Page 139 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“Hey!” Aria complained.

“I said I don’t want you talking to my daughter!” I reminded my brother. “Now do us all a favor and get the fuck out!” Whatever state of calmness I had struggled to maintain quickly slipped away from me. My wife looked absolutely appalled by my behavior, while Vienna shook her head in dismay.

“Come on, Evan,” said Vi. “I’ll show you out. I have no idea what’s wrong with Noah today.”

They soon disappeared, and Vanessa followed. Aria was about to leave, when I grabbed her arm and pulled her back. “Oh no you don’t, young lady.”

“Let go of me!” She frowned and tried to free herself from my clutches. “How could you be so rude and mean?”

“Because I’m trying to protect you. How many times do I need to say it? You have no idea who he is. I grew up with him. You need to listen to me.”

“No, I don’t.” She finally retrieved her arm and folded both across her chest.

“I’m your dad, and yes, you do.”

Arguing like this was only going to lead to a dead end.

“Is that what you’re always going to do now?” she said. “Play the ‘dad’ card whenever it’s convenient for you?”

“I’m not playing anything. I’m your father. It’s who I am, and you need to obey me because I know what’s best for you.” I sounded like some patriarchal asshole.

“Really? Just like you knew what was best for me last night …Dad?”

Evidently she was trying to push my buttons. And it was working.

“Be serious, Aria.”

“Give me back his number.”

I don’t know why I felt so hurt when she said this to me, but my reaction didn’t make things any better. Impulsively, I shredded his card and tossed it in the trash. I thought it would give me satisfaction, but it didn’t. All I could see in her engaging eyes was agony.

Nice work, Noah. You took that too far.

“Why are you trying to isolate me and stop me from meeting your family—myfamily? Are you ashamed of me? Are you afraid I’ll tell, or they’ll know? Because if that’s the case, nobody knows and nobody ever will!”

I felt like a scumbag. Violating my morals had already resulted in long, sleepless nights with a tormented conscience. I wanted to say something, but she fled out of my study in a flash.

“Aria!” I tried to go after her and got as far as her bedroom, but she shut the door and locked it before I could even reach the doorknob. I hated walls between us. When it came to my daughter, I just couldn’t handle it. The feeling was comparable to a chronic case of anxiety. She made me crazy.

I tried a gentler tone, resting a hand on the door. “Baby, come on. Please let me in.” Not only was I the concerned father in that moment, I was the rejectedalmost-lover, desperate for forgiveness, and I was scared to death because I was losing control over my feelings. My emotions were running like river rapids. This was how I constantly felt around her.

Losing hope, I turned around. My wife and Vienna were glaring at me, expecting explanations. I sat them down and briefly summarized why Evan and I didn’t get along. You’d think that they would finally side with me once I uncovered his bad track record. But no, after wasting my breath for twenty minutes, the only thing Vienna could manage to say was “People change.” And my wife backed her up with “Brothers never abandon each other. They get over their differences and bury the hatchet. Give him a chance.”

We ended the discussion with those final words before they both went off on their scheduled spa day. I avoided Aria because I knew I’d only lose my temper again, so there was no point in apologizing. I had to cool down.

****

Raising a child—that was something I’d been deprived of. The sad part was that I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. I was responsible for all the choices I’d made in my life. Sure, my mother always interfered in my personal affairs, but I had the power to stop her—I just gave up. Inviting Aria to come and live with me and Nessa had turned out to be a double-edged sword. Never in a million years had I expected something like this to happen. I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility that this could happen when I saw her for the first time. Did I feel attracted to her then? Was I just ignoring it? Every time I thought about her in any sort of romantic way, I felt either incredibly pissed at myself or despairingly hopeless. This wasn’t something I could change overnight. I never should have crossed the line, but I had, and it was too late to take it all back. I felt like my only choice now was to keep my distance from her … as in thousands of miles. That would have been the safest solution, but I couldn’t even do that. Why? Because I had already abandoned her once before. I couldn’t do that again. It would have been selfish of me. The only way to go about repairing our relationship was through counseling. My feelings for my daughter were not dominated by lust. Despite the short time that we’d been reconnected, I’d instantly felt a fatherly instinct toward her. That desire to protect her from all harm had been there from the moment I laid eyes on her. I wanted to shield her from the dangers of life and the wickedness of the world. The messed-up part was that every day I was around her,Ifelt like the danger, the wicked-minded bastard. I had to get over the attraction and take control. If I let her steer, we would both get hurt.

I wound up busying myself with work all throughout the afternoon. But as much as it helped keep me distracted, there was only so much researching I could do. Feeling fed up, I finally left my study and decided to change into my gym gear and work off my frustration with some weight training.

****

A traffic jam of thoughts went through my head while I ran on the treadmill:Aria … Doctor Grey … Vanessa … failing marriage … Evan … Aria … Aria … Aria.I turned up the volume on my iPhone and increased the speed on the machine. Sprinting until I cramped in pain seemed like the only way to get her out of my head.

I killed a good seventy-five minutes of cardio, drenched in sweat. Assaulting my punching bag only fed my underlying rage. I couldn’t stop. Left, right, left, right—I was throwing jabs harder and faster, feeling the painful impact on my knuckles even though they were shielded by boxing gloves.

You don’t really believe Evan’s responsible for your father’s death, Noah. Of course you resent him, but in truth, you’re threatened by him. You want to keep Aria all to yourself.

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