Page 27 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

I was surprised he didn’t cuss me out the way my stepdad usually did. Maybe he was trying to leave a good impression.

“So, anyway, I buried my head in academics and art. I suck at math and science. I think my best shot is majoring in English Lit and teaching, but I really don’t have the patience for that. Who wants to finish school only to gobackto schoolfor the rest of their lives? I’m clearly in the identity moratorium phase, or to put it simply, I’m stuck at the stage of identity versus confusion.”

Noah smiled. “Erik Erikson’s stage theory … I remember taking a psych course—not familiar with the moratorium phase thing, though. I think you should consider becoming a psychology major.”

Me? A psych major?Someone needed to psychoanalyzeme.Freud would’ve loved to have had me on his couch. Yep, it was safe to say that I had no idea what the heck I wanted to be when I was all “grown up.”

“I just feel lost.”

“I understand what you’re saying, but you’re certainly well spoken, Aria. Your vocabulary and knowledge is very rich for someone your age.”

“English, art, history, and social sciences are my strongest subjects. Don’t ask me to reveal my grades in calculus and physics because it’s embarrassing.”

Noah chuckled. “I can get you the best tutor when you come live with me. Your marks will significantly improve. Although I do support the academic route in life, I want to fully support you as well on pursuing your dream. It’s not too late. And …” He paused, taking a deep breath. “That idiot stepfather of yours doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Every industry can be risky, but it’s important to have a good group of people around you to keep you grounded. I promise that I’ll never leave your side. Not ever again.”

I felt so much joy in that moment that I could hardly contain my happiness.

“I still want you to get into a good college,” Noah added. “It’s always best to have a plan B in case plan A falls through. But I’ll tell you what—I have connections with very important people. I can get you in a great agency, and you can do some modeling on the side while you’re studying. How does that sound?”

“Do you really mean that?” I was so surprised and happy to the point that I was getting emotional.

“Aria, you are beyond beautiful. Personally, if I had it my way, I’d lock you up and keep your beauty hidden from the world forever. But that’s selfish and unfair. If this is what makes you happy, then I’ll do whatever I can to stand behind you and help you achieve your dreams.”

This was just unreal. Why, why was he so perfect?

“Aw, baby, don’t cry. Come here.”

It was true. He evoked so much emotion in me that it brought me to tears. For once in my life, I felt like an angel had fallen from Heaven to come to my rescue.

“I mean it,” Noah whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.” He wrapped his big, strong arms around me and kissed my head.

My heart was racing. I was scared he would hear it. His body felt so familiar, as if it belonged to me. I don’t know why I felt this way. Perhaps because I was feeling territorial about him. Maybe it was the beginning stages of possessiveness. How would Erikson label that? Stage 5.5: neuroticism vs. total cray-cray?Yeah …No. I had no logical explanations and I didn’t want to keep questioning myself, because when he held me in his arms, the storm in my chest suddenly calmed and faded away.

“I love you, Aria.”

Please mean it forever.I had been so deprived of love. Was that what I was feeling? Love deprivation? I had a mother who cared for me and loved me in her own way, yet I’d never felt that it was enough. Was I just a needy person, always wanting more? Or was I in love with this handsome man who made me melt whenever he looked at me? He made my heart flutter with his soft-spoken words, and I felt a pull at the pit of my stomach whenever he was close to me. Noah made me feel so many conflicting emotions that society would deem wrong and immoral. Was I a bad person for feeling this way? Was I hellspawn? I wondered what he would think if he knew half the things that went through my mind when I looked at him.

He finally withdrew and held my face, staring at me with an intensity that instantly made me feverish. Noah set fire to my frozen soul even though his fingertips felt cold.

Eyes of fire, touch of ice.I made a mental note to write that in my diary when I got home.

“Let’s lighten up the evening with a little music, huh?” He smiled and got to his feet.

“I’ll clean up.”

“No, leave the plates and pizza boxes.”

I watched him with curiosity as he turned on the stereo and shuffled through some tracks. Within seconds, I heard Frank Sinatra’s jazzy voice, singing one of his famous songs, “Fly Me to the Moon.” My mother was a huge fan and always listened to his albums. I laughed when Noah started to sway with the music while walking toward me.

“Dance with me.”

“Oh my gosh, no!” I covered my blushing cheeks and peered up at him when he stepped in front of me.

“Come on,” he encouraged, holding out his hands. “You said you can dance—now show me.”

“Yeah, but—”

Before I could make an excuse, he pulled me up in his arms, which left me almost breathless.

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