Page 89 of Live To Tell

“Upfront and honest when you choose to be.” Leif looks down. “Does Rowan know how you feel about him? Have you told him?”

I blink. “Considering our level of physical intimacy, yes.”

“Rowan doesn’t have to guess what you’re thinking? Attempt to read little signs and hope he doesn’t have them wrong?” he continues.

My eyes go wide at the familiarity of the situation. Once-over, Rowan did need to guess, until the day he refused to any longer. “Do my actions not tell you how I feel, Leif?”

“Well, yeah, today definitely did.” He laughs to himself. “But before? No. You talk about rejection, but I can’t even get close enough for rejection. You’re unreadable.”

“You want verbal reassurance that I have deep enough feelings for you to justify the position I’ve put you in?”

“Violet. I just want you to be straight with me. Drop the winding, confusing sentences and tell me.” When I don’t respond, Leif cups my cheek and tips my face. “Sometimes I feel like an idiot chasing something I’ll never get. That I’m making things worse for myself for not stepping back, but this... I’m so bloody confused, Violet.”

“Do you mean me?” I ask quietly.

He takes a shaky breath. “Nobody ever affected me the way you do. I can’t stop thinking about you all the time. Literally. You’re the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and you’re there the moment I wake up. But I’m going crazy trying to figure you out.” Leif swipes a thumb across my lips. “I kissed you and you said that was okay, but then nothing else happened. I presumed your bond with Rowan meant you’d made your choice.”

“Choice? Are Rowan and I a couple wrapped up in each other who exclude others due to our relationship?” I shake my head.

“I guess not,” he mumbles.

“You’d like me to explain? You’re on my mind too, Leif. Every time I think about somebody forcing you into something you don’t want, I feel sick. I couldn’t understand why, but today everything sharpened into focus—I don’t want to lose you. Those days the humans locked you away, ask Rowan how I behaved. I hated that you must’ve felt scared and helpless, and I hated that I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to—I would’ve walked into that station and taken you somewhere safe in a heartbeat.”

“That wouldn’t have been sensible,” says Leif.

“Exactly!” I take Leif’s hand, my slender fingers tiny against his. “How I feel defied logic. And then when you were free and didn’t come to the academy... I worried that I upset you by not helping. Me. The person who never worries about what others think.”

“I would’ve been upset if you had,” he says quietly. “You know how protective I am of you. You talk about illogical? That is. You’ve no need for my protection at all.”

“True, but I've grown to understand the inherent desire to protect that comes with strong feelings for another.”

“Winding sentences, Violet,” he warns.

“I possess the same feelings for you as I do for Rowan. Mostly.”

“Mostly,” he replies, his voice flat. “What’s missing?”

“You don’t occasionally infuriate me.”

Leif smirks. “I know from Rowan’s complaining that's mutual, Violet.”

“Oh, I’m perfectly aware it is mutual.” I gesture at him. “But you’re rather a closed person too, Leif, and I’m not in the habit of pushing to know people’s thoughts.”

“Apart from when investigating crimes?” he teases.

I touch his cheek. “Yet you’re also the most open in a confusing way. Your odd gestures, and past admissions that you care despite my withholding affection.”

“Do you mean the gifts?”

“Holly informed me this is your love language, a concept that adds more ludicrousness to the human attempt to define everything they can’t explain.”

“Oh. That bullshit.” He chuckles. “I like giving gifts. It’s fun to see peoples’ reactions.”

“I want to bestow a gift on you, Leif. What would you like?”

He blinks at me. “Why?”

“Do I buy flowers as an apology like you did?”

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