Page 3 of If He Wanted To, He Wood

“I’m so sorry, baby. You don’t deserve any of his bullshit. You know the line about the weekends is bullshit right? If he wanted to, he would. You did everything. You are special because you light up for the holidays, and that sort of magical glee is rare,” she tells me.

Liz walks to the door when there is a knock, and she pulls in the groceries and starts putting them away.

“I think it’ll just take time. I'll start fresh in the new year.”

“No, you won’t change for him. Stick to your routine but focus on your own needs. I swear by the saying ‘get over someone by getting under someone else’, and you can really use it as a remedy,” she mutters.

I roll my eyes. My sex life with Edward was so plain, I can’t imagine running out to try again.

“Eddie wasn’t it in the bedroom, was he, babe?” she asks.

“Maybe it was me? I felt like it was more effort than what it was worth.”

“Darling, answer me this. Did he ever make you come? See stars? Scream into the pillow because your mind was going to explode?” she questions me, one eyebrow raised.

“Not really. I don’t think I know what you’re talking about.”

“That’s bullshit, but it’s a good thing. You won’t be attached to the loss of toxic dick, because that’s the worst. You will have an upgrade no matter how soon you decide to move on,” she says.

I feel naïve and wonder what else I don’t know about.

“What is toxic dick?” I mumble, biting my lip.

“It’s when the dick is so good, but it’s attached to a toxic piece of shit. Thankfully, you won’t have any problems with that.”

We spend the rest of the day together, and after going to bed early, I feel a lot better in the morning.

“You aren’t dicking around and losing your favourite holiday over a heartbreak. I won’t let you.” Liz tells me.

A couple weeks have passed and we’re nearing December first, and I usually would already have my apartment decorated, and a tree bought. I’ve been much cheerier lately, but I just can’t bring myself to decorate for only me.

“I don’t think it matters this year. Remember, new year- new me.” I tell her and she rolls her eyes so hard, I can almost hear her eyeballs.

“No! Absolutely the fuck not! I’m working this weekend, but we can go to the tree lot when I finish at the mall,” she demands.

The next afternoon at work, a huge snowfall has hit and it pleases the residents with a pretty landscape view. I spend the day making crafts, singing songs, and having hot cocoa with the residents.

I had planned to do nothing after work, but as I pull into the driveway, I’ve had nothing but time to think. Edward doesn’t deserve to take my Christmas from me. I hop out of the truck and go to my storage area. I pull all my decorations out, putting up lights and making space for a tree. I’m satisfied with how it all looks, and I’ll go to the tree lot tomorrow.

I put on my favourite cozy pajamas and get to bed early, so I can tackle the tree decorating tomorrow.

The chill inside the house wakes me up, reminding me I have to put plastic on the windows.

Edward was going to do it for me, but obviously he was too busy banging other people. I’m reminded of Liz’s phrase ‘if he wanted to, he would.’ If I apply the saying to our relationship, it makes me sad how much time and effort I wasted on a mediocre man.

I pull on a stretchy pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie, wrapping a scarf around my neck. I grab my coat and head out to warm up the truck. I drive to the best lot in town, and after I find a spot to park, I quickly guzzle the rest of my coffee. I can do this, I can get my own damn tree.

The tree lot isn’t too busy today, I guess most people come in mid-December. Getting out of the truck, I stroll towards the front gate. They have a selfie station this year and I smile as I walk by. Noticing all the precut trees, I can’t decide which one would work best in my living room. As I walk through the maze of trees, I enjoy the smell of pine and the Christmas music playing on the loudspeaker.

Four

Ash

Within the last few days things have been busy in the Christmas tree lot. They have been setting up and promoting the best pre-cut trees near the front. Nathan’s strategy this year is to promote the new technology features at the front to draw a bigger crowd. Which to me sounds stupid. You come here for a tree. He’ll always try new things, though.

Bruce, Forrest, and I feel the same, but we're limited in our actions. Waiting for the perfect time and the perfect woman. They believe perfection takes time, whereas I reckon the day will never come. Losing hope is easy to do when you’ve waited this long.

A family of five gets lost in the forest and stumbles over logs and foliage. I have a full unobstructed view of the lot, and I watch them as they find their way back and eventually pick one of the large precut pines.

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