Page 14 of I Promise You
“What?” I glare at him with anger, and he meets my stare with his own softened blue eyes.
This is a bad dream. It has to be.
How could those words fall out of his mouth and he’s not breaking?
He’s lying.
“You’re lying! You’re fucking lying to me!” I rock my head violently, looking at my belly, clutching it as if that would help turn back time.
“You promised me you would never lie to me, Danny! How could you say that?” Tears fall out like a monsoon, and Danny frowns. As he leans in to touch my cheek, I push his hands away and they smack against him loudly.
“No! Don’t you dare touch me!” I bellow at him as I cry harder, tears pouring out of me as my eyebrows grasp together. “I won’t accept this!”
I rip the bed sheets, tearing them away from me so they’re no longer covering my waist, and I lift my hospital gown desperately.
“Mija, stop,” my mother begs from the corner of the room with a gasp.
I sob, hyperventilating, my entire dream of becoming a mother ripped away from me when I see a slash like a C-section scar. It’s red, swollen, and fresh.
No, no, no.
Shane took away my baby from me?
I’m not going to be a mother anymore?
I feel like I stop breathing for a second and I close my eyes, trying to figure out a way to make this feel like I’m hallucinating. I rub my belly with my hands over my scar, like I used to do when Danny was away on his deployment. My lonely nights weren’t so lonely because of our baby. It was my way of holding my future, even though it was still months away until I met her or him. I prayed and envisioned the way I would get to say hello for the first time, with my hands on their fingers with a precious blue or pink onesie, repeatedly on those lonely nights. I’ve witnessed many deliveries in the hospital. I had the privilege to watch newborns curl their tiny hands around their mother’s pinky or index fingers, whispering hello’s to their cooing newborn as they lay on their chest, bonding together.
“Please don’t tell me I don’t get to say hello to our baby, Danny. Please.”
I can’t look at him. I shut my eyes tight, rubbing my hand over my belly.
Silence envelops the room, and I’m spiraling.
I tip my head back, looking at the white blinding lights in the ceiling, causing me to inhale sharply. I squeeze my eyelids closed again, as if that will help relieve the despair I feel in my chest.
“Oh.” I cry out and I hyperventilate as I remember just how painful a sharp blade feels. My chest hurts, and I feel like the more breaths I suck in, the more I drown in my own sadness. And I can’t stop trying to breathe. I can’t stop gasping for air. I feel like I’m going to suffocate even though I’m not under water and my blood pressure rises to dangerous limits. Tears gush down my face, my throat stings, and a panic attack ensues, consuming my heart and soul.
Then Danny moves, lifting his legs and gets into bed with me. He’s stone-cold and emotionless while I’m a wreck. I push him away from me, my hands going for his shoulders first.
“No!” I reject him with disdain laced in my tone, but he refuses to let me push him away.
He lies on his side, and he pulls me into his chest, trying to comfort me.
Shane and Nora killed my baby, and they almost killed me.
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the reality as Danny kisses the top of my head soothingly.
Something inside of me breaks. A crack in my soul and humanity. I thrash with possessed anger.
Danny wraps his arms around me protectively even as I scream and hit his chest with my fists.
“No! No! No! You’re lying!” I’m hysterical, and my voice lowers with crescendoing sobs.
I want to get away from everyone. I feel like I need to take out my anger on something and someone.
Danny tightens his grip on me harder and breathes into my hair. My mother sobs silently as she watches me fall apart into his arms.
The trauma from the attack is all too much, and I’m furious with everyone. My mother.Danny.I feel like he’s the one to blame for everything that has happened this year.
