Page 67 of Diverge

Two Weeks Later

My knees shake as Igrip my brother’s arm, steadying myself. He wraps his arms around me, holding the broken pieces of my soul together. We stand, surrounded by guests dressed in black, watching as Finn’s coffin is lowered into the dirt. I let the grief take me into its riptide, as my chest is racked with sobs. Once again, I say goodbye to the boy whom I loved, the man I dreamed to be with for the rest of my life, my best friend, my first love, my twin flame.

This isn’t goodbye forever, B. Only until we meet again in the next life.

I remember the words he constantly repeated during the last week we spent together. Riley rubs my back as I weep through the shattering of my heart. No one said it would be easy, but I hadn’t imagined the pain to be this deep, this cutthroat. I never once had let myself think about this moment, even though I knew it would come, because I wanted to be there for him, to be present for him in the last moments we had together. I didn’t want to imagine my life without Finn. It hurts to breathe as I take shallow breaths between sobs.

At the end of the service, the guests pay their respects to the Mackenzies and leave. We held the funeral in France because it was Finn’s wish to be buried in the countryside.

The car is silent as we all wallow in our own sorrows, sharing our grief together and separately, as we drive back to the château. Kicking off my heels, I walk into Finn’s room and climb into his bed. The sheets still smell exactly like him. Riley knocks on the door and asks if I want him to stay, but I shake my head, needing to be alone tonight. I hear the click of the door as he leaves, leaving me to my thoughts of Finn. I go over every memory I have of him, from when we were little, to the day we spent on the beach. I fill every inch of my mind with him until I fall asleep, hoping that he visits me in my dreams.

*****

Standing outside, Istare at the lavender fields with a mug of coffee in my hand, watching the glow of the sun illuminate the sky as it rises beyond the horizon. I feel someone slip a blanket over my shoulders and turn to see Mr. Mackenzie standing beside me.

“He loved you with every fibre of his being,” he utters as his eyes water. “I’ve never seen someone so determined to make themselves better for someone else’s benefit.”

I give him a small smile as I turn to watch the sunrise. “I miss him, but I know he’s still with me.”

Mr. Mackenzie sighs and pauses, almost like he doesn’t want to say what he is about to. “Finn asked me to give you the letters he wrote you.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “I was going to keep them because I was worried they would make you even more upset, but I thought you deserved to have them.” He hands me Finn’s laptop. “They’re saved in the folder named Billie. He also asked that I let you keep his laptop.”

My hands tremble as I take the laptop from him. Taking a seat on a deck chair, I place the laptop on the table. I hear Mr. Mackenzie head back inside as I open the laptop. My breath hitches as I watch the screen light up with a photo of us at the beach, the widest smiles spread across our faces. I open his Spotify account and begin listening to the last song that was playing. Atlantic by Sleep Token filters through the speakers as I hesitate, the cursor hovering over the folder with my name on it.

Drawing in a shaky breath, I open the folder and dive into some of the letters.

Letter to Billie from Finn – aged 18

Dear Billie,

I won’t ever send you this letter because I don’t want you to live with the false hope of me ever returning to Australia. It’s clear that my father wants me to stay and study here, live here, but all I want to do is jump on a plane and come back to you, tell you I love you and that I have loved you since we were little. I want to be selfish and tell you no one else can have you but me. No one else deserves you but me. That night we shared together will forever be the best night of my life, a night my best friend trusted me with her heart. I’m sorry I broke it by leaving, but I didn’t have a choice. I’m so angry with my dad for dragging me across the entire world, away from you. I miss you so much, Billie. I promise to find my way back to you someday, even if we’re fifty and living completely different lives. I will find you, and I will win you back.

Cross my soul.

Finn.

Letter to Billie from Finn – Aged 19

Dear Billie,

Everything is different here, and I hate it. I hate not being able to laugh about silly things with you, not being able to simply be in your company. I miss you terribly. Everything seems off here, like it’s wrong. I got into Paris-Panthéon-Assas, the most prestigious law university here in France, but I don’t care that I did. I don’t care if they offer me a silver platter through law school because none of it matters without you here by my side. It feels wrong experiencing the next phase of life without you. You’re probably wondering if I have made any friends, truth is none of them compares to you. I can’t be myself with them, I can’t say what I feel, truly feel. I heard from Grace that you got into the University of Melbourne with the highest marks in our grade. I’m so proud of you, Billie. I know you will do great in whatever you pursue.

Wish you were here.

Finn.

Letter to Billie from Finn – Aged 22

Dear Billie,

These last few days have been the hardest without you by my side. I don’t have anyone else I can share my inner darkest thoughts with, and there hasn’t been a moment I wished you were by my side more than this one right here and now.

Today, I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It even feels bizarre to write it down. The last year has been a rough ride, filled with hospital visits, countless needles, and tests. I’m tired, Billie, and I don’t know if I will make it through this. I’m terrified. I don’t want to die.

Part of me thinks if you were here, you would know what to say, you would make me get through it. You would tell me not to give up and keep fighting. I wanted to reach out to you so many times just to hear your voice, but like a coward, I didn’t.

What if I die? I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t reach out to you now and throw your life upside down only to waste away in front of you.

The only thing that is giving me hope is the thought that I may get the chance to see you again someday in the future. I’m going to try, I’m going to give it my all, for you, for the possibility of us.

---