Page 81 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

“Why do you believe you are going crazy?”

“Because I’m hearing things.”

“Voices?”

“Yes.”

“Multiple voices? Male, female?”

“No, just one—my own.”

“Well, that’s hardly a legitimate reason to label you crazy. It’s not uncommon to have conversations with yourself out loud or inside your head. Is this about your addiction? Do you feel the urge to use again?”

“No.” I turned my head and looked at him.

He retrieved the black framed glasses he had tucked away inside his breast pocket, put them on, and scribbled some things down.

“I think it’s safe to say that I’ve conquered those demons,” I continued. “I’ve been clean for ten years now.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Noah.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

“Please, tell me, what seems to be the issue at hand?”

I took a long pause and then stared at the ceiling again. “Do you remember about my daughter?”

“I remember her. Go on.”

“I got back in touch with her about six months ago.” I looked at Grey.

His expression gave nothing away.

“That’s wonderful. How did that go?” He crossed his leg over his knee.

Is he already concluding that I’m depressed because she doesn’t want me in her life?I questioned.

“Actually, it went better than expected. I have shared custody of her now, and she’s been living with me and my wife since December.”

“Splendid, I’m happy for you. I remember you expressing how much it pained you to not be a part of her life.”

There was a short silence between us as I sat up and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.

“Is Aria getting along with the two of you?” he asked.

“Aria’s amazing. She’s incredibly smart for her age and very mature. My daughter’s adapted to her new life with me very well. She gets along just fine with her stepmom.”

He readjusted his reading glasses and folded his hands in his lap. “Then what seems to be the problem?”

I thrust my fingers through my hair and massaged the back of my neck. A phantom pain had suddenly afflicted me. “I’m sorry, Doc, I just … I don’t know how to open up about this.”

Breathing out my anxiety didn’t seem to be helping much, and talking about it wasn’t progressing well. I was too afraid to say the words out loud.

“You find your daughter sexually attractive,” Grey blurted out.

I felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over my head as I looked up in disbelief and laughed off the excruciating awkwardness. My initial reaction was to yell out,no!But that would have been a lie. I was perplexed by how well this man could read me without having got me to admit anything. “Wow … you’re … wow … I can’t believe …” I stammered, shaking my head. It sounded as if I was babbling to myself while I struggled to form a proper sentence.

“Apologies if I’ve offended you. I could be entirely wrong.”

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