Page 18 of 2 Books in One Bundle

‘What is there to admire about vulnerability and exposure and losing control?’

Mia didn’t know quite how to respond to that. She’d never thought of it in those terms. Who would?

‘That’s quite an indictment,’ she said after a moment, as taken aback by his cynical view on the subject as she was intrigued. ‘Are you speaking from experience?’

‘It’s merely an observation,’ he said, interestingly avoiding the question as he deftly cut the tart into eighths.

‘In that case, love could just as easily be joy and contentment and finding strength and support in sharing the highs as well as the lows.’

‘Only if you believe in fairy tales.’

‘I do.’

‘Why?’

‘Because my mother’s illness made life really hard and love got lost amongst all the fear and resentment and worry and confusion,’ she said, deciding to pause her embargo on the disclosure of personal information in order to get her point across once and for all. ‘At times, her cruelty and her dependency made me hate her, which I still feel sickeningly guilty about even though I know that none of what happened was anyone’s fault. But the trauma of those five years means that now I crave love. I want to find my soulmate, someone to share my life with, to not feel lonely any more. Even more than I want success and financial security, in fact. And that’s why I won’t marry you simply for the sake of our child.’

‘You’re putting your needs first.’

She nodded. ‘I am.’ And there was nothing wrong with that.

‘Finding your soulmate will be hard once the baby comes along and you’re parenting with me,’ he observed. ‘We’re going to be in each other’s lives for years.’

‘I know,’ she agreed with a flurry of emotion that seemed to be an odd concoction of excitement, panic, exhilaration and terror. ‘I realise that the obstacles littering my path to a happy ending are significant. But other people manage it and I refuse to give up hope.’

‘You’ll eventually come round to my way of thinking.’

‘I won’t.’

Zander waved aside Mia’s offer of help with the clearing up and merely nodded when she coolly thanked him for supper, claimed exhaustion and bade him goodnight.

Having sent the dishes back downstairs, he poured himself a drink and took it into his study with the intention of catching up on work. After half an hour, however, he had to admit defeat because all he could think about was the meal they’d just shared and the complete and utter failure of his plan to consider her nothing more than a business acquaintance.

Firstly, he couldn’t fathom ever understanding anyone who had such a delusional attitude to romantic relationships. He got why Mia might think she wanted one after the childhood experiences she’d had, and it was clear she found his opinion on the subject incomprehensible, but couldn’t she see how risky it was to indulge emotion and potentially wind up exposed to immense torment and pain? How could she be so naïve? So trusting in something so fickle? It was a mystery, and she was a fool.

Secondly, it had become apparent as soon as they’d started talking that his interest in her was anything but casual. In response to the revelations about her upbringing he’d been gripped with the desire to know more. Shockingly, he’d felt a certain kinship with her on account of sharing the experience of having parents who were—or had been—physically or emotionally absent and feeling bewilderingly isolated despite existing in the company of others.

His curiosity did not need indulging, he’d had to remind himself sternly when it had been on the tip of his tongue to point the similarities out. There was no need whatsoever to compare and contrast the ways in which they’d grown up or to wish things could have been easier for her. Neither how she still felt about it nor her loneliness was any of his concern.

Developing that sort of a connection was not what was required here, which was a relief because his experience with Valentina had proved that, for some reason he’d never been able to work out, he had zero ability to maintain such a thing anyway.

All thatwasrequired was a practical relationship based on the needs of their child, as he’d mentioned once he’d finally got a grip on the appalling, petrifying urge to share with her some stories of his own.

There was no earthly reason to confess that the reason he was so disciplined about food and exercise was because as a kid he’d eaten anything he could lay his hands on, which had had an inevitable effect, until he’d figured that a better, healthier way of dealing with his parents’ lack of interest in him was to simply shut himself off from anything that hurt so nothing could ever bother him again.

Mia did not need to know that whenhewas twelve he’d spent most of his time trying to find out where his mother was, failing to comprehend why his father preferred to spend more time with his older brother than him and attempting to understand his siblings.

Perhaps it had been callous of him to bring marriage up so soon after she’d revealed so much that was so personal. Judging by the way she’d cooled in response, she’d certainly thought so. But the alternative—caving in to temptation and allowing her a glimpse into the emptiness of his soul—was infinitely worse.

Finally, and most worryingly, it had become increasingly obvious over the past couple of hours that although Mia could not be the object of his desire, given that he’d already slept with her, she still was.

Sitting across the table from her had been torture. Keeping his mind out of the gutter and his hands to himself had proved far harder than he’d envisaged. His attention had been repeatedly drawn to her mouth, which had conjured up uncomfortable memories of other things she could do with it. If he hadn’t suddenly recalled his plan to engage in small talk and asked her if she wanted a drink, he might well have acted on the insistent desire drumming through him and carted her off to bed.

None of these discoveries were good, he thought darkly as he poured himself another generous measure of Metaxa. His rampant curiosity about her, the unexpected fragility of his guard, even his bizarre enjoyment of her defiance, were concerning. His one-night-only rule felt unacceptably under threat. The usual louche detachment with which he liked to approach life was deserting him.

So what was he going to do about it?

Despite his original intention to keep a very close eye on her, it seemed wise to temporarily put some distance between them until he’d got used to the situation and had his continuing desire for her under control.

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