Page 12 of LOT 62

“You know what, Devon? Fuck you. I sit around here every night waiting to see if you’ll come home in time to hang out, but you never fucking do! So excuse me for spending one night out with a few people so I didn’t have to sit here and feel sorry for myself.” He glared at me, but there was actual pain in his eyes, and it made me feel even worse. Had I seen this coming? Or worse, had I seen it coming and ignored it?

“I was worried about you!” It was my last chance at redemption.

“No, you weren’t. You were jealous. You were pissed because, for once, you had to be the one to sit here and wonder when I was coming home. Well, welcome to my fucking life, Devon.” He backed towards the door, and something cracked inside me. No.

“Maddox…”

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and looking completely defeated. “I love you, Devon. I love you with everything I have, but I need to go right now. I’m going to stay at my mom’s tonight—”

“No, Madd! Please!”

“—before I say something I regret,” he finished.

“Maddox, please. I’m sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry.” I followed him towards the door, desperate to keep him home, unable to watch him walk away. I couldn’t breathe.

“Don’t come after me. Give me a night, Devon. I love you.” He backed through the door, his green eyes on me, but full of sadness. The door closed in my face and my entire world imploded.

I crashed to my knees right there at the door. “I love you, Maddox,” I cried through my anguish.

I’d never hated myself more. I hated everything about myself. Pain shot through my knees, but it was nothing compared to the shattering of my heart at watching the man I loved walk out the door.

This was my fault. I drove him to do this because I couldn't shut my mouth and let him explain calmly. This was where it left me. Broken on the floor of our trailer on Lot 62, the place that was supposed to be our home, our fresh start. This was our dream.

But watching him walk out the door, leaving me behind with all that sadness in his eyes, well, I realizedhewas my only dream and I’d fucked it all up. I’d lost it. I lost him.

“No, no, no, no,” I cried, hyperventilating and panicking. “Maddox, please!” My body crumpled into a fetal position, my chest chock-full of pain and despair. There was pressure in my ribs and a tension in my head that hurt worse than the laboured breaths trying to come from my lungs. All my eyes saw was Maddox walking out on me.

I fucked up. I fucked up so many times, for so long, that I didn’t deserve all the chances he gave me. Maddox was the only thing I truly wanted, and I didn’t even show him that. I had it all. All of it. Everything I’d ever dreamed of, and I let it slip through my fingers because I was nothing more than a piece of shit asshole from Garron Park, doomed to the same fate as everyone else from here.

I inhaled carpet, crying on the floor. I was destined to become my dad. He pushed my mom away so hard that she broke. She turned to drugs and alcohol, fried her brain, and fucked her life as it was. Was I doing that to Maddox? Was I pushing him to a life he didn’t want to live? He was so much better than me, and he deserved so much more than who I’d been.

I cried on the floor for so long my eyes burned and my head ached, listening to my phone ring in my pocket. It wasn’t the ringtone for Maddox, so I ignored it, unable to pick it up. I ignored it for so long that the front door banged open and Nate ran in, picking me up off the floor.

“Fuck, Dev. Madd called me from his mom’s.” Nate picked me up by my armpits. “You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.”

I hyperventilated even harder. I wasn’t okay. I was broken, ashamed, and halfway to death. Even my lungs refused me air because they knew I wasn’t worth it.

“Breathe,” Nate demanded. “Fucking breathe!” He smacked me on the back, and a choked, forced, ragged rush of air rasped into my lungs and made me cough in a fit.

I choked up bile and started to sweat. “I’m hot. Too hot. I’m burning.”

“You’re okay,” Nate said, feeling my forehead. “You’re just hurting, man. Come on. Get up.” He stood, pouring me a glass of water from the kitchen.

I shook my head. “I can’t.” I didn’t have the energy to stand. I didn’t deserve to get back up.

“Yeah, you fucking can.” Nate pretty much dragged me to my feet, shoved me out the front door into the night air, and pushed me into a lawn chair on the front deck.

I sat there just breathing for a minute, trying to get myself under control. The night felt better against my skin, but I was still too damn hot. I ripped my shirt off and threw it on the lawn, thanking whatever fucking luck let us have a trailer with a private deck. Last thing I needed was the whole park seeing my breakdown.

I hung my head in shame because that was exactly what I deserved. Public humiliation. Nate lifted my chin and handed me the water and a pack of cigarettes. “Drink that and smoke these. Vent. Tell me what’s going on.” He sat down beside me.

“What’re you even doing here? It’s late as fuck.” I took a drink and lit a smoke.

“I was at Kaylee’s when Madd called, so I came here when you didn’t answer.”

“Well, go back to her. I’m not worth losing out on your hookup. I’m fine.”

“You’re worth everything, you stupid shit. What happened?” He took a smoke and lit one for himself.

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