Page 115 of Touch Me

“We can fix this.” Ella sits down and grabs both our hands. “We’ll explain it exactly how you just did and end of story. All better.”

You’ll always be trash, disposable. You were never going to be anyone’s permanentanything.

And then it clicks. He couldn’t have said those things if he didn’t believe them. Some part of him thinks I’m a piece of garbage to be discarded. He believes I’m the worthless waste of space everyone always said I was. If he thinks I’m capable of sleeping with him, of loving him like he knows I do, and turn around and use him to my benefit, we can’t come back from that.

I pull my hands away and wipe the tears off my face. “It’s not fixable. You can explain it to Jace any way you want, but things will never go back the way they were.” I stand and grab my purse.

Ella grabs my purse strap and pulls me to her. “No. Wait. We can go and talk to him. He’ll understand.”

“We’ll all go.” Jess pulls me into a hug that I don’t return.

You came from nothing and you’ll always be nothing.

The pain in my chest dulls as the numbness spreads outward, and I realize I don’t feel her touch. I don’t feel anything at all.

“He’ll listen.” She pulls back and holds me at arm’s length, realization painting her face. “No, Cassie. Don’t shut down.”

“Call your boss and get proof.” Ella pushes a strand of tear soaked hair behind my ear. “I know he’ll believe you.”

Jess pleads with her eyes as the tears spill down her face. “This doesn’t have to be over. I believe you. He will too.”

A tiny twinge of pain tries to resurface at her words, but I push back.No more pain.“No, Jess. You didn’t hear what he said to me. It’s really over.”

She covers her eyes and shakes her head. “He didn’t mean it. I know he didn’t.”

“You don’t even know what he said.” My voice sounds robotic, even to myself.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure he regrets it,” Jess says, swiping her tears away.

Ella nods as she cuts in. “Right. It was probably a heat of the moment type thing.”

I let out a little laugh. “Part of him believes it. That I’m trash.”

I hear a sharp intake of breath from both girls.

I laugh again. “It’s fine. Nothing I haven’t heard before.”

The girls share a concerned look.

Ella grabs my shoulders and gets close to my face. “Cassie, you’re kind of scaring me. Ten minutes ago you were hysterical, now it’s like you’re not even here.”

“I’m just done. Done hearing the sound of my own tears.” I grab both their hands and give them a little squeeze. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Jess jumps in my way when I turn toward the door. “Wait. Where are you going?”

“To get someone fired.”

THIRTY-THREE

NOT TODAY

The sun piercesmy eyes as it peeks from behind the clouds, breaking my concentration once more. It’s like a game we’ve been playing all morning. It’s shining high in the sky, with promises of warmth and light, its usual offer of fun and freedom. My friend, the sun, reminding me of its healing abilities, my balm.

Not today.

Slowly I rise with a groan, muscles screaming, from my desk chair and hit the button to lower the automatic blinds. I sit back down and stare at the screen before me, trying to remember what I was doing. This is the second time I’ve sat down in as many days. The only two times I’ve left the gym longer than the time it takes me to shower and eat. I glance around and see the tables and counters littered with beer bottles and take out food containers.

I run my hands through my hair, and my leg bounces under the desk before I remember it hurts to even fidget. I’ve driven my body to the breaking point. Now, it matches the rest of me.

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