Page 17 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“Wait, what? No, it’s not like that. Calm down.”

“Just give it to me straight. Does that piece of shit abuse you?” His eyes were intimidating me. The ocean blue in his irises had completely frosted over. I was paralyzed.

“He … he’s hit me a few times. But that’s it.”

“I swear to God I’m going to kill him—and don’t worry about the jail time. I’m a lawyer, which means I’m pretty skilled at bending the truth.” He began to pace in frustration.

I was seeing a totally different side of him. It was intense, somewhat scary, and made me feel so unbelievably loved at the same time.

“Why didn’t you mention this in court?” he asked. “I could have got full custody of you!”

Noah’s angry outburst made me jump. I tried to control my trembling lip, fighting my hardest to hold back my hurt. “Like I said, he’s only hit me a few times.” It wasn’t just a few times. I had honestly lost count. “Mom keeps him under control.”

“Keeps him under control? Is he a rabid pit bull living with you guys? Aria, you’re my daughter. No one is allowed to lay a hand on you! Do you understand that? Do you understand how this makes me feel as your father?”

Pedestrians were walking by, staring at us. I was quivering. Not because I was cold, but because I had upset him.

“I already feel like the world’s biggest failure for not being there for you,” he continued. “This certainly tops it. I let my family dictate my life to me, and as a result, you had to grow up getting beaten every day. This is all my fault.”

“He doesn’t hit me every day!”

How could I get through to him? He was so visibly upset. I had to suck it up and tell him how I felt. “What did you expect me to say at the court hearing? I didn’t know a single thing about you, and all of a sudden I was expected to trust you? For all I knew, you could’ve been worse than Rob. No matter what mistakes my mom made, I wasn’t going to throw her under the bus. I asked the judge to grant you shared custody, which is pretty pointless, considering the fact that I’ll be eighteen in less than six months and none of this will matter!

“And you know what? In some ways I can’t wait, because my life won’t be controlled by you, or Mom, or my crummy stepdad. I can choose my own goddamn path!” I furiously shouted, walking away from him. How ironic was it that I was walking down a park path, after I finished my little “monologue” about independence?

“Aria … Aria, hold on!” Noah caught up to me. “Will you just stop for a second?”

I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to keep going. I wanted to cry, but I steeled myself and immobilized my feet. As tempting as it was, I refused to face him.

“Look at me, please.” His voice was gentle and persuasive. No matter how much my brain screamed,no!I ignored the command, turned my head, and met his gaze.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he said. “Sometimes I lose my temper easily. It used to be worse, and I’ve learned to control it better, but I don’t always succeed.”

I remained silent and shifted my weight to my right leg, folding my arms in my chest.

“I know my efforts to obtain custody of you now seem pointless, but this wasn’t something recent. I’ve been trying to get visitation rights for years. We both know why that never worked in my favor. But I changed. Taking this to trial was important to me.Youare important to me. Can’t you see that?”

Was this really about me? Or was it about proving a point to my mother?

“You might not understand it,” he continued, “but I feel protective of you, and I want you to be in a safe and loving environment. That bastard shouldn’t raise his hand on you or any of his kids.”

“I understand that. I just don’t want trouble for Mom, which is why—”

“Let me finish,” Noah interrupted. “Let me finish what I have to say. Trust me, I realize where you’re coming from.” He looked at me and waited for a silent confirmation. I nodded. “I understand your feelings of loyalty toward your mother. But now I know more than ever that you belong with me. There’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to sleep at night knowing you’re living under the same roof as a violent maniac who feels he has the right to hit you.”

You belong with me… Those were the only words that registered in my mind, and I repeated them to myself.

“Have you spoken to your mother yet about moving in with me and Vanessa?”

I shook my head. “Not yet.”

“Please talk to her about it before the weekend.”

I nodded and he hugged me again, murmuring, “I love you, and I know it’s hard for you to believe that, but I will prove it in time. I want to be here for you.”

Tears were filling my eyes, and it was so hard to hold them back.

“I should probably drive you back now.”

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