Page 136 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

Yes, we had.

“I was on drugs,” he continued, “so I was already paranoid. I thought I shot a deer. I didn’t know it was Dad.”

“You never came on hunting or fishing trips. What made you suddenly decide to take an interest and come along with us that weekend? Was it because you had already orchestrated Dad’s murder in your mind?” I refused to let him speak, as I continued: “And don’t give me a bullshit excuse about you being inexperienced with a gun. You may have skipped out on the hunting trips, but you were obsessed with the shooting range. You took a keen interest in Dad’s collection of firearms, if memory serves me well. You knew exactly how to use that gun.”

“Would you please listen to yourself? Do you even realize how crazy you sound?”

“I’m not crazy, I’m right. You always hated him.”

“No, I did not,” Evan insisted. “I loved our father—and of course I knew how to use the damn gun! I told you, I wasn’t able to see properly! I was on edge because I was doped up. I shot Dad by accident, thinking it was a deer. How many times do I have to repeat this?”

“You saw an opportunity to stick it to the old man and take over everything he dedicated his life to. What youdidn’tknow was that Dad had already changed his will, replacing your name with mine. Your DUI arrest was a blessing in disguise because it made our father see what a colossal fuck up you are! So thank you for that!”

“I didn’t mean to shoot Dad! And I never wanted to run the company, anyway! Mom never questioned my innocence. Everyone knows it was an accident, except you.”

And that’s when it hit me like lightning. My God … my own mother. I stopped pacing and rubbed my forehead.

“You know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe you are innocent in all this. You always were Mother’s lapdog. She probably couldn’t wait to get her greedy hands on Dad’s money. You were just the perfect scapegoat.”

“What the fuck are you talking about!”

“Mom told you to kill him, didn’t she?”

“Are you accusing our mother of being my accomplice now?”

“I’d heard her conversations with you to sell the company once Dad was dead and buried in the ground.”

“She was a shareholder in the company, Noah. She was only giving me advice when the time came.”

“What the hell does Mom know about the business world?”

“I trusted her wisdom more than anyone else’s. When Dad said that he was giving the company over to me, I was overwhelmed because Mom had been lecturing me about all the responsibilities that would follow. They were responsibilities that I didn’t want. Don’t jump to conclusions based on two minutes of conversation you overheard between me and Mom.”

I was silent, desperately trying to rationalize the chaos of that tragedy.

“I know you’re angry,” Evan sighed, “but you need to stop looking for someone to blame. I miss him too. He was the only one who truly understood me.”

I ignored him and kept trying to pinpoint facts and motives. It all made sense now. Dad had been planning on divorcing Mom because he wasn’t happy with her anymore. Our mother had always been a very cold, emotionally withdrawn, and strict sort of woman. I didn’t blame him for wanting out. He’d spoken to me about it one day, after we’d finished a tennis match. I was always closest to Dad. Before he and Mom got married, he told me they signed a prenuptial agreement. In the case of divorce, Mom would walk away with only a million, and this would secure my father’s right to hold all other assets. She didn’t take it so well when he eventually told her they were headed for splitsville. But my father was known for being a very generous man. He owned Hunter Oil Corporation. Dad had expanded the company and brought in billions of dollars in profit. I was certain that my mother got greedy, because she kept insisting that I step down as CEO and relinquish all control to her so she could “take over” for Dad. I knew she just wanted to sell the company and sit on top of the family fortune, gaining complete control over all of Dad’s assets. The best decision my father ever made was entrusting me with all he had.

“Dad’s death was an accident,” Evan reiterated. “It wasn’t premeditated murder. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could turn back the clock and never have gone on that trip. I was tired of being the prodigal son. I wanted to make him proud. That’s why I’d finally decided to come with you guys. And you’re right, I didn’t know that Dad had changed his will. But even if I’d known, I still would have come.

“You think you’re the black sheep in the family for all your fuck-ups? You’re dead wrong, Noah. Dead wrong. I could never compete with you … any of you! I could never measure up. How could I? I’m not part of the famous family tree.”

“Do you want to know what really does my head in?” I shouted, grimacing. “How could you get all fucked up on drugs during our trip, if you wanted to make him proud?”

“You want to know why?”

I waited for him to continue.

“Well, do you?” he yelled, miming my raging temper.

“Oh, please, do enlighten me.” I couldn’t hide the contempt in my voice.

“I used to be so depressed and was getting high on Oxy and LSD almost every day that year. When Dad invited me on that trip, I packed up all my drugs and was prepared to toss that shit into the lake as a show of good faith. I was ready to turn a new leaf. I wanted to return home a changed man, but that didn’t happen.” There was an uncomfortable silence between us while I leaned back against my desk and tried to read him. “I overheard you and Isaac talking behind my back in the cabin that evening.” He frowned, appearing angrier. “I had gone out to gather firewood but ended up coming back because I had forgotten my gloves. Do you remember that conversation, or would you like me to refresh your memory?”

I said nothing because I truly didn’t remember that discussion taking place. It was so long ago.

“ ‘What the fuck is Dad thinking making Evan the new CEO?’ ‘Little brother’s going to burn the company down to the ground.’ ‘That kid is dumb as a donkey.’ ‘Yeah, a kid. That’s what he is.’ ‘He’s always screwing up. He’s making us all look bad—wish Mom and Pops never adopted the little hellraiser.’ ”

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