Page 40 of LOT 62

Nate and Xavi shouted somewhere in the distance, and a third male voice rang out as well, but Maddox’s rasping breaths became the focal point of my existence. He breathed.He’s still breathing.

“Maddox!” I shook him, crazed with desperation. “Maddox, get up!” I pushed him off me and onto the ground. “Madd!”

Blood pooled on his abdomen, and his breathing rattled. No.Nononononono.My hands went numb and my chest got tight, but I lifted his shirt in a focused daze of alert attention to nothing but him. His hands clutched at his gut, his skin glistening crimson.

“Maddox, please wake up!” I smacked him in the face. “Please!” I pressed my hands to the wound, trying to stop the blood from leaving his body. Trying to keep it inside. Trying to keep him alive. Trying not to die with him. “Maddox! Wake up! Wake up! Please! Someone!”

No. No. No. I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t be the cause of his death. I couldn’t fail him this fucking badly! I trembled, or maybe he did, but either way, my breathing stuttered as much as his did, and my hands pressed so hard to his wound that they probably sank into his skin.Don’t leave me, baby. Don’t leave.

“Where’s the bleeding coming from?” Seth, Madd’s dad, slid to the ground on his other side. “Move your hands so I can see. Devon, move your hands.”

My teeth chattered and drool mixed with tears. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t or he’ll die.” Panic gripped me, but grief won. “Maddox, please wake up. I can’t lose you! Please don’t die. Don’t leave because of me. Don’t go anywhere. Please. Please. Please. I love you. I need you.” I couldn’t look at his face. What if there was nothing there? I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t. I watched his blood seep through my fingers instead, trying to Tetris it all back into his body.

“Devon, you have to move your hands so I can see.” Seth pried my fingers away. “Hold his hand. Try to wake him up.”

I gripped his hand so hard I probably broke it. For whatever it was worth, I’d be his lifeline to this shitty life we made together, holding him because I refused to let him go. I refused to let him die protecting me. I refused to believe that he wouldn’t survive this. “Open your eyes, Madd. Please. Just wake up and look at me so I can tell you how right you were. You can tell me you told me so and you can beat the shit out of me for fucking up again. Please, just look at me with anger or something. Anything. Hate. I’ll take hate.”

Slobber bubbled from my begging lips, tears mixed in with snot, and the Molotov cocktail they made dripped my heartbreak onto his face. My body rid itself of all the things I wasn’t worthy of as Maddox’s body rid itself of the blood he deserved more than anything. I wasn’t worthy of my blood. That bullet had been meant for me. I should've been the one bleeding out on the ground.

“Ambulance is on the way.” Nate slid into my side. “Davis is knocked out and tied up. Fuck, Xavi!”

Xavi knelt at Madd’s head, gripping his cheeks and shaking him. I watched it all, wondering how so much pain could be present in one single moment. How we could even survive it. How one single bullet could cause it. I’d never prayed before, and I didn’t know how, but I offered my soul, my heart, my life, my servitude, and my submission to any demon or deity who would listen if they only kept Maddox alive.

“Come on, you bastard,” Xavi begged. “You’re Maddox Kane. One fucking bullet won’t take you out.”

I took him out. It was me. And now I’d fight for his life on behalf of him.

I pressed my ear to his chest, listening for signs of life as Seth worked to pack the bullet wound. I closed my eyes, hyperfocused on the sounds of the heart that loved me. I hoped, listened, prayed, and begged for a heartbeat.

Buh-dum.

“Oh my god! He has a heartbeat!” I wailed in relief. “Maddox, open your eyes. Look at me! Look at me, Madd.”

Maddox’s chest rose, and his eyes barely fluttered open. He coughed up blood and stared at me.

“Keep him calm,” Seth demanded.

“Madd.” I gripped his cheeks, getting right in his face. “I’m so sorry. You’re going to be alright. I love you.” I kissed his bloody lips without a shit to give because there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d not do it. I’d give him my air, my blood, and my tether to life if he asked for it—even if he didn’t ask for it.

His voice was weak, raspy, and strained when he said, “Love ‘uo. Told ‘uo so.”

A hysterical laugh wheezed out of me. “Fuck, you told me so. Stay with me so you can tell me that forever. Promise?”

He blinked, but he nodded just a little.

WithMaddoxunderthecare of a team of doctors and the adrenaline of my responsibility and shame making the shock wear off, I broke.I felt.

I felt guilt. Guilt for trying to do something I had no right doing. For ignoring his warnings to not be stupid. For lying to him and keeping secrets he obviously knew about anyway because he didn’t trust me enough not to check up on me.

I felt fear. Fear of losing him. Fear of losing him, even if he survived.Whenhe survived. The fear of missing out on the life we could have lived together if only I’d fucking listened to him. The fear of causing his family so much pain.

I felt weak. I was the weak link in all our lives. I felt ashamed of my weakness.

Dread mixed with shame and churned up regret. I regretted the whole thing. I’d never be able to take on my dad and I had too much pride to believe Maddox when he told me that. I didn’t have pride anymore. Didn’t have any dignity either. Didn’t have anything but hope that he’d get through this and determination to make it up to him forever. Todobetter. Tobebetter.

“This is your fucking fault, Devon!” Xavi screamed at me, shoving me from behind. “He wouldn’t be in there fighting for his life if you had listened to him!”

Stabbed. Everywhere, all at once.

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