Page 79 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

I wanted to apologize for losing my temper, but she cut me off again.

“Let me say what I have to say, and then you can say whatever you want, and I promise I’ll listen.”

I breathed out and dropped my feet off my desk. “I’m listening.”

“My assistant, Phoebe—her husband dropped by at work today and surprised her with a big bouquet of flowers and a huge box of chocolates. It wasn’t anything expensive like the Belgian chocolates you buy me, but the romantic gesture itself was so sweet. It made me realize that I’ve been making you feel like I take you for granted.”

As tempting as it was to interrupt, I had to remind myself that she had the floor, not me.

“You always go above and beyond for the people you love. You basically own my company, and if it wasn’t for you, I never would have been able to launch it,” she said sincerely. “I’ve always been a prideful person and very reserved about my feelings. So when you threatened to divorce me this morning, all you got was a stuck-up, egotistical bitch in your face.”

Well, it certainly felt nice to hear her say that, I must confess.

“Noah, I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t want to end our marriage. I understand that I’ve damaged it by ignoring your feelings about what I’m doing to myself with all this plastic surgery. I’m sorry for being so selfish.” She started to cry.

Great. Didn’t women realize that their tears only decreased a man’s testosterone?

“I want to get therapy for myself,” she continued, “and work on our marriage. I want to save it. I love you so much. You’re such a supportive husband, and you truly love me to care a great deal and worry about my health.”

Did she switch her brain with someone else for twenty-four hours?I wondered if she would still be so willing to check into rehab come the next morning.

“Please don’t give up on me … please.” Vanessa wept.

I felt really bad for hurting my wife, so I stood up and wrapped my arms around her. “I’m glad you’ve agreed to get some help. I want to save our marriage too. I haven’t given up.”

Have I?

****

After what had felt like ages, when we went to bed, we finally had sex. Everything was going great, and I felt that I was reconnecting with Vanessa, until it happened … I started to imagine that I was making love to my daughter. I swear I was just focusing on the sensation of Vanessa’s body when Aria’s face appeared before me. My nightmare had come to life. There was a part of me that wanted to stop, but the fact that I didn’t want to open my eyes and look at my wife said enough. She was kissing me and all I kept fantasizing about was my daughter’s warm, sensuous lips pressing against mine. It was twisted how I was able to conjure up such sick fantasies. I felt guilty about it afterwards, of course. Disgust swiftly seeped into my psyche after I came down from an explosive release. Vanessa wanted to cuddle and I immediately pulled away, using the excuse of having to clean up. I needed to get it together in the bathroom for a few minutes.

Once I was finally alone, I stood across from the mirror and looked at my reflection. I was alone with my demons at last. Nothing made sense to me anymore. Six months earlier, I’d been so happy to have found my daughter again, and grateful that she still wanted me to be a part of her life. Now I was racking my brain, trying to think of all the alternatives if Doctor Grey wasn’t able to cure me of this …illness.

Should I push her away? Should I send her back to live with her mother? Oh, hell no. There’s no way I’m going to let Aria live with that son of a bitch. Is she trying to seduce me?My panicking thoughts were swallowing me whole.

“Noah, honey, is everything all right in there?”

I turned on the tap and splashed some water on my face.

“Yeah, I’m almost done. Be right out.”

I walked out of the bathroom and slipped back into bed.

“Come here, big boy.” She giggled, wrapping herself around me and resting her head on my chest. “I missed you. I missedthis. We really needed some makeup sex.” A contented sigh escaped her lips.

I was still troubled by my torturous thoughts of immoral lust, but I kept them to myself and kissed my wife’s head before I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

****

The week had gone by agonizingly slow, and the weather wasn’t all that great when I woke up Wednesday morning. It looked like it was going to rain, which was odd because it was usually clear skies this time of year. I left the house earlier than usual, so Vanessa ended up driving Aria to school. This was a good thing. They needed to bond more. I just didn’t want to be alone in the car again with my daughter. At this point, I didn’t trust myself to be strong enough to resist temptation. The week before it had been extremely difficult to fight my body’s impulses.

At Grey’s practice, I took the elevator up to his office. It was still so familiar, though the last time I was here wasn’t for a formal counselling session. The fateful morning I’d constantly been dreading had finally arrived. I could have turned around and spared myself from judgment and humiliation, but then I remembered that I was paying the guy to help me, and if I wanted help, I had to be honest.

The elevator had one of those sliding doors that you needed to manually open and close. I got out and glanced at my watch. I wasn’t late. The faint sound of opera music echoed in my ears as I walked down a narrow hallway. A soprano was singing a beautiful melody that I recognized but wasn’t able to remember off the top of my head. His waiting room was empty, and there was no receptionist.

Maybe he gave her the day off.

At a leisured pace, I made my way toward the big mahogany door, and as I was about to knock, the door suddenly swung open, revealing Alexander Grey himself.

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