Page 63 of Alive and Wells

Cecily

“Fuck,”Icurseundermy breath as I flip the grilled cheese sandwich half a second too late. The bit of charcoal isn’t that big of a deal. I can make sure it ends up on my plate. Eat with the blackened pieces facing down to keep him from seeing. Or I can try to hide the evidence deep in the garbage can. Maybe I should inhale it quickly now so it doesn’t go to waste.

When Austin walks in the door for lunch, the burnt bread suddenly feels like afrighteninglybig deal. I wipe the bead of sweat away from my hairline before pressing two fingertips to my tear ducts to halt production.Maybe he somehow won’t notice.It’s an absurd thought—Austin notices everything about me. There are times when it’s as though he innately knows what I’m feeling before I even do.

“Smells good, darlin’.” He comes from behind and kisses my shoulder. His hand reaching my lower back makes my spine straighten. Goosebumps scatter. There’s no hiding my anxiety when he’s this close. “What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself?”

“I’m fine. I wasn’t paying attention and I guess I had the pan too hot and I burned the sandwich. But I’ll eat this one, don’t worry.”

“No way. I like them a little extra crispy. This one’s mine.” His touch glides along my arm until he’s pulling the spatula from my hand and spinning me to face him. I don’t think I even realize how often I still flinch, but the sadness in his eyes right now is a dead giveaway. “Cecily, I don’t give a shit about some burnt bread. You could serve me a hockey puck with cheese and I’d break a tooth eating it with a smile on my face. This is never the kind of thing you need to worry about with me… promise.”

He pulls me into his chest, and I breathe in his scent.He’s not him, I remind myself until my heartbeat steadies and I’m safe. His warm body engulfs mine like a heated blanket, the steady thrum of his heartbeat in my ear, and his palm holding tight to my back.

“Well, now both sides have some good charcoal, so it’s definitely mine,” he says, still holding me in one arm as he plates the blackened sandwich.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hush,” he whispers before kissing me. “Let’s eat—you have a rodeo to get to.”

I reluctantly peel myself away from his calming embrace and grab my plate. “You’re sure you can’t come with us?”

“I’ll find you later. I have work to finish up first. Please promise me you’ll stay with one of the guys at all times, okay? I don’t like thinking about you being in such a public place, not knowing if he’s around.”

“You know, you could come with me and keep me safe.”

He shuffles the grilled cheese around his plate. “Wish I could, darlin’.”

He’s been so vague aboutwhyhe can’t come and, each time I press for more, he’s quick to shut down the conversation. I’m over it. As much as I’d love nothing more than to be there with Austin, I know I’ll have fun with everybody else.

“Please get there as soon as you can. I want to be there with you,” I say.

“I will. Promise I will.”

The bathroom air is humid and full of lingering hairspray as we dance along to a nineties country playlist. It reminds me of getting ready to go to parties in high school, minus the terrible fashion and questionable hairstyles.

“I can’t believe you’ve never been to a rodeo!” Kate’s excitement over this entire day has me beginning to wonder how big of a deal this whole thing is. She went so far as to buy matching outfits for her and Odessa. Even though she’s thirty-five weeks pregnant and sweating profusely, she’s been curling her hair for the last hour to make sure it’s perfect.

“Well, it’s not exactly the type of event my parents or KJ typically attend.” I reluctantly plug in my curling iron as the fear of being underdressed in simple braids finally outweighs comfort. “I’m excited to go check it out.”

“Austin still doesn’t think you should go?”

“Not at all.” I shrug. “I get where he’s coming from, but… I don’t know. Either KJ shows up in town or he doesn’t. At this point, I almost wish he would. Then maybe I’d stand a chance at getting rid of him finally.”

Three orange drinks appear from behind the door frame, followed by Beryl’s exhilarated face. “Who’s ready for the rodeo? I got us drinks—the little umbrella is in the virgin.”

“Ugh. I cannot wait for this sucker to be out so I can get drunk at rodeo barn dances again.” Kate clinks her glass against mine and Beryl’s, and we all take a refreshing sip.

“Although, rodeos seem to be how this”—her hand circles her baby bump—“keeps happening. Sexy cowboys, liquor, country music. Be careful tonight, Cecily.”

I grimace as if I’ve shot back straight tequila. Beryl’s bangle-covered arms jingle, her entire body shaking with laughter. If I’d had liquid in my mouth when she made that comment, Kate would be wearing it.

“Yeah, you don’t need to worry about me.” I pat my stomach. “Old faithful IUD up in here to keep it a baby-free zone.”

When I was younger, I assumed I would have kids one day. But, after marrying KJ, I decided straightaway it was absolutelynotsomething I wanted to do with him. I secretly got an IUD and, thankfully, he never showed more than casual passing interest in the idea of a baby. Mostly, he expected it would just eventually happen. As far as he was aware, we were “not trying, not preventing”. The day of my doctor’s appointment, I resigned to never having kids. Despite being around pregnant Kate every day, it hasn’t crossed my mind before now that kids could be part of my future again.

I think I want kids… not right away, though.Obviously. I need to at least be properly divorced. And possibly remarried?

God, do I want to marry somebody else one day?

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