Page 5 of Touch Me

“My degree will be in Educational Leadership, specializing in Biology. So I can teach any age through high school while I work on my Master’s. The end goal is to become a college professor.” Ella beams. “I just love the family feel of a college campus.”

I don’t know why anyone would want to spend more time than necessary on a college campus, but I guess that’s just me.

I enjoyed college, just not the way everyone else did. I was there for one thing and one thing only. To make a life that was all my own. I graduated with a full scholarship that paid for tuition and the dorms, but I had to work on campus to pay for books and anything else I needed. Which meant I spent most of my time either studying or working while everyone else enjoyed their freedom.

I had the kind of freedom no kid should have. Free to make my own choices, sure. But with that came the responsibility to feed and clothe myself. To make sure all my homework was done and my lunch was packed. If you call peanut butter and crackers a lunch. I had too much freedom in that aspect. I had it when I didn’t want it.

Once I got to college, I was done with all that and preferred to spend my time focused on school and building a life for myself. I shed the chaos and thrived on structure. I found that I enjoyed the work and pushing myself toward the only goal I could remember—getting out.

Truly free.

Now that I have my degree in journalism, I can enjoy the freedom everyone else thought they needed.

Sure, the girls occasionally talked me into going to parties or college bars, and I needed the release every now and then, but my goals were always at the forefront of my mind. Now that the work is done, I can stop and take a breath. I feel lighter, the weight of scrutiny lifting from those who pitied me. And I can finally let go of the tortuous path I set for myself.

Mom didn’t attend the graduation ceremony. I sent her the official invitation and called to make sure she got it. We had a two-minute conversation in which I restrained an eyeroll listening to her stammer through a few excuses before I cut her off and ended the call withtalk to you later. She hadn’t attended Ally’s either and I didn’t need her at my commencement ceremony. She wasn’t a parent when I needed her to be, so I don't know why I tried to get her there—she didn’t deserve to feel any sense of pride in watching me get the degree I worked so hard for. She did nothing to get me here.

I have everyone I need at this table right here in San Francisco. Jess, Ally, and Ella are all the family I need. They pushed me when I needed it and supported my incessant need for perfection, even if they couldn’t understand it. And now they’re here to celebrate with me in a city I love.

I tip the glass back, draining the bubbliness, and push it aside. “I can’t wait to walk the streets of San Francisco.”

Ella chokes on her drink and coughs. “Easy there, hussy.”

A giggle escapes on a hiccup, and I cover my mouth. “You know what I mean.”

Jess’s eyes glaze over as she looks over our heads. “Who knew coming here to escape on the weekends would lead to you landing a job interview.”

I had an interview at a local publication firm that offered me an unpaid internship for the summer with the potential to bid on a salaried position in the fall. My focus is in art, modern and historical, and though I have no artistic abilities myself, I’m in awe of anyone who can create something out of nothing. Like I hope I’m doing for myself.

Not that I think of myself as nothing. I have a completely healthy sense of self and I’m proud of accomplishing all I have. But a lifetime of scrutiny and pity takes its toll. I spent half of my life trying to rise above the labels and it’s hard to halt that momentum. I almost don’t know what to do with myself now that I have nothing left to prove.

“So, where are you going to live until Jess graduates?” I knew my sister was going to worry about me, and I have an answer queued up and waiting.

“Well, Hannah Montgomery got an apartment in town and said I could crash with her until the next semester is over. She’s working midnights at the hospital, so we’ll hardly see each other anyway.” I shrug nonchalantly, pouring another glass of champagne. My sister’s gaze burns a hole through the side of my head while I attempt to avoid her eyes. “It’ll be fine. It’s a temporary bandage. Although, I’m not sure how I feel about tiptoeing around during the day while she sleeps. And I’ll have to freelance some articles to make money to pitch in some rent.”

Why am I still talking?

I know she wants to interject, to make some sort of offer, but she purses her lips, empties her glass, and stays silent. That’s how I know she truly loves me. She wants to help but understands my need for independence.

The plan was always for Jess and I to get a place together after graduation, and since my relentless studying landed me at graduation a full semester before her, I’m now stuck without a place to live as of next week. Hannah is the only reasonable offer I have. A couple of guys offered with winks and suggestive smirks.Gross.I politely declined.

The last thing I need is for some immature man-boy thinking I’m going to pay rent as a sex toy.

No, thank you.

I’ve had enough of college life and man-boys. I tried my hand at relationships and never found anything worth my time. Some were jerks who only wanted to get laid on the regular. Some were nice guys who had aspirations and goals. But no one held my attention. I had sex when I needed to or wanted to. I’m not a prude, I just never found anyone I would think about when I wasn’t with him. No sparks. No butterflies.

No orgasms.

At least, not with anyone else.

It may have been my unshakable need to succeed, or maybe I hadn’t found the right person. I can admit I wasn’t in the right headspace to dedicate the time and effort it took for a successful relationship.

Jess taps the side of her glass and chews on her lip. “You know we can still get an apartment now, and I can pay the bills until you get a paying job after your internship.”

We’ve had this conversation before. Jess has a trust fund that she's been able to access since her twenty-first birthday. She'd offered to pay for our apartment while she continued to live on campus, but I'd refused. The fact that she wouldn’t use the money for herself but offered it to me was one of the reasons I loved her. Both her and my sister also offered me a little money so I could buy a better car than the one I owned, but I was determined to make it on my own.

“Thank you, but I can’t. I can survive with Hannah for the summer, and then, if I get the paid position, we can look at apartments. I’ll even let you pay your half of the bills while you’re still on campus until December, but I can’t let you pay all of it.” I reach over and squeeze Jess’s hand and she smiles sweetly. “I love you for offering, but I can’t let you do that.” She purses her lips and grants me one quick nod.

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