Page 50 of Versions Of Us

I’m the product of all of my mistakes and regrets. I’ve confirmed everything I’ve ever believed about myself to be true. That I’ll never be worthy of the love of a successful, intelligent woman like Kristen. That there’s nothing I could ever do to redeem myself. Nothing I could ever do to deserve her.

That hasn’t stopped me from sitting here on the couch, hopelessly spaced out, replaying our conversation at the river in my mind. I’ve contemplated every alternate scenario, imagined every parallel universe, tortured myself with the ‘what if’s and ‘if only’s.

I’d wanted to explain everything, but my lungs had begun to burn, my heart caught in my chest like a ticking time bomb, rendering me speechless the same way it always does. I can’t talk about that day. My mind won’t let me.

Mackenzie’s footsteps fall on the stairs to the loft and then she wanders into the apartment, her shoulders seemingly slumped in defeat as she shrugs off her cardigan and slings it over the back of one of the dining chairs. I track her as she walks to the kitchenette and silently pours herself a coffee from the percolator.

She gets like this sometimes. Stuck in her own head. And I know if I don’t drag her outside of herself, she’ll spiral into her own negativity.

I put my issues with Kristen on the backburner. They’ll have to wait until I sort whatever is going on with Mackenzie out.

“How’s the job hunting going?” I ask, my tone so cheerfully fake it’s a wonder she doesn’t call me on my bullshit right here and now.

She startles, as though she’s just realised I’ve been sitting here this whole time.

“Not great,” she says as she moves toward me.

She flops down on the couch next to me, almost spilling the giant mug of coffee she’s nursing. She pulls it to her lips and takes a long draw from it.

“I honestly don’t know how you drink that stuff,” I say to her, light-heartedly. “It’s fucking terrible.”

She narrows her eyes at me, a compelling death stare if I’ve ever seen one, but she remains quiet. Mackenzie has this tough girl vibe going for her. She’s a lot like Kristen in that way. She’s seemed happier since we left Coledale, as though a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

But not today.

Today she wears a frown, much like the one I’d seen when we met.

“What’s going on with you?” I drape my arm around the back of the couch, giving her shoulder a gentle nudge in the process.

“What do you mean?” She’s expressionless as she stares into the muddy brown liquid in the cup nestled in her lap.

“You’re chewing on your bottom lip. It’s a dead giveaway,” I say.

Kristen does that too.

She sighs and then looks up at the roof. Her phone vibrates from the arm of the couch, and she snaps it up instantly.

“Who is that?”

She doesn’t answer. She purses her lips and drops her gaze to the floor.

“It’s him. Isn’t it?” It’s not really a question. It’s obvious to me from her reaction who’s texting her. I’m sure now that it’s also the reason for the sullen mood she’s in. “Please tell me you haven’t replied.”

“Of course not.” The look she throws my way is one of offence. “I’m not a complete moron.”

“Let me see your phone.” I hold out my hand and she reluctantly slaps the phone into my palm.

I immediately drop it into her half full coffee mug. Some of the liquid splashes onto her lap, leaving tiny brown splotches.

“Are you kidding me?” she yells.

“It had to be done,” I say, my tone serious. “You know what could happen if he finds us.”

“I know. I get it, okay?” She sighs, running a hand through her long blonde waves. “But you owe me a new phone.”

I breathe a deep sigh. It was wrong of me to question Mackenzie’s judgement. Obviously, she knows the full extent of the situation we’ve found ourselves in and now I feel guilty for destroying her phone. I realise that a replacement is going to seriously cut into my savings, but I can’t stand to see her upset. Not after all she’s been through. Besides, she needs a way to contact me. I pull myself from the sofa and grab my keys from the small, round dining table.

“Where are you going?” she demands.

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