Page 29 of The Naughty List

They both take turns asking questions. I tell them about how things ended with Chad, that I didn’t want to ask them for financial help because I want to pave my own path. I also apologize to them for lying about Damon and not speaking up sooner. My dad half-jokingly threatens to drive over to Chad’s house and “handle” him, whatever that means.

“Kate,” my mom says, pausing at my door. “I know that it was fake and I know you two have a very rocky history, but that man down there loves you; whether you want to hear it or admit it, he loves you.”

15

DAMON

The drive home is mostly silent, only quiet nods when I ask if she wants to stop at Starbucks or needs to use the restroom. She spends the time either staring out the window, sleeping, or pretending to sleep. There are so many things I want to say to her but I know now isn’t the time. What I really want to know is if any of it was real for her.

She glances at her phone. We left pretty early from her parents’ house and with it only being a three-hour drive, we still have most of the afternoon and evening left.

“Can you drop me at the tow yard?” she asks.

“Oh.” What I had hoped would end up being a grand romantic gesture had things not turned sour this week now seems like it’s going to go over like a lead balloon. “I, uh— I called and had your car towed last week actually.” Out of the corner of my eye I see her head snap in my direction.

“Towed to where?”

“My buddy, Teller, his brother-in-law owns a garage. He said he could get it in and fixed for you, and then he dropped it off at your apartment. The keys are with your office.” I grip the steering wheel, fully expecting for this to be the final straw and her to rip my head off. After her confession to me and her parents about wanting to do things on her own, I can see how this would seem like a patronizing and undermining move on my part, but that wasn’t my intention at all. I’m fully prepared to whip that speech out in my defense.

“Oh, thank you.” She glances down, fiddling with the seat belt across her lap. “I appreciate it. I’ll pay you back. Just send me the bill.”

I just nod in the affirmative. Now is not the time for me to stand my ground and insist that she doesn’t need to pay me back.

“It was my fault you ended up in the mess you did with it all so it was the least I could do. Again, I’m sorry about that whole thing and how I handled it.” This time she nods and then leans back in her seat to stare out the window for the last thirty minutes of the trip.

When I pull up to Kate’s building, I unlatch my seat belt and go to reach for the door handle.

“It’s okay, I got it,” she says, reaching behind to grab her bag. It’s silent between us as she hesitates, her hand on the handle. It feels like the air has been sucked from my lungs. I want so badly to reach out and grab her, to pull her to me and tell her these last several days have been the best of my life and that I never want to let her go. I want to tell her that she’s beautiful and amazing and dynamic and I know without a doubt that I’m in love with her.

“Thanks for the ride home and the car. I’ll see you at work.” She gives me a tight-lipped smile before hopping out of the car and hurrying into her building, not turning back.

* * *

Every minute of every day of the last three days have been torture. The air is tense between Kate and me. I’ve gone out of my way to give her space, hoping that each new morning pissy, snippy Kate will show up to work, ready to rip my head off. I’d give anything to have that version of Kate right now instead of the quiet, sullen version. The sadness in her eyes is killing me. Even her walk is sad.

“So, got any fun weekend plans?” I ask her, trying to break the ice as she places a stack of files on my desk.

“No, no plans.” She clasps her hands together in front of her, her face void of any emotion.

“What about New Year’s?” I ask and she shakes her head no with a slight shoulder shrug. I glance past her; the hallway behind her is empty. It’s after five so most people have gone home for the evening. I can’t take this anymore; I have to do something. “Kate, can you close the door for a moment?”

She stares at me for a brief second, blinking before walking over and shutting the door. I gesture to the chairs in front of my desk and she takes a seat. I stand and begin to pace nervously.

“I know this is unprofessional to do at work, but I feel like I have no choice. I can’t stand this”—I gesture with my hands as I try to find the right word—“heaviness between us. I fucked up royally and I know that, Kate. It kills me to know how bad I hurt you and disappointed you and your family.”

I walk over to her, crouching down in front of her as I grab her hands in mine.

“If I could take it all back I would, in an instant. I shouldn’t have pretended to be something I’m not to you. I shouldn’t have lied to your family, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have given you your grandmother’s ring like that. You have every right to hate me and be mad at me and I don’t blame you. I just want you to know how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you.” I shake my head; I’m so ashamed.

I feel Kate’s hands stir beneath mine as she wraps hers around mine. I look up to meet her gaze and I see a sympathetic glint in her eyes.

“I’m not mad at you, Damon,” she says in a hushed tone. “I mean, I was. I was really pissed, but I understand that you were trying to help, even if it was in a really fucked-up way.” She laughs a little and it makes my heart flutter.

“I’m mad at myself more than anything but truthfully I’m just feeling sad for myself. I’m sad that I gave so much time to Chad, even after the breakup. I hate that I didn’t stand up for myself; you were right about that. My parents felt awful and apologized. I even spoke to Oliver and explained things to him. They were all so understanding and I wasted so much time being too scared to speak up. So thank you for pushing me to grow a backbone.”

I squeeze her hands in mine as I stand up. I’m about to tell her more, that I want more, that I want her, but she stands up and walks to the door. “And don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll go back to hating each other and hurling insults in no time.” I watch as she walks out the door and down the hallway.

I sit back at my desk, contemplating my feelings. I want to tell her how I feel but I also want to tell her about my family. I grab a piece of paper from the printer and a pen and start writing.

---