Page 28 of Room 1212

Heat spread through my chest at his compliment. “You’re welcome, but you know, I was just answering your questions. And through all that, I don’t know that you actually heard me. Your books have always been amazing. I think it’s great that you wanted to try something new, but don’t feel like you have to fit into anyone else’s standards. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“Yeah… maybe,” he said, his smile slipping.

“Like my dad used to say, you are your own worst critic,” I told him.

He didn’t say anything in reply. The phone tipped away from his face as he set it down for a second, and I caught sight of the ceiling over his bed. I knew that light fixture too well from all the times I’d stared up at it. When Jordan picked the phone back up, his eyes were unfocused. I felt awful that I’d ruined his good mood.

I could tell by the way he was shutting down on me that he was through with this conversation. Any second now, he was going to say goodbye and hang up, and then I wouldn’t see him again. Our transaction was concluded, that was it, we were over. But I wasn’t ready to just let him go like that.

“Hey, are you in bed?” I asked, desperate to prolong the conversation.

“Huh? Yeah.”

“Yeah… me too…” I said, trying to add some innuendo to my tone of voice. “What are you wearing?”

He could try all he liked to be grumpy, but I knew just the right thing to say to make him smile. He shook his head at me, trying not to laugh. “Oh, you know, those super-sexy plaid pajama pants.”

“Mm, the one with the coffee stain? So hot.”

His giggle was everything, but it was short-lived. As we stared into each other’s eyes, the distance between us felt greater than the 20 blocks between our apartments.

“You could come over… if you want,” I suggested nervously. I knew what his answer would be, but I had to ask. I missed having him sleep next to me. Not just for the morning sex—though that was phenomenal—but for the pillow talk. Before we went to sleep every night, we used to talk about anything and everything, from his story ideas to the residents at my work. I loved how he fit against me, his head on my chest, his arm wrapped around my waist. My bedroom was too quiet without his little murmurs while he dreamed.

Jordan’s lips thinned, and he gave me an apologetic look. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Drew.”

“I know,” I whispered, “but I had to ask.”

He opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. “What?” I coaxed. “You can say it.”

I didn’t think he was going to finish his thought, but finally, he took a breath and asked, “Even now, do you still wish we could be something more?”

I smiled softly. “Even now.”

“Maybe… maybe I shouldn’t call you anymore,” he said, clearing his throat, and it looked like he was in pain. “I miss you when we don’t talk, but I feel like I’m not being fair to you. You deserve so much more than what I can give you. I can’t be your boyfriend. I can’t be youranything.”

And that was the harsh reality of my situation. He didn’t want me, but I didn’t want anyone else. I was just desperate enough that I would take anything he gave me, any little crumb, and I didn’t care how pathetic it made me.

“Don’t worry about me, Jordan, I’m a big boy,” I said with forced levity. “Give me a call later, let me know how your agent likes your book. And maybe you’ll even let me read it?”

He looked relieved that I hadn’t let him cut me out so easily, and I chose to see that as a good sign.

“You can read it on release day like everyone else,” he teased. “But if you’re lucky, I might just send you a signed copy.”

It wasn’t anywhere near enough, but I would take it.

15

Jordan

Isatintotalstunned silence. “What did you just say?” I asked, clutching the phone so hard that my knuckles screamed in protest.

“I said,” Sean hissed, “I. Can’t. Sell. This.” He enunciated each word, as though I were hard of hearing. “This isnota Jordan Kepler novel. This is… just no.”

I could feel my blood pressure rising, my pulse throbbing behind my eyes. “Well, you’re mistaken, because IamJordan Kepler, and I wrote the fucking book, so I assure you, itisa Jordan Kepler novel.”

He spat out an acidic laugh. “Seriously, Jordan, I don’t even know what you were thinking.”

“I was thinking that I wanted to write a book that everyone could relate to.” I hated that I had to defend myself to him.

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