Page 86 of Buying Time

I stopped trying to hide from it, stopped trying to pretend to be okay, and let them see the depth and breadth of that agony. The tears I’d kept in, the ones I’d ignored, they spilled down my cheeks. Each one was another night that I’d spent alone, another doubt, another desire that I was dead instead of those I cared about.

“So fuck you all! What, do you think you’ll die, and I’ll just forget? That I’ll move on like none of this ever happened? You already know that I love you, even if you try to ignore that or pretend like I don’t know what I’m talking about, but that doesn’t change it at all. Do you have any idea how much I’d suffer if I lost you all? Especially if it’s just because you didn’t think sticking around for me was worth it?” I shook, the anger mixing with the pain until I felt like a bomb with a short fuse.

“Kenz,” Vance said softly, but I knew his tone. It was an apology, but not for what he planned to do. He was trying to comfort me, not offering to change his view. A glance at each of them showed the same resolve.

“So I’m not enough to even make you want to live, huh?” I laughed through the tears that ran down my cheeks. “I’ve spent my life not being good enough, losing those around me, and here I am going through it all again. So you know what? Fuck you all. How dare you sit there and talk about how you care about me, how you want the best for me, when you won’t think for even a moment about what that would do to me?” I couldn’t stand there anymore, couldn’t listen to them, refused to evenhearwhat they wanted to say about it anymore.

I turned away, but Hayden’s sharp voice stopped me. “I know you’re angry, but you can’t leave—it isn’t safe.”

“So now you care about me, huh? Don’t worry, I’m not leaving. I’m just going to the backyard because I can’t stand the idea of even looking at any of you right now.”

With that, I walked out, unable to stop the tears that ran down my face.

Chapter Seventeen

Kenz

My eyes ached from the tears I’d cried the night before. I’d fallen asleep outside, against the raised flowerbed, but I’d woken in my bed.

I had no idea who had brought me back in and I honestly lacked the energy to wonder about it. Breakfast had been made by the time I’d woken, but no one had spoken to me.

They’d stayed around me, as if giving me the opportunity to speak if I wanted to, but they hadn’t pressed the issue. It told me what I’d already known. Even that night hadn’t changed a damn thing. All the tears I’d cried, the pain I’d shown them, it hadn’t changed their minds.

After breakfast, Hayden had taken me to school. It wasn’t for a class, but I needed to work, and I couldn’t bring myself to do so in the house. That house had felt so safe before, like my own little oasis, but it didn’t seem the same way anymore.

Now, it felt stifling, like living in a mausoleum before the bodies were brought there. Each time I looked at the men, I saw walking corpses, and I hated it.

I worked in one of the small rooms of the library, and at least Hayden had left me be. He sat outside in the main library, and I could feel his gaze through the window as he watched over me. Still, I worked at the piece, the painting of me in the wedding dress, putting in the details. One of the things about art that had surprised me was just how long it took to really finish a piece. The start came together quickly, the rough sketch, the basic colors, but the shading and details took hours of painstaking work. This one alone would take days and days more.

My phone vibrated, so I set down the paintbrush and sighed at the name.

“You don’t normally call during the day,” I said.

“I heard about what happened yesterday and wanted to check in,” Lorien said, his voice holding a strange sense of anxiety. It was one of the times when I remembered that as terrible as he was, he did have some strange obsession with me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I assured him, even if I didn’t feel like it.A bandage on my arm had fixed the graze, and I hardly noticed it as of today.

“You don’t sound fine.”

I sat in a chair in the room, sighing softly. “I hate this feeling of being trapped.”

“Everyone is trapped. Our names, our families, our future—the whole world traps us. I didnotsend those men to attack you, though. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know. They were mad that you hadn’t paid them for their last failed attempt.”

He was silent for a moment, one that made my anxiety increase. It was one of those times when I was forced to remember that this man was dangerous, that he was a killer. “I see. I wasn’t sure what exactly had happened. I received word a few minutes ago from the next in line in that group who called to apologize about the incident. They had few details, only knowing that they had left to find you. I wanted to call to ensure you were truly safe. It seems this was my fault, then, even if I hadn’t directly sent them.”

“People are jerks sometimes. You can’t help that.” My gaze sought Hayden at that comment, finding him with his eyes locked on me through the glass.

Yeah, you’re the jerk I mean right now.

I sighed and shook my head. “It’s fine, really. I’m not hurt.”

“And your saviors?”

“Sorry to say, not hurt, either.”

“I’m not that sorry about that.”

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