Page 18 of I Promise You
My eyebrows raise as I catch onto her. I know what she’s doing. She’s going full mama bear on him, bombarding him with questions since they never properly got to know one another.
I came back from Iraq, pregnant, and she has the right to question him as if he’s a threat to my future, but I trust Danny and can make my own choices.
“Mama,por favor,” I denounce her respectfully. I chew faster before I swallow.
She looks at me with an innocent expression, shrugging her shoulders like she doesn’t understand why I would be upset, but she knows she’s prying hard. I don’t want Danny to feel uncomfortable.
“It’s okay, Ari.” He rubs his beard, and I know bringing up Paul only brings him pain, but he’s very good at not showing his emotions. This time, he doesn’t stiffen at the mention of my brother. He’s relaxed, and that is something new.
“Yes, I’ll be going back to work soon. I’m a SEAL, just like Paul was.” He looks at my mother, and he’s stony-faced but not upset.
“I will forever owe you an apology for not sharing my condolences with you when he died. There’s no excuse for that, so I won’t try to give you one. Usually…” He clears his throat, getting lost in his memories. “Paul would come to my house or Kane’s. We’re also on different teams, ma’am, so sometimes when I’m home, he probably wasn’t. Or we would both be deployed at the same time.”
My mom relaxes her shoulders.
“Yes, my son was always busy.”
“I didn’t know who Ari was. I knew he had his mother and sister waiting for him at home…but Paul was very private about his life, like I am with mine. We both had that in common.”
My mom grabs his hand, giving him a comforting squeeze for a couple of seconds and then lets go.
“This year has been tough for Ari and I...with Shane...thebaby...” she breathes out before grabbing another spoonful of soup.
I can’t take it. I don’t want to talk about how much this year has changed me in good and bad ways. I can feel my frustration and anger as the events of losing my baby and almost dying flood my mind like a hurricane.
The mention of my baby hits me like a lightning strike of dread. I will not pretend that I’m okay anymore tonight.
I’m not.
I stand from my chair, grabbing my plate and spoon. Scrambling to get away from everyone. I can feel Danny and my mom watching my back as I stomp away. The last thing I saw was Danny at a loss for words, and he broke his gaze and looked at the table instead.
“Ari Natalia! Finish your dinner,” my mother scolds me, her eyes widening with authority.
I’ve already made my way to the kitchen, stopping in front of the sink. I’m not turning back now.
“Estoy cansada,” I tell her I’m tired, tightening my grip on my spoon right before I drop it into the sink. I retreat to my bedroom, opening the door slowly, and I can feel an anxiety attack rising more and more.
I remove my clothes, replacing them with an all-black pajama set—a short sleeve with shorts. I can hear Danny and my mother’s voice, but it’s muffled and I can’t quite hear what exactly they’re talking about.
It’s only seven at night. I have no motivation to do anything. I lost my baby.
What am I supposed to do now? Move on?
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
I grab the newborn onesie from my bed like I always do before I toss the blankets over me.
Scrunching it into my hands tight, I settle into my pillow on my side and stare at the cute unisex newborn shoes Kane got.
He has always been there for me, although I haven’t seen him since I was attacked. Danny’s and Kane’s faces hovering over me were the last moments I remember before I passed out unwillingly.
Fuck Shane. And Fuck Nora.
Fuck. Everything.
Finally…my breathing evens out, an anchor of numbness replaces my anxiety, and I’m slowly blinking into a slumber of drowning sleep as my pillow grows wet with tears.
5
