Page 65 of Diverge

Chapter Twenty-One

Billie

The green trees swaysoftly in the breeze above us as Finn and I lay on deck chairs under the sun's rays, drinking in every moment we get to spend together. After we got to France, we immediately saw Finn’s oncologists in the hopes that there was something else we could do to stop the cancer, maybe more rounds of chemotherapy... or something... just something. I hate this feeling of being helpless. I feel like I’m drowning in a dream, and I can’t wake up. After a couple of weeks of spending time in the city, Finn showed me all his favourite places to eat.

We went to the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, and did all the touristy things you’re supposed to do when you travel to France. He said it was important to do them, but all I wanted and thought about was being with Finn. Being in his company, loving him from a place of purity.

He made me promise we would spend whatever time we had left together as a happy couple who had a lifetime ahead of them, so we travelled into the countryside and spent most of our days amongst the lush green vineyards and fragrant lavender fields. Finn’s parents, Grace and Michael, travelled with us to their château in the country, not wanting to be apart from him either.

“Do you want to hear something funny?” Finn’s voice is laced with humour as he speaks. “The first time I went on a date with some girl from the city back when I was young, we went to a restaurant, and the date was so bad that I asked the waiter to spill a drink on me so I could leave.” He chuckles at the memory, and I laugh with him.

“Why was it so bad?” I question.

He smiles, looking at me. “She knew almost everything about me, of course everything I posted on socials.”

“No... you had a stalker?!” I gasp.

He chuckles to himself again. “She was fucking crazy, B. She went to the same university as me. I met her in my Intro to Law class, but I never would have guessed she used to stalk me in her spare time.” We both laugh together, looking up at the sky.

“I mean, you are very ‘stalkable,’” I jest.

Finn’s hand reaches over to mine as we lace our fingers together, our hands dangling between the two deck chairs. The sorrow returns to feast on my mind like a rabid dog.

“It’s okay, you know.” He squeezes my hand. “To laugh.” I wipe a tear from my cheek, not wanting him to see me cry. “I don’t want you to think you can’t be happy because of this... yes, it’s shit... but it is what it is.”

I sigh, not knowing how to respond. “Don’t let this be the end.” I turn my head to look at him, his eyes closed, his body beginning to deteriorate right in front of me. “Finish what you started, B. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not possible to live a life you love.”

“I won’t,” I say through the lump in my throat.

“Promise me.” He tightens his hold on my hand.

“Cross my heart,” I say, and he turns to smile at me.

“I remember when you first said that to me... it meant more to me than a promise ever could, and still, to this day, my thoughts haven’t changed,” he admits and pauses for a moment. “I want you to be happy, Billie. When I’m gone, I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone. I want you to find someone who loves you just as much as me, if not more.” The last thing I’m thinking about is someone else right now.

“I don’t want to think about it, Finn. Please, don’t make me think about it right now. I’m holding myself together by a thread, and I cannot think about being without you.” Silent tears roll down my cheeks as he continues.

“I want you to be prepared, because when I’m gone, I don’t want you to sit around and mourn me until you die. You’re not even thirty yet. You still have a full life to live, and I’ll be damned if I won’t do everything in my power to help you see that.” He stands, pulling me up with him.

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