Page 83 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“Which one is stronger? The physical attraction or the emotional?”

I was slowly falling apart in my head as I turned around and faced him. “I don’t know, Doc!” I erupted. “I don’t know why I feel this way! I just know that I shouldn’t!” My hands were shaking. I shoved them back in my pockets once more and leaned my weight against the wall.

Doctor Grey removed his glasses and put the notepad away. “This is not uncommon—what you are experiencing, I mean. There is a reason why you are feeling this way, and there are contributing factors that have caused dysfunction and lack of growth in your paternal relationship with your daughter.”

“I feel like a sick, perverted bastard.”

“Have you acted on the attraction?”

“No, of course not!”

“Do you feel that you are a threat to her?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you worried that you might molest or—”

“No! Christ, no, never! I’d rather castrate myself than to ever touch her in any indecent way. I would never cross that line!” I was livid with rage. “You said you wouldn’t judge me.”

“That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m trying to better understand your current mental condition and your thought process.”

“Well, you’re speaking to me as if I’m premeditating a crime.”

“There are strict incest laws in the state of California. According to Penal Code Section 285, committing incest may lead to serious criminal charges.”

Being a man of the law, I already knew this. I really needed a cigarette.

“Are you experienced in this topic or something?” I asked.

“I’ve had several patients—siblings who’ve encountered the same problem you are facing. Their situations have been very similar to yours—estrangement and separation at birth. Are you familiar with GSA?”

“What’s that?”

“Genetic sexual attraction.”

How could he remain so calm about all this? All morning I had played out all the possible outcomes of this visit with Grey. No matter how many different ways I replayed it, I always ended up walking out of his office in handcuffs.

“GSA,” Grey said, “is sexual attraction between biologically related family members. By this I mean, siblings, a parent and progeny, or first and second cousins that have lived separately from childhood and meet later in adulthood.”

I finally gained some composure and stepped over to the empty chair across from him before sitting down.

“In your case,” he continued, “given the unique circumstances that have occurred in your life, I can only conclude thatbecauseof your absence during Aria’s primary stages of growth, a paternal instinct did not properly develop within you.

“You missed out on changing diapers and feeding her. You missed her first steps she took as a baby, her first word, her first scraped knee from a playground tumble, countless birthdays … You’ve been absent for a great deal of her life, Noah. So much that it has prevented you from nurturing Aria the way you should have when she was still a child. Now that she is a grown young woman, you’re finding it difficult to develop a functioning paternal relationship.

“And the reason for this is that you did not raise her from birth. The bond between father and daughter did not develop naturally between you two and run its course according to society’s rules and expectations. I believe that if you had raised her as a child, you would not have sexually imprinted on her in later years like you are currently experiencing right now.”

“So, let me get this straight to be clear … You’re saying that I want her—sexually?”

“Well,doyou desire her sexually?”

I paused briefly and rubbed my temples.

“Stay honest,” he said. “The more honest you are with yourself, the better I can help you.”

I exhaled all my frustration and responded, “Yes. Shamefully, yes. But it’s not on purpose, I swear. I’m a married man and I love my wife. I don’t want to feel this way about my daughter.”

“Let us keep our focus on investigating why you feel this attraction, instead of burdening yourself with all these negative thoughts. It is clear that you have self-control, and you’ve stated that you would never do anything to harm Aria.”

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