Page 78 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

He turned around and left, leaving me all alone in my room, sexually frustrated. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Was this a sexual awakening for me? Why did it have to be him? Why was I so attracted to him? I hated myself. And I even hated myself more when I finally went to bed and started thinking about having sex with Noah.

*****

There I was, lying on my back in the darkness, wearing only a white bra and panties. It was too hot for PJs. I needed to clear my head, so I tried to relax and focus on my breathing. But as soon as I placed my hand on my stomach, it began to move downwards as if I didn’t have control over my body anymore. Someone else was possessing me.

Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking pervy thoughts! He’s your father!I yelled at myself, but the images only brightened and zoomed in on graphic areas of his body. My fingers slid under the top edge of my panties, going farther down, searching for that swollen bundle of nerves that desperately needed stimulation. I began to writhe and twist, holding back my breathy moans, as I imagined a naked Noah standing in front of me, watching me touch myself for him. I saw him stroking himself and groaning while circling his thumb where my fingers were. As obscene as it was, I wanted him to break the rules, abandon his moral code, and glide his length into me so that I could feel skin-on-skin contact.

I couldn’t stop. It was impossible. The muscles in my arm were starting to burn from the relentless speed that would achieve my release. I was practically digging my toes in my mattress from the intensifying sensations that were overpowering me. Noah’s body was engraved in my mind, and I continued to fantasize him transforming in to a lustful god of sex.

My imagination kicked into overdrive as I began to feel something wet, shooting all over my stomach. He dragged his fingers over the areas he had marked and proceeded to invade a territory that he still hadn’t conquered. I moaned and felt the intrusion when he probed me.

Such twisted thoughts, yet I couldn’t stop. The stimulation sent me over the edge, reaching a quick, earth-splitting orgasm. My body quivered and convulsed.

Sick, sweet release.

I stood up and walked into my bathroom, feeling confused and ashamed. The shame always consumed me afterwards, to the point where I got so depressed about it. I didn’t want to feel this way. Life would have been much easier if Ididn’tfeel this way, but sadly that was not the case. I didn’t know whether to be elated with joy over my little conquest over Noah earlier or to cry tears of agony for seducing him and corrupting his soul with my sin. I couldn’t even trust myself anymore, especially not around him.

CHAPTER TWENTY

noah

What the hell was happening between me and Aria?

She kissed you, again.

It wasn’t on the lips.

It was close enough.

That annoyingly sardonic voice echoed in my head as I paced around my study, closing the blinds before I sat at my desk.

You didn’t exactly pull back, Noah.

I wasn’t sure if it was my conscience speaking this time or the same guy who walked through that forbidden door last night: Noah 2.0, reprogrammed for destruction.

You wanted to kiss her.

Uncontrollable thoughts were racing in my consciousness. I had to get away from her, otherwise I would have—

Lost control? Oh, please, she wants you. It’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?

It wasn’t like there was someone else in the room finishing my sentences—it was just that my voice sounded so foreign to me, like another person was saying the words, impersonating me. I sounded crazy. Maybe I was. It was quite possible that I was slowly losing my mind, though I wasn’t sure why … Probably a good thing I would be visiting my shrink soon.

I exhaled deeply and propped my feet up on my desk. Aria’s lips had left a permanent impression on mine. A full twelve hours had passed, yet I could still taste her kiss, the scent of vanilla gloss tingling on my lips. She had driven me nuts all evening when her friend was over. I couldn’t stand the way my daughter was behaving around me. She was pushing me away, and I was so afraid of the distance she was placing between us.

You walked in on her dancing, and all you could do was ogle her body.

I closed my eyes and faced the shadow standing before me. I refused to believe his accusations. It was self versus self, battling it out. The sad part was that once the denial faded, all I could do was hang my head in shame. I would have begged my unyielding opponent to show some mercy and lock me up forever so that I would never reach her again, but the more I tried to stop thinking about Aria, the longer she lingered in my head. There was just no escape. Burying myself in work wasn’t helping either, since I couldn’t exactly focus.

All right, I just need to keep it together until I see Doctor Grey next week. Then I can let all my ugly demons out, and he can help me figure out what’s going on.

I was about to text Lewis when my wife suddenly entered my study. She quickly shut the door and marched right up to me with tears in her eyes.

“I know you don’t like to be disturbed when you’re in here, but today I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I practically locked myself inside my office all evening because I wasn’t ready to come home yet.”

“Vanessa, I think—”

“Hear me out, please?”

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