Page 59 of Winter Break Up

“Before I don’t say anything sappy for the next ten years, I’m proud of you, kid. You didn’t have it easy, but raising you has truly been one of the highlights of my life. If I had to go through shit to get to see you grow up, it was worth it.” He reaches a burly, gnarled hand over to my shoulder and gives it a slap.

That short sentiment is the equivalent of an emotional diatribe for my grandfather, and a lump forms in my throat.

“I’m a pretty damn lucky kid to have you as my parent.” Sure, I lacked a lot of things in life, but I’ve always known Grandpa loves me wholeheartedly.

Christmas is making us all teary, but I’m giving in to the emotions. This trip home might be my last for a while, and neither of us knows how much longer Grandpa has in this house. I’m trying as hard as I can to just focus on memorizing today.

Honestly, I’m focusing on anything that will keep my mind off her.

Between calls with Tim, emails from my college team with details about upcoming games, the national junior team I play on being called in for practice in a month, and enough workouts to numb my mind, I’ve been trying to keep busy. I’ve been trying not to sit still or exercise so much that I pass out in a sleep I couldn’t possibly wake in a panic from.

Still, through it all, Emily is right there at the forefront of my brain. Her shocked face when I called her out when I admitted the truth neither of us were addressing in the month we’d been home. When I accused her of cutting us off at the knees before we went away to college.

For the second time in my life, the only girl I’ve ever wanted broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, and I don’t know how I’ll ever recover. The heartbreak, the ache, and the loss pounding in my chest are always there. Ever present, sharp, and painful. Emily is the only person I can imagine spending my life with, and that possibility is all but gone at this point.

She’s not going to allow herself to risk it all just to be with me, and that hurts like hell. I’ll jump through hoops for her, scale buildings, take bullets, etc. Even after so many years without each other, during which she claims she missed me like a limb, she won’t jump without knowing the landing will be cushy and safe.

So, I’ve had to try to block it out. Too many things of importance are coming up for me to sink into this melancholy.

“You want to watch the basketball games?” I ask, clearing the breakfast plates when we finish.

“Yeah, why not. The Jersey team is actually doing okay this year.”

“Grandpa, they’re in New York now.” He refuses to get with the times.

“They’ll always be from Jersey. Just like you.” He points at me. “It’s what gives us our feisty, fighting fortitude.”

God, I hope he’s right. The past few days, I’ve felt like crawling into a hole rather than come out swinging.

We’re lounged on the couch about two hours later, a beer in each of our hands with the sports announcer talking on the TV when the doorbell rings.

“You expecting someone?” Grandpa raises his eyebrows, and I know that he knows I’ve been in a funk because of Emily.

We’ve never explicitly spoken about my love life, but I know that my grandfather isn’t an idiot. He realizes I haven’t left the house in three days or spoken about Emily, for that matter.

“No.” I glance at the door, worried and also hopeful about who might be on the other side of it.

There is also always going to be that little part of my brain that whispers it might be my parents coming home at Christmas after all this time to finally know their son. Shaking my head because that idea is ludicrous, I get up and walk to the front door.

When I pull it open, my heart drops.

“Emily?” I’m shocked to see her standing on my front porch, her pink-tipped nose in such contrast with the white background of the snow.

“Merry Christmas.” Her small smile looks hopeful and cautious all at once.

“Uh, yeah, you too. What’re you doing here?” I honestly thought I might not see her again before leaving for school.

I’d been pretty pissed when I left her out in the far reaches of the farm, and we haven’t spoken since. Charlie had texted me to let me know that the Palmers won the tree-off after I’d begged off because I couldn’t stand to be in Emily’s vicinity.

Emily fidgets with her gloves as she bites that full bottom lip. “It’s Christmas. I love Christmas. And for three Christmases now, I’ve kicked myself for not being with you. For not just getting the hell over my insecurities and self-sabotage. There were a few times I almost drove over here in the past to tell you this exact thing, but I was too much of a coward. And then this winter break happened, and …”

My heart is dangling dangerously over a precipice. Either it’ll float to safety, wrapped in all the love Emily can give, or it’ll dive to the canyon floor, shattering once again. I can barely breathe, I’m hanging on to every word she says. Because she has to be the one to say this, I can’t give anymore.

“Yeah?” I prompt.

Her eyes connect with mine. “And I won’t go a fourth Christmas being miserable. Or any Christmas to come, for that matter. I’m done being an idiot. I hope you waited for me?”

She gives me back the words I said to her that last day on the farm.

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