Page 29 of Single Dad Billionaire Boss

“I overstepped,” he began, scrubbing his face with his hands. I laid my hand on his back, and he met my eyes. The swoop in my stomach, the way my cheeks heated when he looked at me were painful reminders that this couldn’t go on.

“I liked them,” I said miserably. “That’s the problem. I have feelings for you that go beyond friendship. It’s embarrassing and stupid.”

I set my cup down and tried to be calm even though I wanted to run and hide.

“You have no reason to be embarrassed,” Jacob said. “I have the same problem in that I care about you in a way that isn’t—appropriate to the situation. I never had a fighting chance, to be honest—the way you threw yourself down that waterslide with Zoe on your back. The pictures you sent me and those notes in the binder. But still, I’m glad it happened.”

“How can you be glad?”

“Because it’s you. For whatever reason, you cared for me. It was more than flattering. When I thought it was only me, that I was simply a poor fool who fell for his daughter’s nanny, I was ashamed. When I realized you felt that connection, it was more than vindication. It felt perfect, like everything fit into place and made sense. And yet at the same time, I knew that nothing could come of it. And I’m sorry about that. I know I won’t be the last man to see how incredible you are, and you deserve someone who’s free, who would never hesitate.”

“You can find another nanny,” I said. “I can’t find another you.”

“No one can replace you, Ella,” Jacob said. “Not for me and not for Zoe. I’ve found the person with whom I wish I could be for the rest of my life, but I made a vow when we lost Amanda that I would never be one of those dads with a revolving door of girlfriends. I swore to give Zoe my full attention and stop being selfish and obsessed with my work. I had to do better for her, no matter what it cost me. It doesn’t matter that it’s you and not a stranger, Ella. That’s even worse, though, because you’re an important part of Zoe’s life and I’d be ruining that.”

“Zoe is the reason I’d never act on this,” I said. “Because confusing her or making her sad if it didn’t work out would be the only thing worse than having to ignore these feelings. I know it’s the responsible thing to do.”

Jacob nodded.

“I’ve never felt like this about anyone before,” I said. “It’s good to know that maybe I will again someday. You had Amanda and—”

“This isn’t the same,” Jacob said quickly. “In the beginning, Amanda and I loved each other, yes, but we were both into our careers. Once we had Zoe, however, things changed. We argued all the time—probably because we saw more of each other. Zoe was a terrible sleeper, and I was exhausted all the time—tuned out, as Amanda called it. Less than a month before she was in the car accident, I found some emails between her and this guy she worked with. They were having an affair, but I never confronted her about it—just met with a lawyer to get the ball rolling on the divorce and custody battle. I was going to break up Zoe’s home, her family, because I wanted to hurt Amanda the way she hurt me. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, giving up so easily on something so important. And when Amanda died, I felt guilty, like I had wished for it somehow. So, you see? That relationship isn’t anything like what I have with you.”

“No,” I said, “because we don’t actually haveanything. And we won’t. You and I both know that nothing is worth the pain it could cause Zoe if we came so close to being a family and then broke up.”

Jacob reached over, took my hand in his, and held it. I looked at our fingers intertwined, felt the warmth of his palm, and told myself that, even if this was all I could ever have, it was something. If only I could memorize this feeling of closeness and pocket it forever…

“She deserves for the adults in her life to act like adults,” Jacob said. “The way I didn’t act when she was a baby. Zoe’s been through enough already. I know it’s the right thing, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy to let you go.”

“I want to try to stay with Zoe like we discussed,” I said. “But, honestly, I don’t know if I can stand it, having to pretend I don’t have feelings for you.”

“We need a plan. If it’s impossible, we’ll tell Zoe you need a job in your field. And I want you to spend time with her, Ella, no matter what. You both deserve that. I don’t want to be the reason that Zoe doesn’t get to have you in her life.”

“Thank you. I couldn’t stand it if I didn’t get to see her all the time, take her places and stuff. But still, I think it might be a good idea for me to send out some job applications. As an escape hatch.”

Jacob nodded. “I understand. We’ll be sorry to lose you, but I get it. I really do. I wish things could be different—that I trusted myself not to mess up in a relationship with you and hurt everyone I care about in the process. I wasn’t a good husband, and even though I’ve grown a lot since then, it’s too much of a risk knowing that I could hurt not only you but Zoe as well.”

I wanted so badly to tell him we should take the chance, that it would all work out in the end. But I knew that would be selfish, risking Zoe’s happiness for a chance at my own. I loved her too much to try to build a life with her father and then turn around and walk away if it didn’t work out. I’d be another mom she lost, only I’d be leaving her on purpose.

I pulled my hand away from Jacob’s—which was why what came out of my mouth next surprised even me. “Kiss me goodbye?”

For a moment I wasn’t sure if Jacob would. Rebellion and resignation warred on his face. His mouth tightened—and a muscle in his jaw twitched as if my words had stung him—but then he cupped my face in his hands, brushed away a stray strand of my hair, and looked into my eyes as if he’d never see me again. He moved in closer and kissed me full on the lips. A tear slipped from my eye and Jacob thumbed it away without looking. I had never been kissed like that before—the kind of kiss that both promised so much and simultaneously broke my heart. And when he pulled away, my lips hungered for him again—even long after he left me sitting there all alone.

Chapter16

16

Jacob

The next day,the roads were clear, but a storm was raging in my heart. I let my emotions rule instead of my brain. I could still feel the softness of her lips. “Kiss me goodbye?” Was this really the way it would go?

Not wanting Ella to drive alone, I ordered a car service and she headed for the airport to fly to her parents’ house, where she FaceTimed with Zoe as soon as she arrived. Things were a bit tense and awkward before she left, the two of us unable to find the right words to articulate how we felt, but once she was gone, I resolved to focus all my attention on Zoe. She was a natural at snowboarding, and soon we were zipping down the beginner slope together. On New Year’s Eve, we toasted with sparkling grape juice at ten o’clock before I put her to bed. I debated messaging Ella “Happy New Year,” but in the end, decided against it.

Back in San Francisco, before Zoe returned to school, I worked from home while most of the time Zoe jumped around in the bounce house, which I set up for her in the living room. One day, when I had to go to the office, she played on the climber and sat in the treehouse watching her tablet with her toy animals. I joined her for a snack picnic that turned into a tea party. Marsha ordered some cookies and had them delivered, and Zoe insisted on taking pictures and sending them to Ella. Just knowing they were in constant contact made me miss her even more.

Ella returned to work a couple days later when school resumed, and I did my best to keep out of the way. I was ready and waiting at the door when she arrived in the morning and said nothing more than a cursory goodbye as I left. After work, I went straight to Zoe to hear about her day, avoiding Ella as much as I could before she left. It was a struggle not to message her every time I thought of something to tell her or ask her about. A couple of times I caught myself writing her a sticky note, upon which I stuffed it in my pocket instead of leaving it for her on the binder. Eventually, I stuck all the half-written notes in the drawer along with the ones I’d saved from her. Our exchanges seemed like another lifetime, and I felt like so much of my energy was spent trying not to communicate with her when I so desperately wanted to. A hollowed-out place in my chest was a testament to her absence, the loss of that closeness.

I only heard about her trip to see her parents through Zoe, who made it her mission to quote “Ellie” as much as ever. Ellie rode horses at her uncle’s ranch like she did when she was little. Ellie made a lemon cake with her mom and froze a slice which she brought back for Zoe. A few days after her return I found a glass jar with a sticky note in the cabinet.“Mom’s friend keeps bees. I thought you’d like their hot honey.”I tucked the note in my pocket and saved the honey on a shelf.

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