Page 30 of Unforgettable

When all else failed, Hailey used Vaseline. “The doctor told me that it’s a good lubrication.”

“TMI, Hailey, TMI,” I said as I watched her method for applying it. If he didn’t shit soon, I would have to do this all on my own tomorrow.

“How is it TMI?” I could hear the roll of her eyes. “You SEALs talk about much more graphic stuff than this.”

She had me there. “I get the gist.”

“Whatever.”

“I just prefer not to have the word lubrication in a sentence regarding my son, is all.”

She snorted. “I never knew you were such a prude.”

“When it comes to my kid, yeah, I guess I am.”

She grinned at me as she finished up. “Stimulating the anus—”

“Oh, my God. Would you stop?”

She rolled with laughter until her eyes were wet with tears. She fixed Hudson’s clothes and handed him to me. “If you only knew what I’ve been through with him.”

I held up my hands in surrender. “I’ll take your word for it.”

“I’ve got two words for you.” She held up her fingers. “Explosive diarrhea.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I said, turning away from her in hopes I could forget what she just said.

Two hours later, shit really hit the fan. “I can’t believe how much crap can come out of one person! Oh, my God! Hailey! Make it stop!”

If our situation wasn’t so gross, I’m sure we would have been laughing. Instead, both of us were grunting, groaning, and doing everything we could not to hurl our lunch all over our son’s bedroom floor.

Hailey turned and high-tailed it out of the room. “Don’t you leave me alone in here with all of this!” I screamed after her. “Come back here! Hailey!” I looked down at Hudson, who was crying. “I’m sorry, buddy. I know this isn’t fun for you either.” I felt awful. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do for him. After Hudson launched a stream of crap a foot and a half out of him, we cleaned up as best we could. But then he scrunched his little face, and Hailey’s only word was, “Uh-oh.” We kept placing new diapers under his clean hiney, only for him to start up all over again.

When Hailey returned, she was a frazzled mess. She tossed an old towel at me. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Shove it under him and pray that this madness ends soon.” I did as she instructed and turned to her with a proud grin. Hailey shook her head and fixed my poor attempt to diaper my own kid with an old towel. “If you don’t secure it like this, he’ll blow right through it.”

She met my eyes, and both of us roared with laughter. I mimed Hudson blowing through that towel like an exploding rocket. When we finally caught our breath, I asked, “I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. Did you accidentally feed him jet fuel or something?” She tried to cover her laughter but couldn’t. We started laughing again. Luckily, our laughter was infectious. We heard a tiny giggle from Hudson.

We stayed put in his room and hoped we had seen the worst.

We hadn’t.

But thankfully, there was only one last extreme attack.

Satisfied that Hudson didn’t have another one for over an hour, we bathed, clothed, and consoled our baby boy. Hailey headed to the kitchen while I cleaned up. She was baffled that I was willing to clean everything up myself. But I told her, “Not only do I owe you, but I’m happy to do it. I missed out on so much. What’s a little poo?”

She laughed, saying, “Little?”

I chucked the old towel into the diaper bin, double-bagged the garbage, and took it out to the bin outside. I shuddered with disgust as I let it go. I already loved my son more than anything, but that was a pretty rancid experience. Still, I was glad to be a part of anything . . . of everything.

When I walked into his room and saw him looking up at my pictures hanging from the mobile, my heart melted. “Hi, buddy. How you feeling? Is your tummy all better?” He watched me with expectant eyes. He looked back at the pictures, then back at me again. I felt like I could read his mind. He was wondering how I was everywhere all at once. “I love you, Hudson.”

He smiled and giggled. He looked at the pictures, then back at me before cocking his head in wonder. He lifted his little hand toward me. “Dada.”

“Oh, my God.”

“Dada,” he repeated in the most precious voice.

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