Page 41 of Rough Heat

“Uh…good.”

“Good. Now, tell me a little about what prompted you to seek therapy now.”

Leo took a deep breath and tried to find a place to start.

***

December rolled to an end, the new year dawning on the other side. January was soggy and freezing cold, sludging into February, into March.

Spring bloomed, and before Leo knew what was happening, half a year had passed since he gave up sex work.

Therapy was once a week, going from something he dreaded, to something he was ambivalent about, to something he looked forward to so he could break down what had happened between sessions.

Work was the best part of his days by far. Lily and Sam were tough at times, and exhausting, but there was nothing to take home—no aftertaste, no lingering touches. Instead, he got to hang out with two great kids and interact with parents that made him feel like part of the family.

Things weren’t perfect. Far from it. Unearthing everything he’d buried in his subconscious was a struggle at the best of times, and there were a lot of things he felt he had to apologise to his sister for. The way he’d treated her and pushed her away, especially at the end, were things he deeply regretted.

She’d been looking out for him, and he hadn’t been ready to hear it.

The thing that stuck out to him the most as time passed, though, was the way he never stopped thinking about Josh and Damon. About the way Josh could light up a room, the way he would tilt towards Leo when he laughed, like he wanted to share it with him. And Damon, of course, the gentle way he would feed him during Josh’s heat, the calm, patient way about him.

The way he had said ‘mates’ like he meant it.

Leo could see, now, how Josh and Damon had invited him to have more than a professional relationship with them. He still wasn’t sure he was worth what they offered—all that love and all that safety—but he was starting to believe he could have had it. It was too late now but, still, Josh and Damon deserved more than the way Leo had left them, and it was his responsibility to fix that.

***

Technically, Leo still had Josh and Damon’s number. He could text or call if he was feeling particularly brave, but the thought of turning his work phone on made his stomach clench into a tight little ball. He’d have to ignore all the messages that came in, all the missed calls, and he just—

He didn’t want to do it.

And maybe even that was an excuse, because the concept of sending Josh and Damon a message and just waiting for something back was…inconceivable. He wanted to see their faces, wanted to see what their eyes did the first time they saw him. If they would be indifferent or shocked or happy or disgusted or—

He breathed through the spiral. ‘No point borrowing trouble from tomorrow’ was a favourite saying of his therapist, and he’d tried to adopt it as much as he could.

Nothing bad had happened yet and, sure, something bad could happen, but anything could happen—he’d reserve his reaction until then.

In the end, the stupid idea he came up with was to show up at the farmers’ market by Josh and Damon’s apartment and see if they just bumped into each other. Leo didn’t have any illusions to how completely obvious his intentions for being there would be, but it was a lot less creepy than just showing up at their front door.

Or so he hoped.

Leo had always loved this time of spring in Brooklyn, when it was deep enough in June that it was almost summer, the heat ramping up, music everywhere on the streets. He would pass by neighbourhoods smelling like barbecue, the parks bursting with people and noise.

The Greenpoint Market was no different, lively in a way only the warmth brought out. Leo’s heart was pounding in his chest, eyes darting around, anxious that Josh and Damon would appear from the crowd…or that they wouldn’t be there at all.

He tried to sink into the flow of people, examining the vegetables and jars of organic honey and lard. There was a stand with smoked meats and he grabbed a sample, mouth bursting with the flavour.

By all means, this dumb little plan shouldn’t have worked. Sure, he knew that Josh and Damon went to that market on Saturdays when the weather was good, but that had been months and months ago, in what felt like another life entirely. He could have missed his window of opportunity that day, or maybe they’d stopped going to that market, or—

But there they were. Leo smelt them before he saw them even in the mixture of other people, the still-familiar scent of the two of them all twisted together. It was a shock to the system, an electrical current through his memories, lighting up things he’d left limp and dormant at the back of his mind.

He turned his head and saw them there, staring right back at him. They seemed…caught completely off guard, really. Eyes wide, Josh’s mouth hanging open, Damon’s cheeks flushed. And they looked good—Josh had filled out, his thin T-shirt showing off some muscle and padding, thick thighs peeking out of shorts.

And Damon…well, Damon looked the same as always, his wide, tall frame looming over other people.

It made Leo feel self-conscious. He’d cut his hair recently, a few blond strands hanging over his forehead, and he thought he looked healthier than he’d been months ago, but he couldn’t really compare to the picture Josh and Damon made.

But maybe a comparison wasn’t needed at all.

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