Page 64 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“You should get some sleep,” I finally said. “Goodnight, Aria.” I mustered every ounce of strength to pull away and stand up, leaving her alone in her room.

This didn’t happen.I tried to calm myself as I walked back to the sofa that made a poor substitute for a bed.

Please don’t follow me out here.

My lips were still tingling. That part when I said her kiss was anything but sexual? I take it back. This was the first time I had ever been kissed so innocently and felt such intense arousal. I couldn’t understand it.

Take a cold shower—it’ll go down.

No, just jerk off and you’ll feel better.

Two speakers, different personalities, same voice. And that voice belonged to me. I kept battling my psychological turmoil, until I finally stood up and headed to a bathroom downstairs.

Cold shower, cold shower, cold shower …

I pulled down my boxer briefs and it felt so good to let the weight of my manhood hang freely.

You’re turned on because you’re sexually frustrated. It’s not about Aria. Just think of the wife and rub one out real fast. You’ll feel better and you’ll be able to go to sleep.

Someone was whispering sinful justification in my ear as I wrapped my fingers around my shaft and began to slowly stroke it. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on Vanessa—her body, her face, our lovemaking. But those images were continually forced away and replaced with one very fresh memory: Aria kissing me. The harder I tried to erase that image, the longer it lasted in my head, taunting me with its sick meaning. I was left with no choice but to submit and become a slave to the indescribable pleasure and sensation. I had sealed my fate and accepted that I was surely Hellbound.

One simple decision was all it took to eternally chain myself to the sorrow and guilt that I would feel once I’d accomplish what I biologically needed. My body was almost convulsing as I stroked my length faster, breathing harder while beads of sweat dropped down my forehead and chest. It was all happening in flashes in my mind. I was assaulted by X-rated graphics that wouldn’t disappear. Everything was Aria now, as if a virus that had entered my system and wouldn’t leave. Her eyes, her lips, her breasts, her stomach, her long slender legs … I kept replaying every moment I had shared in her presence. Every moment she had hugged me, sat on my lap, cuddled me, kissed my cheek, or touched my chest. No memory was safe anymore. No longer were they stored inside my vault of innocence: the demon within had confiscated that purity by contorting and manipulating the memories into everything lustful, sexual, and immoral.

The room was spinning. I reached out and steadied my balance by supporting my weight against the edge of the vanity. When I opened my eyes, I kept hoping that her innocent face would fade away. But it didn’t, and I couldn’t stop myself. A ravenous beast had taken over, and it wouldn’t cease its possession until it was satisfied.

“Fuck!” I held my breath as every muscle in my body tensed up before I finally released an unbelievable load. With haste, I grabbed a couple of tissues to clean up. If psychically impregnating a woman were possible, I would have achieved it.

What the fuck, Noah?

My body finally relaxed and my demon was satiated as he chained and shackled my wrists to a wall, sneering at me with a gleeful grin. He was my evil twin, someone I thought I had killed long ago. Behold his resurrection.

I broke down in tears while I washed my hands. The shame that I felt was just too much. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.

What kind of father am I? How can I allow this to happen? How can I be so weak and perverse? I should be locked up. I should turn myself in tomorrow. How the hell could I fantasize about my own daughter?I needed help.

There was no way I could forgive myself. The deed was done. I finally raised my head and stared at my reflection; Noble Noah versus twisted, shadow Noah. I was drowning in the guilt of what I had done, and I hadn’t even touched her. It wasn’t like I had to in order to bare the weight of this guilt. Just the fact that I crossed that line in my head for the past five minutes said enough. The man who was staring back at me was unrecognizable, and I was suddenly afraid of myself because I couldn’t identify with my own reflection.

You just murdered the salvation of your soul. Welcome to my world.

I had split myself in half. Who was I? Had I always been this person? Was this shadow of a man always present? Or was I just oblivious to his existence? Nothing made sense to me, and no matter how hard I tried to rationalize, it still didn’t take away the heavy burden of shame. My temper suddenly shattered, and I felt a surge of anger go through my body as I resisted the urge to punch my fist through the mirror. Instead, I pushed back my remorseful tears and decided to call up my shrink in the morning. It wasn’t too late. I could fix this. There had to be a reason for all of it, and I had to believe that it was fixable. Nothing was destroyed, and I would never lay a hand on my daughter in a sexual way—ever. I’d rather kill myself.

Crying and revealing my vulnerabilities had never really been my deal. I mean, I had been through a lot of shit in my life, but I’d never felt comfortable crying in front of anyone, or on my own. The fact that my daughter could get so close to me and make me feel this emotionally exposed scared the fuck out of me. I didn’t know how to deal with all these feelings. It was too much to handle, and it was overwhelming me. I knew it was wrong. I probably had a spot reserved in Hell after what I’d done tonight, but I would never drag her to Hell with me. And I would never do this again.

Take it easy—you were frustrated. You haven’t had sex with the wife in a long while. She’s been frigid. What do you expect? Give yourself a break, it’s nothing serious. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. No need to call that decrepit old shrink. You love Aria the same way any protective father loves his daughter, nothing more. Relax.

I was desperately trying to comfort myself as I walked out of the bathroom, ascending into the darkness. The fucked-up part was that it wasn’t Noble Noah doing the consoling inside my head, it was my evil twin, slapping my shoulder and mocking me with a gloating grin that was supposed to pass for a sympathetic smile. I wished I was a blissfully ignorant person. Maybe my life would have been much easier.

Fuck my life.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

aria

I didn’t want to wake up that morning. It had been impossible to fall asleep after what happened the night before.I’d kissed Noah.Well, not like full-out French kiss with tongue action, but … I kissed him … on the lips, and he just walked out of my room like nothing happened.

Oh God, I probably embarrassed him and freaked him out.I’d felt way too humiliated to go after him—I took his departure as blatant rejection. What had I been thinking? I knew I wasn’t supposed to cross that line, but I couldn’t fight the attraction between us. There was something about him that naturally pulled me closer while we lay together. I thought it was useless to avoid or resist it. So I gave in.

Having already showered and styled my hair, I quickly fixed my face with some light makeup and sprayed on some D&G. I tried to regain control over the racing panic in my mind as I put on my school uniform. The girls at my school always hiked up their skirts to look sexier, leaving a couple of shirt buttons undone to show off some cleavage. I was able to get away with the shorter hemline, but whenever I attempted to unbutton my shirt a bit, Noah gave me a hard time. He wouldn’t let me leave the house looking so provocative. It wasn’t an issue for me, though. Conforming to popular dress code was much easier once I got on school campus. Pretty sneaky of me, I know, but I just wanted to fit in.

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