Page 70 of Diverge

“Well, you will have your hands full with a girl and a boy once Georgia gives birth.” I slap him on the shoulder. “Good luck, big bro. You’ll need it,” I jest.

We make our way to the car. Riley loads the suitcases into the tray of his dual cab Ute, and I buckle Harriet into her car seat.

“But Hayhay doesn’t want Aunty B to go.” Harriet frowns as I hand her a bunny she uses to cuddle in the car. She calls herself Hayhay because she can’t say Harriet yet.

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll be back. I won’t be gone forever.” I give her a gentle kiss on her forehead, and she smiles.

The drive to the airport was filled with laughter as we reminisced about our younger years together. All the silly things we’d done, the pranks we pulled on each other. “Do you remember when we egged the Francis house?” He laughs. “Finn ran like lightning from their front yard when he saw the lights turn on in the house.” His laughter diminishes as he stares at me. “Shit, sorry, B.” I shake my head. “No, don’t be sorry.” I smile. “It’s a funny memory... and I want to remember Finn this way.” I look to Riley. “I want to remember him in all the good times we had together.”

He reaches over and places his hand on mine. “I’m so proud of you.”

My heart swells at his praise.

“Dad would be proud.” He smiles as we turn into the drop-off bay at the airport.

Gathering my three suitcases, I hug Riley and give Harriet a kiss on the cheek.

“Send me lots of photos of the baby!” I yell out to him as I walk into the terminal. He nods as he waves goodbye, Harriet clutched to his leg.

The flight was rough, as any Europe-bound flights are. That is one reason I hate living in Australia. It just takes forever to get anywhere else. Once I arrive in London, I make my way to my hotel room, have a quick shower and plonk myself into the bed. My body is so exhausted that I cannot keep my eyes open.

*****

My heart skips a beatwhen I watch the lead singer of Bring Me the Horizon run across the stage, screaming into the microphone. Bodies surround me as I look up to the stage, holding on to the barricade in front of me.

“Sheffield! Let me hear you fucking scream!” He points the mic to the crowd, and the crowd roars; my chest vibrates at the sound of the music flooding the arena.

This is my happy place, surrounded by my people. A memory of the Slipknot concert enters my mind, and I smile, knowing this is what Finn meant, to enjoy everything I never got to enjoy in my twenties. You can work all you want and chase the money every single day of your life, but is that really living? Is that enough to say you have truly lived? Because when the time comes, hopefully in the distant future when I am old and wrinkly, I want to be able to say that I’ve had the best experiences.

I don’t care whether you like to spend your time bird watching in the forest, or playing golf with your friends, the point of life is to do the things you love before your time runs out, before you cannot anymore. I’m thankful to Finn for showing me how much of my life I did not like, teaching me that I can indeed do the things I love whilst still making a living without being confined to a desk, surrounded by four walls. I’m grateful that we got a chance to experience this together, even if it was for a short while.

*****

Ispent the next twoweeks following band after band around London, Berlin, Amsterdam... the list goes on. I watch the trees rustling in the wind through the window of the taxi as we drive past the Mackenzie château. I thought it would be hard to be back here, but it isn’t. I feel... calm... at ease. Getting out of the cab, I grab my bag and walk down the stone path, leading towards the lavender fields. In the distance, I spot Finn’s tombstone, slightly weathered from the rain and wind. Once I reach his grave, I place my things down and sit cross-legged on the grass. Taking a deep breath in, I look around, the sun beaming down on my face. My lips curve into a small smile as I place my hand on top of his grave, feeling the blades of grass between my fingers.

“Hey, Finn...” I look up into the sun and sigh. “I miss you.” I feel the breeze push my hair behind my shoulders. “I’ve been travelling around Europe for the past couple of weeks... and I thought of you at every single concert I went to.” I pause, taking a shaky breath. “You would have loved it.” I take out an envelope from my bag, the paper beginning to yellow from the years it has spent inside a drawer. “I brought you something... I wrote it the week after your passing, not knowing if I would get the chance to come back.” My hands tremble as I open the envelope, unfolding the letter.

Dear Finn,

As I stand here beside your tombstone, reliving the best moments of our lives in my mind, my heart crumbles at the fact that I must now live through the grief of losing you.

The reality of life without you dawns on me. It closes me in and confines me into a corner of sorrow. There will never be anyone who understands me like you did. You were my best friend, my twin flame. They say a twin flame begins as one soul, then splits into two bodies. That’s what we were, halves of one whole. Spiritually, we were always together, always yearning for the other to be near when we were apart, and with you gone, there will always be a piece of me missing, taken with you into the next life.

I promise you I will do my best to live my life with no regrets, to chase my desires and aim for happiness in every corner of my heart. I owe you for pulling me out of my fears, for helping me see that life is fragile, it's never constant and that we must seize all the opportunities we are given, for tomorrow is not promised. I vow to live my life on my own terms from now on. I promise to disregard the trivial things in life and focus on those that truly make me happy. I hope you’re watching from above because I’m going to make you proud to see that I’m living my life to the fullest, just like you asked me to. Like you said so beautifully, it’s not goodbye forever, only for now until our halves fuse as one again in the next life.

I love you, Finn, always and forever.

Cross my soul.

Billie.

I feel a tear trickle down my cheek as I fold up the letter, place it back inside the envelope, and hold it close to my heart. “I’ve held on to this letter for years because I felt if I let it go, I would let you go with it”—placing the envelope on top of Finn’s grave, I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand—“but I’m ready now, just like you made me promise. I have mourned you, and now I think I am ready to live again.” I look up into the sky as the clouds move peacefully together.

“Honey? Billie, is that you?” I hear Mrs. Mackenzie’s voice from behind me, and when I turn around, I see her walking towards me through the grass. “Oh, honey, we’ve missed you so much.” She takes me into her warm embrace as I smile and wrap my arms around her.

“I wanted to visit Finn first before I said hello,” I say, pulling back out of her embrace. She puts her arm around my shoulders and guides me back to the house.

“How are you doing?” She rubs the side of my shoulder as we walk together.

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