Page 40 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“I don’t hear anything,” she said, as I slowed down.

Something was vibrating on the nightstand, and I was expecting to find my cellphone when I turned my head in that direction. But nothing was there.

Suddenly my eyes snapped open and I found myself fully clothed, sleeping next to my daughter in bed, spooning with her. She was still under the covers while I lay over them. Half asleep, rock hard, and completely confused, I reached back to grab my cellphone. It was almost four in the morning. I read the caller ID. My buddy, Andy, had called me—most likely drunk off his ass. He tended to call or drunk text in the middle of the night. He led a “live fast, die young” sort of lifestyle. When I checked my text messages, my suspicions were confirmed. I couldn’t make sense at all of what he was trying to say. I always joked with him and told him that an incompetent monkey was able to text better than him while intoxicated.

Feeling thankful to have woken up, I slowly crept out of bed and made my way toward the bathroom. My mind was all over the place. I felt sick to my stomach, as an intense feeling of guilt washed over me. What kind of father was I, dreaming about sex with my own daughter? And it wasn’t just any kind of sex—I was rough with her. I’d fucked her in my dreams and had woken up fully aroused, still thinking about those images that shouldn’t have been there. It was shameful, disgusting.

Her feral moans echoed in my ears as I stood in front of the mirror and smacked myself in the head three times in a fit of rage.

Nope, self-inflicted punishment didn’t make the feelings disappear. I turned on the tap and washed my face with ice-cold water, refusing to jerk off because my conscience was marred with enough guilt. Instead, I took a moment to calm down before I exited the bathroom and left Aria to sleep in the bed without me. I must have fallen asleep while telling her that story. Why I even dreamed about having sex with her was beyond me.

When I finally lay down on the sofa, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. There was no explanation as to why my dream was so graphic and wrong, but I was thankful to God himself (whom I had difficulty believing in) that it was only a dream. No, not a dream, a nightmare—a sick, twisted nightmare that still had me standing at attention, which only added to my mentally disturbed state.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Noah?I asked myself. If this happened one more time, I was calling my shrink. There was no way I would ever initiate sex with my daughter.

I’d rather be castrated, have my arms sawed off, and be blinded with battery acid,I told myself.

She was my little girl—all right, my teenage, almost adult, daughter. But still, it didn’t make sense that I could even subconsciously think about looking at her as a sex object. Perhaps this was God’s way of punishing me for turning my back on him. Maybe I needed a church intervention, to become a born-again Christian.

I closed my eyes and tried to forget the sensation of what it felt like to be inside of her … how good it felt.

Fuck it. I was going to Hell.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

ARIA

It was a Monday evening, and I was standing in the kitchen with my mother while she prepared a chicken casserole for dinner. School had been excruciatingly boring, and I was a little disappointed to come back to our shabby old apartment after having spent the night at Noah’s lavish hotel room last Thursday.

“You’re joking, right?” I said, shocked. “Do you understand what I just asked you?”

“Yes, Aria, I understand. I think it’ll be good for you if you go and live with your father for the rest of the year.”

I could hardly believe my ears.

“Good riddance!” yelled my stepdad from the living room. He was glued to the television, per usual, with beer in hand.

I ignored his snotty comment and handed the black pepper shaker to my mom.

“Don’t listen to him,” she said. “He’s just teasing you.”

Right. I knew Rob was ecstatic about me leaving. Personally, I couldn’t wait to leave New York. I certainly wouldn’t miss him, and I didn’t think my siblings would feel my absence, since they had this special bond that had always excluded me. I guess it was a twin thing that I could never be a part of. Jade, Ally, and my mom were the only people I would really miss. It kind of sucked switching schools during senior year, but I couldn’t pass up this opportunity. The semester was almost over, which meant my transition would be a bit easier. I wanted to be close to Noah. I wanted to know him and be a part of his life. He and I were bonding crazy fast. I couldn’t turn my back on that.

****

Dinner was a total drag. It was difficult to get my mind offhim. I kept hoping he would text me, but he didn’t. I guess he was busy. I mean, he hadn’t called or texted the whole day.

Is he mad at me? Is he having second thoughts about inviting me to come live with him?I was panicking in my mind. It was making me lose my appetite.

“May I be excused?”

“No, sit down and eat your damn meal,” Rob grumbled, chewing on chicken casserole.

“But I feel sick—I can’t finish the rest.”

My stepdad pounded his fist down on the table so hard that the plates and utensils literally bounced. “Eat your damn food! What are you teaching your younger sister? Goddamn anorexic …”

“I’m not anorexic!” I stood up, my hands shaking from anger.

---