Page 114 of The Grand Rise

It kills me to look at her, physically hurts my chest to hold her skin to skin.

And that’s why I can’t tell Nina, why I let her climb into bed every night and hold me while I cry myself to sleep, why I let her get up in the night to feed our baby. Because telling her out loud that I can’t do this only confirms what a monster I am.

I’m a coward for so many reasons, but choosing not to love our baby, mourning her before ever giving her a chance in that hospital, that’s what damns me to the world.

I’m a monster and a coward, and I’m scared because if I fall for this little life in my hands, if I love her and lose her, I won’t survive it.

I hate myself for it.

Scarlet.

My tears seep through the paper, making the ink bleed and run down the page. I snap my eyes up to where Scarlet and Waverley sleep opposite me, so at peace. Their love is pliable, there’s no doubt in my mind about the kind of mother Scarlet is to our girl. It’s a bond that could never be written.

To think she ever doubted it herself…

Only confirms the monster I am.

I stand from my seat, leaving my crutch, and sweep my hands under her body, lifting her into my arms. Waverley stirs, her eyes cracking open before lazily falling closed again.

“Lance?” Scarlet rasps, as I carry her to the back of the plane where a bedroom is located.

“Vinny, could we get a minute?” I ask, and he rises from the desk, collecting his jacket from the bed and slipping from the small room.

“Lance,” Scarlet tries again. “Your leg.”

Keeping her close, I gently lower her to the ground.

“You’re crying,” she notes.

I swipe at my face, my chest feeling like it’s cracking in two. “Tell me you don’t believe a single word on these pages.”

She frowns, her delicate face screwing up as she sees the letters I hold in my fist. “Ave’s birth,” she says. “I’m sorry. I don’t fully remember the words I wrote, Lance. You had me at my most raw once I knew you weren’t reading them.”

“Scar,” I whisper, my throat catching. “Baby.”

She shakes her head, eyes filling fast. “Don’t feel sorry for me.” A tear escapes, the next one falling almost instantly. “What Ave went through was so much worse.”

“You don’t have to be brave for me,” I promise, wiping the tears away. “You givemethat. No matter how much it scares you to say it out loud.”

She nods, looking up at me with so much vulnerability in her gaze. She’s on the cusp of breaking, her chin trembling.

“You’re not a monster, Scar—”

“Lance—”

“You’ve never been a monster.”

I take her weight when her head drops, and she sags forward, her sob muffled as it seeps into my chest.

And I know that it’ll leave a mark. Maybe not one you can see, but it will be mine and not hers anymore. I’ll carry it for her.

“You’re not a monster,” I say again. “I’m so proud of you. Of who you were then and who you are now. I’ve never been prouder of anything or anyone than I am stood here right now with you.”

She fists my T-shirt, and I sink to the ground with her in my arms, my own tears falling with hers.

“Tell me you don’t believe those words,” I beg.

She sinks further into my chest.

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