing again. “I bet if I had coffee with your family, they’d regale me with tales of your embarrassing moments.”

“Except I’m not dumb enough to let that happen.”

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