Page 68 of Diverge

Everyone is telling me things will get better and that I will beat this, but I feel like I’m at the end. I don’t want to give up, but my body is tired, sore, and my chest aches with the thought of never seeing you again before I die.

I love you, Billie. I promise to love you forever.

Cross my soul.

Finn.

Letter to Billie from Finn – aged 22

Dear Billie,

This week has been difficult, mostly because I’m deliriously tired from the chemo. I miss your scent, the delicious taste of your lips, and your genuine light of happiness. God knows I truly need it today. I’m angry, Billie. I’m angry at my father, I’m angry at the universe, and I’m angry with myself. Some nights I want to end it, just to feel like I have some control in my life. I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling like I’m stuck and at the mercy of others. The drugs make my mind foggy, and I hate that I struggle to remember things, to remember us. I hate that this thing is taking me away from myself, taking my memories, like my body wasn’t enough to satiate its thirst.

I miss you, Billie, more than you will ever know.

Finn.

Letter to Billie from Finn - aged 22

Dear Billie,

I haven’t been able to get out of bed for two days. The nurses have been by my side tending to my needs like I’m on my deathbed. One even brought me a porn magazine because she thought I would want to pull myself off once more before I die. I laughed for a good while after that happened, but the truth is I’m still sad, still vexed and still fighting. I’ve just finished my third course of chemo today, and I feel somewhat hopeful that maybe there is a chance the universe may want us to be together again. I have a break after this round. Dad thinks I should go on a trip with my friends. He thinks it may bring my spirits up, but all I want to do is lay here and work my mind down to its last cell thinking of you, so I don’t forget. I don’t want to forget the outline of your lips, the way they curve when you smile or the way you purse them when you’re upset or mad. I’m afraid of forgetting, Billie.

I long for you, B. Since the first day I landed in France, I have longed for you since.

Finn.

Letter to Billie from Finn - aged 23

Dear Billie,

I finished my last round of chemo today. I made it to the end. I feel hopeful that the universe will allow me to right my wrong. I should have never cut you off when I left, it was stupid and naïve of me to think it would be ‘better’ for you. I realise now that everything in life happens for a reason, but we have choices within those reasons. We are given what we are given, and it is up to us to make of those gifts as we will. I don’t want to live with regret anymore, B. I want to be with the woman I love, the girl I have loved since I was a little kid. The only thing that got me through all those gruelling rounds of chemo was the tiny bit of hope that if I did, I could change my fate, that I could be with you once again. The doctors say that I must wait a few months to see how my body is going to respond, and after some tests, they will determine if I’m in the clear. I’m coming back to you, Billie, I know it. I’ve been given a second chance; I feel it in my chest.

I love you, B. Forever and always.

Finn.

Letter to Billie from Finn – aged 27

Dear Billie,

It’s taken a while for me to get back to myself. I’ve been working on myself so I can come back a brand new me, a better me, for you. I’ve finished law school and have been looking after myself. I go to the gym now and lift weights every day. I eat like a rabbit as well; the doctors say I need to keep myself active and healthy to stop the cancer from coming back. They’re confident in me and say I’m in the clear now. I’m coming back to you, a brand new me, Billie. I can't wait to see you.

I miss you.

Finn.

Last Letter to Billie from Finn – Aged 28

Dear Billie,

I’m not quite sure how to start this letter so I’ll start by saying how hard I have loved you these past few months. As I lay here with you sprawled on my chest, I can’t help but apologise for leaving you not once, but twice in one lifetime. I’m sorry these were the cards we were dealt with in this life, and I’m sorry for not seizing the multiple opportunities I had, to have your love a lot earlier on in our lives. These past few months have been nothing short of amazing having you by my side, hand in hand. I hope one day you can move on and find someone who will love you just as much as I did. I hope they love fiercely, just as we did. If you feel at all guilty for the times you couldn’t be there for me, don’t. You are the best friend and lover anyone could ever want. Please go easy on yourself, follow your dreams, and make them your reality. Happiness is a journey and not a destination, so do things that exhilarate you and don’t accept a subpar reality. That is not who you are, who we were. I’m not ready to say goodbye, but this isn't goodbye forever. Only until I see you on the other side.

I love you, Billie. Forever, and always.

Cross my soul.

Finn.

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