Page 25 of One Secret

Good grief...

'I guess that answers my next question then,' Lily-Anne snorts, trying to sort out the blinds where she had mushed them into a garbled sheet.

'Which was?' I humor her, before shouldering my travel bag. I've been packed and ready to go for hours.

'Whether his thing is normal.'

'Excuse me?' I laugh.

'Oh, come on. Mother Nature can't be that generous. You said he's smart. If he looks like that and isn't dumb as a box of hair then there must be something wrong with his equipment. Either he's super tiny or it's bent funny or something.'

Okay, now I'm definitely grinning. I shake my head.

'Sorry,' I apologize without a hint of sincerity.

'Daamn,' she whistles to herself. 'You sure you don't want to keep this guy?'

My amusement dims.

I'd be lying if I said I'd not thought about it. In my weaker moments, I've imagined telling Cyrus I'm pregnant. I've fabricated an alternate reality in my head where he's enthusiastic, where he tells me he loves me and adapts to life as a family man. But every time I've let my fantasy play out, it's left me feeling twisted and forlorn. First, because of how much a rebellious little part of me craves it. And second, because I feel shame for craving something that isn't the real Cyrus. Being a husband and a father is so far removed from what Cyrus is and how he conducts himself that even I, the creator of the illusion, can see how flimsy it is. How inaccurate.

Cyrus has never lied to me. Never made promises he couldn't keep. He's a free man and has gone out of his way to communicate that fact.

And I've always loathed the kinds of women who take such men and entrap them with unplanned pregnancies. As far as I'm concerned, using our exclusive abilities of reproduction against men is as bad as the arseholes who use their natural strength to beat on women. Differences in sex should be celebrated. Not used as weapons.

I refuse to do that to Cyrus. I refuse to become a hypocrite.

'I'm sure,' I tell Lily-Anne. 'After this trip, I'm not seeing him again.'

'Is he going to be okay with that?' she asks.

I frown.

'What do you mean?’

'I mean, he's taking you away for a weekend to an exotic Greek island. That's usually a not-too-subtle code that a guy is getting serious.'

'Trust me, he's not.'

I couldn't very well tell my friend the truth, so "romantic getaway" had been the only explanation I could come up with for my absence. I might not have a lot in life but I wanted someone to know where I'm headed should anything happen to me.

With no family and few friends, Lily-Anne is kind of it.

'Did you ever think he might surprise you?' she asks, peering through the blinds again.

Distracted by a second buzzing in my back pocket, I drain my mug, pat my bag and pockets in a mental check and set my shades on my face. I raise a quick eyebrow at Lily-Anne over the rims.

'What?'

'Did you ever think he might surprise you?' she repeats. 'That, when you break things off, he'll want you to stay? Or might want the baby? My sister's husband was useless before she got pregnant. Just a big kid himself. But, when she told him about the baby, he totally changed! He matured and got a job and—'

'Sweetie,' I say, cutting her off. 'That's awesome but I don't think it's what's going to happen here.'

I don't know if I'm trying to moderate her expectations or mine. I can already see her eyes all sparkly with fairytale optimism.

'I really need to go. He's waiting for me.'

'Okay, but just... think about what I said?' she beseeches me. 'Maybe take a risk with this one?'

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