Page 26 of Choose Me

"No. We decided to wait since James couldn't attend the anatomy scan."

She clicked her tongue in disapproval, and I could tell she was not one who held back her emotions often, but she seemed to be trying to keep together for my sake. "I'm sorry that the FBI is pulling him by the balls and dragging you along, but I want you to know he loves you. And he would leave the Bureau if you asked him. He said you would never ask him, but what kind of life is this for not only you two but when the baby comes?"

My heart lurched at her words, at the choice she thought she was presenting me with. I fidgeted with the frayed edge of one of the couch pillows, its material rough against my skin as I twisted it in my hands. "What are you trying to imply, exactly?" I demanded, my voice sharp with anger.

The silence that followed seemed to stretch out forever, filled with an unspoken understanding but laced with fears and secrets. We both stared at each other, neither wanting to back down until finally, Amelia let out a long breath and broke the tension in the room.

"I'm sorry for being so forward, Ava. What I'm trying to say is, it's just...the way James talks about you, he's crazy about you, and he's never been like this about a girl- any girl, ever. And I don't want him to get hurt. And with all this shit with the killer in Oregon, and now this Commons guy that is stalking you, I don't want to see any of you get hurt. I want to be an aunt, and whether you realize it or not, we are tied together by this baby. I want James to have the chance to be a father and for you guys to be a family. And with the Bureau, I mean, they already sent him to Miami while you were pregnant. Where else will they send him once the baby is born? It will kill him to be away, and you may not realize it now, but eventually, you'll resent him for being gone, leaving you to raise this baby alone."

My voice shook with conviction as I declared, "I would never ask him to leave the Bureau," I said firmly. "The Bureau was there before me, and it brought him and I together. Without the FBI...without James, I wouldn't be here." I paused and nervously ran my fingers across the thick, raised scar on my wrist that used to burn bright red but had mostly healed to an off-white color that seemed to pulsate with my anger, a stark reminder of the sacrifice I was willing to make for James. But there was a tinge of truth to what she was saying. I had felt some resentment toward James. No matter how much I tried to fight it, it was still there, coiling in my veins every morning I woke up alone. It didn’t matter that I told him I could survive his absence. The truth was, I wasn’t okay with it, not in the slightest. I didn’t tell him because I wanted him focused on this case, and if he knew I was having a hard time, he wouldn’t think about himself. He would think about me. And thinking about me could get him killed. So, I suffered in silence, crying myself to sleep and wishing the empty spot on our bed was filled with his warm body instead.

She must have seen the conflict in my eyes because she continued gently, her voice full of compassion. "You know, sometimes we think that the choices we are given are impossible when, in reality, all we need is a bit of time and space. By giving yourself some breathing room, you can look at things from a different perspective, and you will both figure out what future you want together."

I nod and swallow, my throat dry and raw as I fight back tears.

She stood up from where she was sitting and crossed the room towards me. She gently placed a hand on my arm, running her gaze across the scar I had touched. "He loves you, Ava," she said softly. "You don't have to make any decisions right now; just think about it and make the decision with James. He is just as stressed as you are and wants to take care of you and his baby."

We were quiet momentarily before she cleared her throat, grabbed her purse, and searched inside for something. "This conversation sounded better in my head, by the way. I swear I did not intend to bring all of this up the minute I met you. I love my brother, and he has always taken care of me. He takes care of everyone else in his life before himself, and I know he is torn up about not being here for the two of you. He feels like he is failing you both. James says I'm too intense and need to respect boundaries, but I look at it this way: you'll never be confused about where I stand."

I smiled to myself because while James kept his feelings inside until they burst out of him, his sister was unapologetically honest and transparent. It was refreshing, even if it stirred up thoughts I had kept inside and conversations I knew I needed to have but avoided. The truth is, I was three-fourths of the way through my pregnancy, and I could only keep the baby in for so long before I would be forced to have it. If James couldn’t close the case in Miami, there was a chance that he wouldn't be here when I went into labor. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't bothered by that thought. But then again, how could I ever begin to tell him about the conflict I felt when he was dealing with his own issues? It felt like we were on two completely separate paths, each trying to navigate it alone, but neither was turning to the other. The conflict between what I wanted and what I knew to be right weighed heavily on me, and I knew I couldn’t avoid these feelings forever.

She pulled out her phone, scrolled through her contacts, and hit the call button. “Now, let's go ahead and call my brother and ask him why he didn't tell you I was coming by today. She put the phone and speaker, and we both listened as it rang.

He didn't answer.

She waited for it to go to his voicemail, giving me a mischievous smile as she waited for the beep. "Oh, hi, big brother. Ignoring my phone calls, are we? It wouldn't be because you forgot to tell your beautiful girlfriend and mother of your child that I was stopping by to meet her tonight. Because newsflash, she thinks I am a crazy person, and she most definitely did not know I was stopping by. Anyway, call me back. Love you. Bye."

She ended the call and turned towards me, a wicked glint in her eye. "Since we got off on the wrong foot, well, actually, this was all me. Since I stomped on the wrong foot, what do you say I make it up to you? Tomorrow night, I have to make an appearance at this posh banquet that the FBI is putting on. James got my company on the crooks in the city--I mean, the philanthropists list to donate money to and help pad their reputations for how they are doing so much for the city. I have to show my face and graciously accept their aid in order to get added to this fiscal year's funding requests. How about you come with me? You get to dress up and enjoy some five-star cuisine and watch those fat cats get drunk off their asses."

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea. You don't have to make anything up to me. It's water under the bridge," I reassured her, appreciating her effort to start fresh.

"Oh, come on. James would be going too if he were here. But it's his loss. You get to be my date.”

She winked. "You're really going to make me beg?" She feigned a pout with an exaggerated lip quiver.

"I don't have anything to wear." I protested.

"Don't worry about it. I know a guy. Just be ready by 7. I'll wait for you in the lobby."

I sighed in resignation. "Okay, fine. I'll go."

"Yes! Thank you, Ava. I have to get up early for rehearsals, but I'll see you tomorrow." She pulled me into a warm embrace and kissed my cheek. "I really am happy that James found you."

So was I.

15

FIFTEEN

AVA

Amelia apologized fifty more times before actually leaving, and I went and retrieved my phone to check if James had texted.

Still nothing.

What the hell?

I called him, and his phone went to voicemail. Usually, he called me when he finished work for the day, and he always at least sent a check-in text in the afternoon. It was just wildly abnormal for him not to reach out. The knot in my stomach tightened with each passing moment.

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