Page 171 of I Shouldn't Feel This Way

The most fragmented part of me kept whispering sinful temptation in my ear. I tried my best to ignore it, but at moments like the night before, I failed miserably to control myself. I had no idea how I was able to stop just in time. I wasn’t so sure aboutnexttime. Aria was so willing to give herself away to me on a silver platter. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to greedily accept. This desire I felt for her was so fucking strong. It grew more and more with each passing day. I had never felt this kind of attraction toward any other woman in my life, ever. I felt so mind-fucked. What if I’d had no idea that she was my daughter? Would I have still felt this way about her?

Yes.

A familiar voice answered the question for me. Seeing her with Evan had truly sparked my rage. He was lucky he made it out of my driveway in time. Otherwise, I would have pulled him out of his car and beaten him up.

You’re possessive of her, Noah. You turn into a territorial alpha male, guarding what’s rightfully yours. You feel threatened by Evan.

No, that couldn’t have been true. I wasn’t jealous of my kid brother. I was protective of Aria, but only in a healthy way. Fuck, who was I kidding? There was nothing healthy about our relationship at the moment.

Maybe you should light one up, man. I won’t tell Vanessa.The demon let out a sinister laugh as if he was mocking me.

It’s just a cigarette. Not like you’re snorting cocaine here …

I stopped what I was doing and leaned my weight into my palms, resting them on the edge of the hood. I could do this. I could fight temptation. I didn’t need a cigarette.

Right, that’s why the legendary ten deck is in your pocket.That sly voice taunted me. I walked over to the radio that I kept on my workbench, and switched it on.

“This next track is by A Perfect Circle, ‘Weak and Powerless.’ I’ll be taking requests within the next hour, so make sure to call in! You’re listening to Stevie B, live on 106.3 Rock Radio!”

I tried to distract myself and change the transmission fluid, but I still couldn’t drown out the endless rambling in my mind. So I washed my hands and grabbed the polish wheel to give the Corvette a nice new shine. My efforts were useless because I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing at all. Normally it relaxed me, but my head was one huge clusterfuck, and I couldn’t focus on anything except Aria.

I turned off the polishing wheel and pulled out my cigarettes. Upon opening the box, I reread the little inscription I had written inside, over and over. I was contemplating a crucial decision with potentially detrimental consequences. The last time I’d been dangerously tempted to smoke was in New York with Aria six months ago. We were at that hotel I was staying in, and I had got in a bad argument with Emily and her dirtbag husband on the phone earlier that night. If Aria hadn’t stepped out onto the balcony, I was certain I would have broken my promise.

Well, here I was, alone in my garage, and my daughter wasn’t around to stop me this time. Aria wouldn’t be here to save me from myself.

She shouldn’t have to. That’s not her job.The thought kind of depressed me as I took out a cigarette and smelled the nicotine. Fuck, I missed smoking so badly. It was a great stress relief for me. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to punish myself, destroy myself, or keep myself from having a full-fledged psychotic break. Maybe it was all of the above. I didn’t give a fuck anymore.

I lighted my cigarette and inhaled a deep puff into my lungs, feeling pleasurably satisfied. A year and a half of being smoke-free had gone out the window. So much for effort.

Celebrating my failure, I took another drag, tapping the excess ashes in a plastic cup on the table. I’d have to expunge the evidence later.

So … how do you feel now?

Just as fucked as before.

It’ll pass. Smoke away your sorrows, buddy.

I had resolutely labeled myself as crazy for having this conversation in my head, but I finished my smoke and made a silent pact with myself to lay off on the remaining cigarettes. I would have to buy another deck to replace the missing one so that Vanessa wouldn’t ever know the difference (if she checked). It would be as if I never smoked it in the first place.

Except you did. You know it, and I know it. Yep, we both know it.

I kicked the rear tire of my Corvette in a fit of frustration, clenching my fist before I put out my cigarette and lighted another.

Fuck this life. Fuck everyone. Fuck it all.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

At Long Last

It was almost eight o’clock when Evan finally arrived home. He was greeted by a furry full-bred Russian Blue.

“Hey, Binx! Come here, pal.” He crouched down to untie his boots, then reached out to pet his cat on the head. “Did you miss me?”

Binx began to purr and rolled on his back.

“I bet you’re hungry.” Evan strolled into the kitchen and filled Binx’s bowl with cat food before heading to the bathroom to shower and freshen up.

It had been another exhausting work day, and he was glad it was over with. Evan lived in a modern, three-bedroom loft downtown. He’d purchased the property as soon as he moved to LA. It looked like an abandoned old warehouse, but in a quick renovation, he’d managed to turn the place into a stylish bachelor pad. It had an open-concept design, with high ceilings and tall, wide windows. Some of the walls were red and brown brick, with a collection of contemporary abstract paintings mounted on one side in the living room. His leather sofa set was a dark espresso color, and all his furniture was custom-made manufactured out of industrial products.

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