Page 56 of Winter Break Up

Charlie rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you’re that dumb. I knew it.”

I hit his puffer coat where it covers his arm. “Shut it. I thought we did a good job of keeping it under wraps, though. You know, he asked for us to be low-key because of you. So that your friendship wouldn’t be in jeopardy again.”

My brother takes a slow breath as he looks up at the sky. “Jesus, you guys just couldn’t stay away from each other, could you?”

I shrug, knowing it was impossible not to be with Mercer after spending time so close to him. “Don’t worry, it’s over now. You don’t even have to tell him you know, nothing has to happen, and no one will get hurt.”

“Yeah, you really look unscathed,” Charlie deadpans, gesturing to me. “You forget we’re Irish twins, Emi. I can tell what you’re thinking, we have that twin power thing even being months apart.”

“You always say that and yet it’s completely untrue. You’ve never once been able to get us out of trouble by the twin telepathy thing.” I shake my head.

“Well, I guess I don’t need to read your mind right now, it’s written all over your face. You’re lovesick, or whatever they say. So, do I need to kick my best friend’s ass?”

“No, don’t you dare. Mercer didn’t end things, I did.” Technically, though, Charlie doesn’t need to know all the details.

My brother blinks. “Are you nuts?”

“What?” Again, shock radiates through me.

“Why would you end things? You clearly love the guy. He clearly loves you.”

He says this like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

“It’s just too complicated, Char. Mercer says he wants to be with me, but we both have so much ahead of us. It would be too hard.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve never known you to quit while you’re ahead. Or before even trying! And why would it be such a bad thing if he wanted to be with you? Jeez, Em, Mercer is a catch. I’m a guy, and he wants to date my sister, but even I know that. It’s clear as fucking day that he’s in love with you, that he’s always been in love with you. God, women confuse the shit out of me.”

Shame burns around the edges of my broken heart. “You’re right. About all of it. I’m an idiot, and letting him go will be the biggest mistake of my life. But I’ve been going through some shit.”

Now Charlie studies me, really looks at me, and he lowers his voice. “Are you okay? You’re not … are you sick?”

The way he says it, I can tell he thinks it’s something terminal. Maybe it is. My mind will forever wage war with me, and while I can deploy techniques to help ease my anxiety, there is no cure.

“In a sense, yes. But nothing physically serious. I’ve been …” Opening up to Charlie about this makes it more real.

After reading through a lot of material on anxiety, I know that opening up to loved ones and not hiding it also helps relieve some of the symptoms. It helps not to feel so alone or in the dark with mental illness, and sharing my diagnosis is a good thing. But it’s still terrifying. I don’t know how my brother will react, and I’ve had enough emotional trauma this week to last me a lifetime.

“What? What is it, Emi?” My brother’s voice is tinged with panic.

A sigh heaves from my chest as I resign myself to the fact that I’m going to spill my guts. “I was dating this guy during the fall and he cheated on me. I discovered him in a bathroom, well … with a girl. It triggered something and I started having a lot of anxiety attacks. It wasn’t about the relationship so much as it was about me not being in control or being unable to manipulate the feelings and situations around me. I felt completely untethered, and my mental health got pretty bad. Until I went on medication. I started taking an anti-anxiety pill daily, and it has helped a lot. But it’s not linear, mental health never is. I still have bad days, anxiety attacks, a lot of intrusive thoughts and things of that nature. It … I need to focus on me. That’s what I’ve been doing.”

Without hesitation, he envelops me in a hug. “Jesus, Em, why didn’t you call me? I would have come.”

I know he would have. At the drop of a hat, Charlie wouldn’t have hesitated. But I’d been ashamed for a while after I found Rich that night.

“I know. Thanks for reminding me, I just needed to deal.”

“Does Mercer know?” he asks, arms still wrapped around me.

I nod into his chest. “Yeah. He’s been amazing about it.”

There’s a pause. “Then I don’t get why you won’t give you two a chance.”

I sigh again. “Because I have enough anxiety as it is. It’s just there, always lurking. It’s hard enough to deal with when I’m not worried about what my potential boyfriend is doing hundreds of miles away. What other females are doing when he’s around, when he becomes a professional athlete. I couldn’t do the long distance once before, this time the doubts and anxiety would eat me alive.”

I’m a big, huge, cowardly chicken. I know that. It still doesn’t stop me from throwing up obstacles that will keep Mercer and me apart. I’m terrified of how I’ll act if we’re in a relationship. I’m terrified that he’ll break my heart worse than I could ever break his.

Charlie pushes me back a little, his face wearing a sympathetic but annoyed expression.

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