Page 22 of I Promise You
I thought I would be a horrible father. I also didn’t want to raise them in a fucked-up world like this. Evil people like Shane lurk here, and he took away our innocent child.
I didn’t want kids because I felt it was even more selfish of me to put them through an absent father. I will be absent because of my job. I’m always doing shit that could kill or injure me physically.
I’m already disturbed mentally.
But my God, how I wanted my son.
I wanted to be a father to the little boy we lost.
I’ll forever regret the night I exposed classified information to Ari about her brother’s death.
But not because I broke the rules.
Not because I told her the truth she deserved to know.
Because of the shit I said.
For the first time in my life, I reacted to emotions that night, somethingI never do. I reacted because of the drunken rageI had bottled up inside. I told her things…all the things that permanently pull at my sanity.
And now, I will make it up to her every day of my life. From the moment I wake until the day Death comes to collect my soul.
If I’m going to be a father, there’s no other woman in this world I want to have a child with besides my little angel.
Our baby was a blessing I didn’t know I needed or deserved.
I had a blip of happiness watching Ari grow into a woman who carried a part of me and her inside her.
Every time I think of that day, I’m angry with myself and have the urge to drink again, empty every whiskey bottle I own in my house until I can’t feel anything.
But I’m learning to stay away from drowning in alcohol. I promised Ari I would control myself and intend to keep that promise. I’m still a whiskey man, but I would control the amounts I consume.
I’ve fallen for her. I’m obsessed with keeping her safe, and I’ll make sure of it for the rest of my days.
I brush my hand through my beard, deep into my thoughts, still watching her sleep. She’s underneath her light sage green blankets, and she looks comfortable. I’m about to climb into bed with her, but I wanted to burn one outside before joining her. I reach into my pockets, holding my pack of cigarettes, hesitant to pull them out.
She’s helped heal my traumas…
I feel like a new man, and it’s because of her.
She is my safe haven. She is the sanctuary I didn’t see coming.
My chest tightens with unwavering pain as the moment I found out my child was gone catches up to me, and there’s no escaping it…no whiskey to fog it away, and it consumes me.
I sit alone in the waiting room, and I can’t stay still.
I loathe hospitals. The cold temperature makes it feel unwelcoming; the atmosphere is full of dread, the environment chaotic.
The only reason I like them now is because Ari works in one, and when I step into the one she works at, I get to see her in her cute little scrubs, helping people.
Saving them.
I rejected any treatment until I discovered Ari would be okay. There’s no way in hell I’m letting any other doctor or nurse touch me without knowing her condition. Ari’s mom was being evaluated still, but so far she was okay—nothing too serious.
My knee bounces with unease. Every second feels like an hour, and I keep checking my watch as if that would make time pass by faster.
Kane keeps blowing up my phone, text after text, so I shut it off. I squeeze the off button on the side of my phone so hard it turns off in seconds and shove it back into my pocket.
I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t even fucking breathe because I’m not holding her in my arms, watching the eyes I love so much sparkle.
