Page 44 of Didn't See That Coming

I stare at him dumbly until he widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows, clearly expecting an answer. And somehow, I manage a small nod.

“Good. Now you can go.”

It feels as though my feet aren’t mine. They barely understand the messages that my brain is sending them. It takes a while for them to get it, then they start marching, and before I know it, I’m out of the office and blinking in a dazed way at my surroundings.

“Hey, how did it go?”

Liam stands and walks toward me. Seeing him makes the vice around my chest release its painful grip. I feel as though I can finally breathe once more. Still, I don’t trust myself to talk just yet. If I did, I’m sure my voice would crack and the tears would start flowing, and that would be that. So I just shrug and walk out of the admin office.

In the hallway, I release some of my frustration in a long, heavy sigh.

“Wow, that bad, huh?”

“He threatened to expel me.” My voice comes out leaden, dropping out of my mouth lifelessly.

“What?!” Liam moves closer and leans forward so he can look at my downturned face.

“Yeah, he said I was behaving ‘inappropriately’—” My voice does crack, so I quickly stop talking.

“Wow. That’s such BS. I can’t believe it. Or, rather, I canbelieve it, because what the hell else is new? I don’t know why I expected better.” He shakes his head, then his eyes turn tender. “You okay?”

I shrug. “It is what it is.”

“No, don’t say that. You shouldn’t have to accept this. I’ll go and talk to him. I’ll explain what’s been going on.”

“No way.” I turn away so I don’t have to look at Liam. Somehow, the earnest look on his handsome face is grating on me right now. “No. I don’t want you to do that.”

“But I could tell him everything, about how Jonas has been bullying you and basically steamrolls over everyone during group discussions.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’ll just—I don’t know—he’ll shift the blame onto me somehow. Or maybe he’ll expel both of us. What’s that gonna achieve? Jonas is untouchable. He’s too well loved, and what with his parents owning an entire media conglomerate…forget it.” I can’t remember the last time I felt so defeated. So exhausted. And as I slump down the hallway back toward my classroom, it hits me that I don’t just feel tired, I feel really freaking stupid too. Because I’ve watched so many Netflix shows where the schools are progressive and the counselors and teachers and principals are receptive to the students’ needs, and I’ve been in a school like that, and so I thought—stupidly—that most schools are like that. And now, here at Xingfa, one of the biggest, most sought-after, prestigious schools in the country, I’m realizing that things haven’t really changed that much. The patriarchy is very far from being smashed. In fact, maybe they’re even a little bit worse,because we pretend that the patriarchy is done and we’re in a society with gender equality, so we can’t even fight it because the fight’s over.

How do I fight something that’s already playing dead but is still very much alive behind closed doors?

By the time recess rolls around, I’m still in a crappy mood. I tell Liam I’m having period cramps, because I’m done pandering to guys and have run out of fucks to give. To his credit, he doesn’t cringe or look like he’s searching for the nearest exit. In fact, he says, “That sounds shitty. Do you want me to pop down to the nurse’s office to get you some paracetamol?”

His kindness is like a knife that’s being stabbed into my belly over and over again. It’s all too much. Principal Lin threatening to expel me, Liam being the absolute nicest person about it, and meanwhile, there’s me, lying to his face, pretending online to be someone I’m not. I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak, and go to the bathroom.

I splash some water on my face and am drying my cheeks with a tissue when someone clears her throat. I turn to see two girls behind me, Peishan and another of our classmates, named Zoelle. Uh-oh. My mind immediately spits out a warning based on the countless mean-girl situations that have dominated teen movies since the eighties. Is this where I find out what being dunked headfirst into the toilet is like? At the very least, the toilets at Xingfa are sparkling clean, like an adfor toilet bleach or something. Still, I don’t really want to be dunked into one. I straighten up, planting my feet firmly and preparing to—I don’t know—fight or take flight?

“Hey, Kiki,” Peishan says, and something about it makes the tight knots in my shoulders release, just a little.

“Hey,” I say, still somewhat wary.

Peishan and Zoelle glance at each other. “We heard that you were called to the principal’s office,” Zoelle says.

My breath releases in an angrywhoosh.“Yeah, I get it. I’m an embarrassment to your precious school’s reputation—”

“No!” Peishan cries. “Sorry. No, I mean—we’re angry about it. At the principal, I mean. Not angry at you.”

The rest of what I was about to say dissipates. “Really?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The past few weeks play across my mind. I recall how my classmates are so studious, so respectful, and so, so obedient. I shake my head. “No, that can’t be right. I didn’t earn the nickname ‘Crazy Kiki’ because people here like it when I stand up for myself.”

Peishan winces and wrings her hands. “Yeah, I—we’re really sorry about that. It’s just—” She sighs. “Zoey and I have been here since Year One. That’s, like, over ten years of strict Xingfa education.”

Zoelle does a grimace-smile. “And the entire time, we’ve been taught the same things over and over: Protect the school’s image. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t ask questions. Never talk back to your elders.”

Listening to them is depressing as hell, and I still don’t get why they’re telling me this.

“Then you came,” Zoelle says. “And you were, like, ‘Whyare things this way? Why this? Why that?’ And…we relate to that. To your anger, I mean.”

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