Page 26 of Impossible

I don’t have the energy to be angry. I’m the reason the pack bond is closed, the reason I can’t feel them like a second heartbeat in my chest, the reason that Hollis is relegated to desk jockeying and Leon is a glorified PE teacher and Risk is losing his mind every day. Heneedsthe bond, but with me around, he can’t have it. Hollis thinks I can be helped, but he’s wrong.

They’d be better off if I were gone.

I feel it then, a sliver of the bond opening up. Hollis isn’t very good at controlling it, he never has been, but I sense him pulling back the shutter he’s had on our connection for the past month and a half, letting me in for just a moment.

He sways in his seat, my blackness hitting him head-on.

The bond is disorienting after so long, even with just Hollis. He’s holding the others out, afraid that my darkness will infect them. I feel him though, loud and clear—stretched, afraid, angry, hurt, ashamed. What does he have to be ashamed of? He did nothing wrong.

His energy is the most intense—I didn’t realize howsluggishI am until his energy touches me, buzzing in his body, waiting for things to be done with it. He’s restless. He hates his life now, hates his pack falling apart, feels powerless to do anything about it.

Mostly, I feel him straining to fight me. My emptiness. To float rather than drown.

Before I can gather anything else he slams the bond closed again, locking me out. Losing him feels like a part of me being ripped away. I let out a wordless cry at the loss, my body having just started to re-animate. Leeching off his energy. The ache in my chest intensifies with the renewed absence.

“I’m sorry.” His voice shakes. “I just, with Risk—”

“Don’t,” I stop him. “I know. I’m sorry. I can’t…”

He waits, but I won’t finish. Whatever this is, this half-state I’m subsisting in, it can’t last. There’s no way back.

I turn away from him so he won’t see my face. I can’t do that to him, not when he has the others to worry about. His future, so promising, shuttered because of me.

“Joshua…”

“It’s fine,” I mutter, my voice tight. “I’m fine. Don’t be late for work.”

“Leon will check in on you when he gets home, ok? Please try to eat.”

“Sure. Bye, Hollis.”

He leaves the eggs behind.

9

Intent

Indigo

“Hey!Heyyou!Newgirl!”

I don’t think the voice is meant for me—this is my first time leaving the dorm since Friday, and the only people I’ve spoken to outside of Leon and Ms. O’Brien are the three omegas gossiping in the dorm on Saturday night. But when I turn around, a boy—an alpha, I guess I should call him—is waving and jogging towards me. He looks like a surfer, with bronze skin and long blonde hair that’s already somehow bleached from the early summer sun. He’s also big—not as big as Leon, but over six feet, and growing muscles to match his height.

I vaguely recognize him, and a flash of panic grips my stomach when I realize he’s one of the alphas from the stampede on Friday. He stops about ten feet away, noticing my fear.

“Hi,” he says. “I’m Shawn, Shawn Drake. I’m one of the guys that mobbed you on Friday, and I just wanted to apologize. That was so uncool, we all just got caught up in it, you weren’t even spiking too hard or anything, it was more of a competitive thing between us once somebodydidgo for you, ya know? And I know that’s no excuse but, damn, I’m just sorry. Totally embarrassing. Are you ok? All good? Midas is gonna kill us today in class if that’s any consolation, I’m guessing it will be windsprints ‘til we puke.”

I can’t help but smile. I wonder if this is the Shawn that the blonde girl in the dorm was talking about. He has a big nose, but it’s distinctive rather than ugly. He smells like the beach—salt air and sun. How is that even a smell?

“It’s ok,” I find myself saying. After reading the textbook and learning about alphas and their violent tendencies I didn’t expect to forgive one so easily, but Shawn has this easygoing sweetness to him. Already I’m finding it hard to remember the crazed expression he wore on Friday when he was just another face in the mob. He’s all rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes now. “Thanks. For apologizing. You guys were definitely terrifying.”

“Sorry.” Shawn rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. His ocean scent is light. Not unpleasant, but compared to Leon, not attractive either. I wonder if it’s normal to use one alpha as a benchmark for all others. Given that I’ve only really met three, I don’t feel too guilty. “Outside of our atrocious welcome, how you liking campus so far?”

“No idea.” I shrug. “About to go talk to Ms. O’Brien and see what the hell all this is about.”

“I can’t believe your first exposure to all this was a spike. How old are you?”

“Nineteen,” I answer. “I graduated last year.” I wonder how many times I’ll need to have this conversation. I watch his brow furrow as he thinks this through, but then he sees something over my shoulder and a stupid dopey grin spreads over his face instead. I turn and find a younger alpha approaching, gangly with a mop of brown waves falling into his eyes.

---