Page 119 of Touch Me

And so I do. I fall to pieces. Ugly, broken pieces.

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After an exhausting dayof tears and tacos, I lay on the pull-out couch staring at a water spot on the ceiling. It could either be a turtle with aFlock of Seagullshaircut or pinwheel sticking out of a rock. Both a definite possibility.

The clock ticking is the only sound. It’s both too quiet and too loud. Every tick is picking at my brain as the silence engulfs me.

Ally’s boyfriend, Derek, came over. He seems like a nice guy. We made awkward small talk, and they went to bed early. Not sure if it was to leave me alone to bask in my misery, or if they wanted sexy time. I’m grateful either way. I wasn’t in the mood to pretend like I’m fine, and he didn’t seem the type for small talk. It was a win-win.

I pull my phone out, remembering to charge it. My screen is full of notifications—several missed calls from Jess, Jen, Ashley, and Jace. I open my texts and hover my finger over his name. What more could he possibly have to say?

I still think you’re a loser.

Come and get your shitty stuff out of my apartment.

So do I open them and rip my heart straight from my chest? Or do I delete and block him and make sure I never see his name again? Maybe seeing his hate-filled words will make this easier, the final nail in the coffin.

I sigh and click on his name. There are several messages as I scroll, my eyes catching words and phrases.

Jace:

Please answer your phone.

Call me back.

I’m so sorry.

Jess told me everything.

I drop my phone in my lap and throw my arms across my face. That’s not how that was supposed to go. I was supposed to see his smear campaign about what a disgrace I am so I could block him and move on with my life.

Now he wants me to call him andwhat?Just forget about all the nasty slurs he threw in my face? Forget about how he watched me break down and still went straight for the jugular?

No. I can’t. He thought those things. Hesaidthose things. Deep down he believes them. Maybe he only feels bad now because I was the first person he got his rocks off with. Like an orgasm Stockholm Syndrome. He knows I’m bad, he knows I’m wrong, but he still feels an affinity for me because I put his dick in my mouth. That’s all he’s thinking about. He’ll trust no one else enough to open up about his issues and now realizes he’ll never come again without me.

Well, when I think about it that way, it does make it easier. I dig my phone out of the blankets and unlock it. I select his name and move to hit block when I see the ellipse show up indicating he is typing.

Just hit the block button, Cassie. It doesn’t matter what he says.

Jace:

I miss you.

I miss your hair in my face when we sleep. It’s everywhere actually.

I miss your cold feet, shocking me awake in the middle of the night.

I sit stunned, staring at the screen, blinking the tears away.No more.

I’ve never slept the whole night through before. Not until you were in my bed.

I miss the little noises you make and the way you twitch when you fall asleep.

Just like I thought. He only misses what few benefits I brought to his life. He misses what I can do for him. Well, Jace, welcome to my life. How does it feel to want something, toneedsomething, and have not a single person give a fuck?

He’ll be fine. He was fine before me, he’ll be fine after me. I’m sure he can take some of the lessons learned and apply them to his new life going forward. I know I will. You take your guard down for five minutes and look at what happens. The wounds from today are scabbing over, and I can already feel the scars from tomorrow.

I love you, Cassie. Please call me.

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