Page 56 of P.S. I Miss You

The house is dark inside, all the shades drawn, but it smells sweet. Like fresh roses. Wine. Candles.

Inch by inch, my crazy heart climbs up my throat until it reaches my ears. The sound of my pulse whooshing almost drowns out the faint sound of soft music.

Sutter isn’t the romantic type, at least from what I’ve seen, but I have experienced the thoughtful, selfless side of him before, and I wouldn’t put this past him.

There’s a very real chance he feels bad about this morning, and about icing me out these last couple of days.

Maybe this is his way of making it up to me?

I can’t help but grin as I picture him standing in the next room, waiting to scoop me into his arms and tell me he feels the same, that he’s going to miss me like hell when I’m gone, and that he had to tell me how he felt before I left.

I visualize him telling me I’ll have something to come back to in a couple of months, someone waiting for me.

But my little runaway daydream comes to a screeching halt when I spot the figure standing in the kitchen doorway.

“… Nick?” I peer across the dim room. “Oh my god. What are you doing here?”

My voice cracks, and there’s a tightness in the back of my throat that I can’t seem to swallow away.

Disappointment.

It’s disappointment.

And it isn’t going anywhere.

“Mel,” he says, coming toward me. He takes my hands in his, and I’m distracted by how awkward this feels.

A month ago, I’d be jumping, squealing, crying, screaming, throwing myself into his arms.

A month ago, I’d have been sure this was exactly what I wanted.

It took meeting Sutter for me to realize, I never wanted Nick in the first place. My feelings for him were puppy love at best, an unrequited childhood crush.

“You know I wrote this song about you, don’t you?” he asks.

I don’t know where the music is coming from, but I soon realize it’s “Teenage Afterburn” by his band, Melrose Nights.

It was one of my favorite songs of his because it was about loving someone and being afraid they wouldn’t love you back, so you don’t say anything at all and the opportunity passes you by.

Growing up, I always thought of Nick when I heard this song. But now? My mind goes straight to Sutter.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that?” I ask.

“Because I was an idiot.” He laughs, squeezing my hands in his. “I had the biggest crush on you all through high school.”

“What?” I’m glued to him, taking in his words like breaking news. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I loved you too much to screw up the good thing we had,” he says. “I wanted you as my girlfriend. But I needed you as my best friend.”

There are no words.

“I love you, Mel,” he says. “I’ve always loved you. And it took seeing you happy with someone else to make me realize I could lose you.”

“Nick … first of all, you’re never going to lose me. Second of all, happy with whom?”

“Sutter.” He doesn’t hesitate.

I clap my hand over my mouth and laugh because it’s all I can do. “That’s what this is about? You got jealous because Sutter and I were hitting it off and so you had to come back here and profess your love for me?”

“I know how this seems.” He rolls his eyes. “But yeah. It triggered something in me. Like a sleeper cell or some shit, I don’t know.”

I study his face. All the features I’d dreamt about night after night, year after year. There’s no fullness in my chest when I look at him. No threat of breathlessness. No giddy, bubbly sensation in my head.

“You don’t want me, Nick. You only want what you think you can’t have,” I say it with love, painting my tone with as much compassion as possible.

“I want to take you somewhere,” he says, ignoring my rational explanation of this craziness.

Nick releases my hand, making his way around the living room and blowing out candles. Next, he hooks his arm in mine and leads me outside toward a silver Ford. Producing a set of keys with a rental car agency’s logo on the keyring, he unlocks the passenger door.

He’s got this dopey grin on his face that reminds me of the time we were ten and ding-dong-ditching the mean woman who lived across the street. But Nick wouldn’t fly across the country and pull a stupid prank on me in order to profess his love.

Nick’s eyes catch mine and then he throws his arms around me. “God, it’s so good to see you.”

“Where are you taking me?” I ask as he swings me a minute later. The swing catches me by surprise, tickling my middle and making me laugh.

“You’ll see.”

I WORKED LATER THAN usual tonight.

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