Page 93 of Ghoul as a Cucumber

“I hate everything,” I grumble as I cling to the edge of the bed.

“You sound just like a poet,” Edward murmurs in his insouciant voice as he slouches over the chaise lounge. “Come back to bed and let’s write words on each other’s skin with our tongues for the rest of the day.”

“Sounds like a bloody good idea to me.”

“No.” Pax grabs me around the waist and deposits me on the ground before shoving me in the direction of the bathroom. “Now go.”

Bloody bossy Romans.

I emerge from the bathroom a few minutes later to discover Ambrose holding up an outfit for me. “You chose my clothes?”

“We look after you, remember? You didn’t look like you were going to do it yourself. I love the texture of this shirt,” he says, fingering the edge of a bell-sleeve blouse. He’s chosen to pair it with a set of tiny black shorts. It’s actually a pretty good combo.

“I chose those,” Pax says proudly as I pull on the shorts. “Lots of ass.”

“Thank you, Queer Eye for the Roman Guy. Are you coming out to the garden with us?” I ask Edward.

“To roll around in the vegetable patch?” He wrinkles his nose. “I think not. I shall perform my toilette so I look my best for the festival. All the ghosts in the village will be present, and they must see their prince in his finery.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to remind him that the only outfit hecanwear is the one he died in – a billowing silk shirt open to expose his chest, oversized codpiece, and breeches, with a shard of glass sticking permanently out of his backside. But that would be cruel.

And after what Edward did to me last night, I’m not going to be cruel.

I stumble downstairs to find Dad waiting in the kitchen, dressed in a pair of bright green overalls and red Wellingtons, his trusty spade in hand. “Your mother needs a few more minutes to get ready, so you can help me do the honours.”

“I am most honoured to slay the mighty cucumber,” Pax booms.

“Did you know that Pax has a real green thumb?” Dad says with a smile. “He’s been helping me do a little weeding in the garden.”

“I am good at pulling up the useless plants.” Pax thrusts his fist in the air. “Take that, weeds! I tear you from the earth so the pretty flowers may thrive.”

Dad leads us all out to the greenhouse, like a pied piper piping the children to their doom. “Here she is!” He throws open the door to reveal his freakishly large cucumber. “My pride and joy. What do you think about this beauty, Bree-bug? I call her the Lady-Killer, because the new organic spray I invented is working wonders on the ladybugs.”

“Wow…” My hand flies to my mouth. “That’s…it’s…um…”

Somehow, possibly as a result of my doses of resurrection magic, Dad’s large and slightly curved cucumber has grown a couple of knobbly bits on the end…so it looks like an enormous cock and balls.

I mean, I’m no prude, but this isridiculous.

“Isn’t she beautiful?”

“It is impressive in girth!” Pax booms.

Ambrose runs his fingers along the surface. “This is the largest cucumber I’ve ever known to exist!” he declares. “But why does it have these two knobbly bits on the end?”

“Oh, don’t mind those. I think they’re a side effect of the fertiliser I use. The judges say it doesn’t matter if a fruit is misshaped, as long as it’s impressive.”

Oops, it looks as if my magic has been a little lopsided.

The cucumber is indeed impressive. It’s impressive that my father has managed to grow a ridiculously large cucumber that looksexactlylike a dick and balls, and he seems to be completely oblivious.

I cannot believe we’re going into the village with that thing. Everyone is going to see it.

I flash to an image of Kelly and Leanne, and what they’re going to say.

But then I look across at Pax, who is beaming with pride as if he were the one who grew the cucumber, and Ambrose, who looks as if he’s doing everything in his power not to laugh, and I realise that I don’t give a shit about what Kelly and Leanne think. Dad is having a blast, and I’m going to enjoy today with him, because who knows how many days like this we have left?

Lovingly, Dad shows Pax how to cut the cucumber from the plant. Pax helps Dad manoeuvre the cucumber onto his bike trailer. I pick several smaller cucumbers from the other plants in the greenhouse, which I place in the bike’s basket to offer at the vegetable exchange Dani’s mum is running.

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