Page 100 of Impossible

Insensate

Indigo

Afterdinner,Leoncarriesme into the library, where Joshua begins sorting through sheet music, Hollis grabs a chessboard from a shelf, and Risk sets about building an incredibly inappropriately sized fire in the hearth.

I like watching them all. Joshua’s hair keeps falling in his eyes as he shuffles pages, and the way he shakes his head to clear his vision is sure to give him a crick in his neck. Hollis furrows his brow as he sets the pieces on the board, making sure each is in the exact center of its respective square. Risk keeps kneeling back, looking at the massive pile of wood in the hearth as though asking himself,more?The answer is always yes, and when he finally strikes the match and watches it all go up, his smile is meditative. The flames climb over the wood, greedily expanding until the confines of the brick hearth are sorely tested to keep them contained. Leon hovers over me, putting pillows behind my back and under my bad knee and tucking a blanket over my lap, stepping back to look at me broodingly before diving in to make more adjustments.

“I’m comfortable.” I finally stop him when he leans in for the fourth time. “Thank you.”

He nods gruffly before plopping down on the end of the couch, watching Risk and the fire warily.

Hollis finishes setting up the board and pushes it close enough to the couch for me to play without moving. Then the first notes float into the air;Nocturnes Op. 9. Chopin. Of course.

We all fall still. The only other sound is the low crackling of the fire. Even Risk is motionless, the flames reflecting in his eyes with a warm amber glow. Hollis’s eyes drift shut and a smile tugs the corners of his mouth upwards. It’s understated—not his usual politician’s smile. More earnest.

My shoulders relax as the melody fills me. I hadn’t even realized they were tense. Leon lays his head back on the couch.

Joshua’s music is poetry. It touches something raw and true inside that makes me feel simultaneously wise and young, an impossible duality. None of us moves, letting the melancholy wash over us. Our scents dance in the air, weaving around each other in an intricate dance.

I want to lock this moment inside of myself, find some way to keep it with me forever. It’s not just our scent or the warmth from the fire, the easy comfort of a full stomach or being fussed over and cared for. It isn’t the hauntingly beautiful music, or the game of chess positioned in front of me. I feelsafe.

Hollis’s eyes drift open slowly and he leans forward, nodding for me to go first. I bask for just a second longer, then slip my pawn into the center of the board.

We don’t speak as we play, letting Joshua’s music and Risk’s fire provide the soundtrack. Leon watches, his gaze lazily traversing the room. Something tells me he’s doing exactly what I was, drinking it all in and stashing the feeling away.

As the music winds down, I have to turn and watch Joshua play. His eyes are half-closed, lost in himself. I watch his curls fall in his eyes as his body lilts with the music, following the steady arpeggios and wavering in the polyrhythms. The inevitability of the song is in the set of his shoulders, the love letter written in the furrow between his brows.

When he finishes, there’s no fanfare. None of us want to burst the bubble. He pads around the piano and sinks to the floor next to where I sit, watching the board as I make my last desperate ploy. I open my mouth to compliment him, to thank him, but he can’t meet my gaze, and I sense that he would cringe away from any praise I offered. I graze his shoulder with my thumb instead, a gentle touch, hoping he understands. His cheeks stretch with a self-conscious smile.

“You’re not bad,” Hollis praises me after I knock my king over in defeat.

“Thanks.” I grin, the compliment making me happier than it should, even though I lost. “Ok, Joshua, your turn? Redeem me?” I almost reach out and comb my fingers through his shaggy hair before thinking better of it. I don’t want to burst the bubble.

“Let Risk play,” he says.

Risk has been in a trance in front of the fire this entire time, so I hadn’t considered him a viable option for any sort of activity, but when Joshua speaks, he turns to face us.

His expression melts me. The boyish mischief that seems to permanently occupy his features has faded away, leaving behind a youthful innocence that makes me want to hold him tight and protect him from the world.

He doesn’t say anything, just crawling over until he’s sitting on the floor between me and the coffee table. He drapes his legs over Joshua’s lap and leans forward, watching Hollis reset the pieces.

“Been a while, huh?” Hollis smiles. It’s tentative, like he’s aware of how fragile this sleepy state is on the perpetually frenetic Risk. Like he’s afraid of wiping it away with his words.

“Hope you’ve improved.” Risk’s eyes twinkle as he shifts his pawn forward.

Unlike our game, where I had to think on every move while Hollis watched, Risk’s moves are fluid and efficient. Hollis has barely finished moving his pieces before Risk is mapping his own, and my jaw drops when Hollis flicks his king over after just a few minutes of play.

“Wait, what?” I do a double take.

“It’s mate in three, though Hollis could have pushed it out to mate in six if he was willing to sacrifice his queen.” Risk leans his head against Joshua’s shoulder as he speaks. Hollis clears the board, shaking his head in good-natured disbelief.

“How did you learn to play like that?” I ask. Risk is the last member of the pack I would have expected to be a chess prodigy.

“He didn’t,” Leon chuckles.

“He has a million-track mind, and chess is one of the only activities that actually uses all tracks at the same time.” Joshua’s fingers weave through Risk’s hair as he speaks. The softness of the gesture makes me ache. “Or at least, most of them.”

“Will you teach me?” I ask.

---