Page 49 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“How much older?”

Yep, clearly he didn’t sound too pleased.

“Um … about five years.”

Okay, so I lied. Noah was sixteen years older than me, but I swear if you placed us side by side, you would only think there was a five-year difference.

“Where did you meet him?”

“It doesn’t matter.” I hesitated to go on. “It’s just a dumb crush, anyway.”

He kissed my shoulder and caressed my stomach again.

“Sometimes even the smallest crush can be agonizing,” he said. “When you feel like you’re in love, your whole world suddenly begins to revolve around that person. They’re in your mind twenty-four/seven. And as euphoric as it is to be around them, it can be heartbreaking at the same time when they don’t return your feelings or have no clue how you feel about them.

“I’m not sure what your history is with this guy, but you’re young, Aria. You should be dating boys your own age. I know I can’t dictate to you to feel a certain way. In life you may encounter moments where you feel a bond with a person who’s completely wrong for you, but your heart can’t help it.”

Oh yeah,definitely couldn’t help it.

“Can you tell me a little bit about him?”

“No, I’d rather forget about it.” I didn’t want to open up. I felt extremely emotional for some reason.

Noah seemed reluctant to let it go, but he eventually did. “I’m always here for you if you need to talk.”

“Thank you,” I murmured.

“Don’t mention it. You need to get some sleep, though. You’ve got school tomorrow.”

“Can you sleep next to me?” I turned around and looked at him. His face was inches away from mine.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” I sulked, as he sat up and got off the bed.

“Because,Aria!”

Whoa … that angry outburst came out of left field. One minute he was sweet, gentle, affectionate Noah, and the next minute he was explosive and mean.

“I’m going to take a quick shower.” His expression remained grim. “Get some rest. Goodnight.” All the warmth had drained from his voice. Noah disappeared into the bathroom before I could say anything else to him. I began to tear up as I sat there feeling confused and rejected.

What just happened?

****

I was lying on my side, hugging a pillow and silently sobbing in the darkness. The city lights were visible from the window across from me, and I was almost tempted to throw myself down and end my life.

Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I feel what I’m supposed to feel toward him?

Self-inflicted torture, that’s what it was. I played back the negative thoughts on repeat like a broken record. It was hard falling asleep because my mind was a mess, but at least I was physically comfortable. He had lent me his Harvard shirt and shorts the last time, but I didn’t want to wear his clothes. It would have felt like I was wearinghim,so I stripped down to my T-shirt and panties. I lay there in bed, sniffling and feeling sorry for myself. Noah’s affection made me feel so close to him. It hurt when he briskly pushed me away. Loneliness was something I had adapted to. It was hard to cope after discovering what it felt like to feel so close to someone. His shower was taking longer than he said it would. As I listened to the faint sound of pressurized water hitting the tiles, my imagination began to wander … his naked body under the water, his hands lathering his muscles with soap … shoulders, arms, chest, abs, leading to the mysterious length of his …

The bathroom door suddenly swung open and blinding light filled the room. I raised myself up a bit to look at him. There was a white towel wrapped around his waist in the lowest position possible, showing off his attractive pelvic bones. I couldn’t help but gawk at that body. Tiny droplets of water rolled down Noah’s chest and stomach as a cloud of steam evaporated off his toned physique. How did he not have a modeling career? He looked unreal.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” he asked.

“No, I was awake.”

My curious eyes followed him across the room, watching him grab another towel to dry off. Noah started toward me and I instantly turned away, rolling on the other side. I just didn’t want to talk to him while I was still so upset.

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